Randy's Replay

2011-05-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

We needed this.

Didn't we?

After an economic meltdown, rampant unemployment, corporate greed, tornadoes, hurricanes, global warming, Tea Parties, inflation, derisively divisive politics and, maybe most importantly, three wars that have killed thousands of U.S. troops, we needed.... something we could rally around.

We needed an event, we needed a moment, we needed something we could celebrate without being political, cheer without being divisive and appreciate without being cynical. In light of all this country has been through in the last decade, I mean ALL of it, we needed something besides a campaign slogan or a fading bumper sticker that could give everyone of any political party a chance to feel that hope that had been missing in this country since September 10th, 2001.

We got it Sunday night.

**************

It's weird, but I think of baseball when I think of the events of 9/11. I think about the first and only time I ever went to Yankee Stadium. My college friends and I had tickets to the Red Sox-Yankees game the night before, and we were hoping to see Roger Clemens go for his 20th win against his former team. It had rained all day in New York, and earlier in the day, when we were killing time in the city before the game that night, we thought about going to the Trade Center where one of our friends was interning that summer. He'd stopped his internship the previous Friday, but thought he could still get us into his office and thought a couple of guys making their first trip to NYC would enjoy the view. Maybe we'd go to Windows on the World and get something to eat, who knows?

As we stood in the Village and looked south toward the Trade Center and debated whether to hike down to take our friend up on his offer, we heard another loud rumble of thunder and watched as the antenna on the North tower was struck by lightning. We all probably knew at that point the game probably wasn't going to happen, but it was worth a shot. It was Yankee Stadium, after all.

The game wasn't played, and baseball as a whole wasn't played for a week or so afterward as the country came to grips with how we could be attacked and so thoroughly violated in the cities we'd come to view as our most iconic, and, we'd thought, safest. Baseball came back, as we all did. G.W. Bush threw a fastball in Yankee Stadium before Game 1 of the World Series that year, but he had to wear a bulletproof vest. That right there is a microcosm of the way we've all changed in the last 10 years or so.

Baseball came back, but the President of the United States had to wear a bulletproof vest just to throw a baseball. The airlines came back, but now we all have to get to the airport an hour earlier and we'll have to take our shoes and belts off when we get there. We didn't necessarily get our lives back to normal as much as we developed a new "normal."

But that's not to say we forgot. I don't think anyone ever did. We'd get little (or big) reminders when we least expected them. I remember being at a party in September 2002 when I made the mistake of asking a girl from New Jersey whether she'd been in to NYC since 9/11. Just trying to contribute to a conversation as we waited while someone fumbled with a foamy and tempermental keg.

"Yeah," she said. "My dad died in the Trade Center so I went in for the anniversary ceremony."

"Oh," I stammered. "Um... that's awful. I'm really sorry for bringing that up."

She was nice about it, and even though I don't think I talked to her ever again, she's probably gotten numb to stupid questions like mine in the nine years since we'd had that awkward 'conversation.' She's had to.

But I'm willing to bet a lot of her barriers and numbness or 'comfort' with 9/11 came down a bit with the news that Osama bin Laden had been killed.

That news is why I'm click-clacking away at 2:20am on a Sunday night/Monday morning, as cheers and car horns (and is that a vuvuzela?!?) stream in through the sliding glass door. They're probably coming from Watertown Square or Newton, but with all the news I've been watching over the last 3+ hours, the crowds in Cambridge or maybe even Boston sure looked big enough. It's an amazing night to be an American. It may seem strange or even morbid to be so happy about the death of another human being, until you remember that human being was anything but human. It's like Mark Twain wrote, "I've never wished a man dead, but I've read some obituaries with great pleasure." The Bad Guy to beat all Bad Guys is dead, the absolute best of our nation's military killed him and while it doesn't change anything that happened on 9/11 or in the ten years since, it does give the families of absolutely everyone affected no small measure of closure.

Because what happened Sunday is the matching bookend to my generation's other 'Where were you?' moment. Bin Laden's death, President Obama's speech, and however much news coverage and/or Hollywood-style public cheering or view partying you did helped heal a nation and put a cap on the day that made it so that our presidents have to wear bulletproof vests when they take the mound and our citizens put their liquids in 3 oz. bottles.

None of that will change, but we can always come back to this night. The texts from family and friends to turn on the television and witness history. Taking to social media outlets that hadn't even been invented in 2001 to engage in a real time give and take about ohmigod where-were-you-when-you-heard? Sunday night, we received confirmation the guy who caused it ALL was dead.

We needed this.

That's What She Said: The end of an era

2011-04-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

I remember stumbling onto the second episode of an NBC midseason replacement show called 'The Office' back in March 2005. The title of the episode itself was 'Diversity Day' and it made me stop what I was doing, fire up my sweet Dell desktop computer, log into AOL Instant Messenger, and put up a killer away message asking if anyone else had seen what I'd just seen. Still not sure if anyone had seen it because my lightning-fast, super-reliable Internet connection in Lawton, OK, wasn't any of the previous two double adjectives I just used to describe it.

The show itself was different to say the least. No laugh track, no studio audience, no real change of scenery either. It was just a show about an office, set in an office, called... 'The Office.' But the writing was fantastic, the acting was charmingly awkward, and the characters were instantly relatable to anyone who had ever held a steady job. Add to that the fact my dad's name is Michael Scott and I was hooked.

Most people know the show itself is derived from the original 'Office' in the U.K., but I'd be willing to bet NBC took a chance on it as a midseason replacement because they wanted to try to develop an answer to Fox's 'Arrested Development.' Intelligent and clever writing, single-camera shoots and elaborate, character-driven plot lines and story arcs; that actually proved to be the downfall of 'Development.' It was too smart, too quick. Fox couldn't get people to watch. Not so for 'The Office.' People watched. NBC picked it up for a full 22-episode season, built its Thursday lineup around it and never looked back.

Because 'The Office' had Steve Carell.

You may have already heard, but that is no longer the case.

I wrote one of these blog entries after the last episode of 'Lost' because I wanted to pay tribute to the show I'd watched for 6 years and I knew there were plenty of people who were in the same boat. I know 'The Office' isn't ending, but I think it's safe to say 'The Office' as I know it is ending. And for as much as the 'Lost' ending hurt, 'The Office' might be worse for me. I was a late arrival to 'Lost,' but caught up by watching the first couple seasons on DVD (weird I had so much free time living in Toccoa, GA). The 'Diversity Day' episode I saw was the second ever, and I ended up watching episodes live on Thursday nights until I made the big time in Fort Myers, FL, and could afford a DVR. I was invested in 'The Office.'

Which is what made Steve Carell's goodbye so brutal. So why not go running diary?

9:01- We open up with Michael trying to get accustomed to Colorado's altitude by sitting in a lawn chair on the roof of the building. Why not? He throws Dwight a bone by asking for bear advice since he's moving to the Rockies.

Michael: "I'm thinking maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket... So no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni?"

Gotta love beating 'That's what she said' into the ground in the opening segment.

9:02- Looooove the 'Office' theme song. Question: did you have this as your cell phone ringtone? I mean.. what? Me neither. Second question: will they keep Michael straightening his desk trophy as part of the open now that he's gone? Third question: Did anyone do the 'Question' bit before Dwight started doing it in 2005?

9:03- Jim to the camera, "you guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now?" He directly referenced the documentary camera crew, which doesn't happen too often.

9:05- Michael throws out his 'World's Best Boss' mug (that he bought himself) because the rest of the people in the office bought him a bigger new trophy. He instantly regrets his decision, "I do need something to drink out of, though..."

Commercial Break

9:06- Here's a link to that Target commercial where that Boston terrier is digging in his water dish because, well, it's a Boston terrier digging in his water dish. He's spilling water everywhere, causing you to need paper towels that you will buy... at Target. Boom! Advertising explained.

9:09- "I thought he knew about the baby I gave away." That's Phyllis talking about what she thought Michael would reveal about her during their high school years. Gotta love random Phyllis badassery. Like when she said she and Bob Vance from Vance Refrigeration would go to bars and let men unknowingly hit on Phyllis, but then beat them up when the guys tried to go too far. Or when she said the one body she was most proud of on herself was "my jugs."

9:10- Another 'That's what she said' moment goes un-consumated. Michael gives Stanley the mini pool table from his desk. Stanley asks, "where's the rest of it? It's got no balls." Oh come on!

9:10- Michael's parting gift to Andy is a packet of his 10 best clients and this pep talk, "You sold us all on Andy, a product no one wanted." Andy's response, "I'm the worst salesman in this office, I don't want to lose these clients... I promise you I will."

9:13- Michael's farewell to Angela, "Was it just me, or did you think we were going to have sex at one point?" Faaaaaaaaaantastic.

9:15- And we have our first tears of the night. Michael's crying because he doesn't want to have to start over in Colorado. "I can't do this! All the channels are going to be different there, I'm not going to be able to find new shows. I'm NOT going to start improv at level 1! I don't think my credits are going to transfer." That's the Steve Carell delivery I'm going to miss.

Commercial Break-

The only thing that's going to ruin this Steve Carell-Ryan Gostling 'Crazy Stupid Love' movie is... Ryan Gostling. Eh, I guess it had a 50-50 shot.

9:19- Annoying speed-talking guy from the new JetBlue commercials=annoying speed-talking guy from the old MicroMachines toy cars commercials?

9:21- Toby has a brother named Rory Flenderson living in Boulder. Outstanding. I'll miss this rivalry. "I hate so much... about the things that you choose to be." I use that quote once a week in both my personal and professional life.

9:24- Nice! The return of 'Somehow I Manage,' Michael's book on management that he first mentioned in that blind date episode where he unveiled "Date Mike." It's Michael's gift to Darrell, who still won't let him use the baler down in the warehouse.

9:32- Boom. If you had 9:32pm in the 'When Will Randy First Tear Up?' pool, you're a winner. Dwight reading Michael's recommendation letter is getting the ball rolling. "I define it was Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man and as a friend." Followed by a paintball game that serves as Michael's second gift to Dwight: a token of genuine friendship to the guy who always wanted Michael's friendship, which is ironic because Michael always wanted genuine friendship from everyone but Dwight. This writing is deep, son!

Commercial Break

If you've ever even thought about watching an episode of 'American Idol,' do yourself a favor and watch 'The Voice.' This guy's rendition of 'Time After Time' is why.

9:40- Michael's advice to Gabe, "A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it look smaller, which will make you look like less of a transvestite." Anybody else tired of Gabe?

9:42- Michael's final conference room meeting and his emotions are getting the best of him, so much so that he breaks out his super racist, stereotypically-Asian 'Ping' character just so he can get through it. Predictably... Stanley leaves the room, as does Jim, who's finally put two-and-two together and knows what only Michael and the audience has known to this point: Michael's last day is actually today, and he's leaving in 15 minutes for the airport.

9:43- Really starting to lose it now. All of us. Me, Jim and Michael. Just a bunch of crying grown men.

Jim: "You're leaving today, right"

Michael: "Why am I so sad?" (then he pulls out his voice recorder and saves himself a memo) "T-shirt idea: Goodbyes really stink."

9:44- The realest, most honest part of the show. Jim to Michael, "Tomorrow, I can tell you what a great boss you turned out to be. Best boss I ever had. I will see you tomorrow at lunch."

Michael: "And I am looking forward to lunch... and hearing about what a great boss I am!"

9:46- Michael's voiceover track as we seeing him heading to the airport. "Holly's my family now. She's my family. All the baby's that I'll make with her will be my children. The people you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends. They say on your death bed, you'll never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a death bed." GREAT line. And coming from a guy we've watched for the last six years try like hell to treat and protect everyone in the office (except for Toby) like family, while hoping like hell to find the right woman to have a real family of his own... the man has grown!

9:48- You knew it was coming: Our final Michael Scott 'that's what she said.' He moves to take his microphone pack out of his inner suit jacket pocket. "This is going to feel so good, getting this thing off my chest." Then they kill his mic and he mouths, "That's what she said... bye."

9:50- Hmmm... this is interesting. Pam somehow gets through security to run and go hug Michael before he leaves. That was a little weird. There's obviously something here we're supposed to pick up on because they dragged this 'Pam isn't here' storyline through the episode and because they just had a "Lost in Translation" moment where the audience couldn't hear what Michael's parting words to Pam actually were. There's a meaning here that I'm not processing because I'm bummed and probably not smart enough to get. Much like when I saw "Lost in Translation."

Without Steve Carell and the success he made possible for 'The Office,' think about the projects that would have been different or maybe never even happened:

'The Hangover'

'30 Rock'

'Parks and Recreation'

'Community'

'Modern Family'

'Little Miss Sunshine'

'Hot Tub Time Machine'

The list goes on and on; and that's one of the best legacies 'The Office' as we know it will have left.

In some inane Facebook mini-argument earlier this year, I posted a list of the top five TV shows currently on-air and I put 'The Office' in that group. One of my friends ripped that selection the most because, apparently, 'The Office' hadn't been good for "a few years." I obviously disagree. As with any series, there were better years than others, but throughout its run to this point, the writing has been smart without being heavy-handed, funny without being too-lowbrow and entertainingly familiar without being repetitive. Over six years and seven seasons! To me, that speaks as much, if not more, to the characters than it does to the writing.

Because these are characters they made us care about, none more so than Michael.

He may not have ever been your favorite character, but he was always the most important. Everything revolved around him and everything ran through him. Like Jerry on 'Seinfeld' or Jordan on the Bulls. Not even the most ardent TV conversation contrarian could build any semblance of an argument that would say Steve Carell could lift right out of 'The Office.' They're going to give it a run with Will Ferrell in the short term.

It might be a stretch, but I don't think he'll fit.

And yes....

that's what she said.

The Sports Guy Makes his PTI Debut... Hilarity Ensues

2010-09-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

When I graduated from college and set about trying to start my career as a TV sports anchor, my friend Brian, who I've known since I was five years old, gave me some wise (albeit unsolicited) advice.

"Take a job wherever they will hire you. You have a face for radio and a voice for print."

Thanks, Brian.

Weirdly enough, though, apparently those things aren't enough to keep you off of television. For the better part of the last decade, ESPN has made a habit of putting the "beauty disadvantaged" on at all hours of the day. John Clayton? Shelly Smith? Doug Gottlieb? They're all enough to make you wish you didn't have an HD TV. Heck, Chris Berman is the "face of the network" and his recently unveiled molester mustache for the 2010 NFL season is actually an improvement over the doughy catcher's mitt that's graced your screen for nearly three decades.

So when I got a text from my brother-in-law on Tuesday telling me Bill Simmons a.k.a. The Sports Guy, ESPN's most popular columnist, the executive producer of ESPN's fantastic '30 for 30' sports documentary series, and someone who isn't afraid to test ESPN's strict limits on personal opinion and actually bring a solid sense of humor to his writing (as opposed to Berman's hokey "name game") was going to be filling in for Mike Wilbon (fellow Northwestern University grad and easily the biggest celebrity in my cell phone) on P.T.I., I fired up the DVR and got ready to come up with a running diary of the guy who made the running diary famous.

And guess what?

I found out The Sports Guy and I have a lot more in common than I thought. Say it with me: face for radio... voice for print.

*************************************************************

5:30- Time for the cold open. "Pardon the Interruption, but I'm Tony Kornheiser..." "And I'm Bill Simmons." Simmons makes a joke about Tony being his uncle and asks how he looks because he is, after all, wearing a suit and tie for what has to be the first time all year (more on this later).

Tony's response: "You have way too much hair, and I'm not your uncle." Point Kornheiser.

5:30- "Welcome to PTI, boys and girls. Wilbon's got the day off so we brought in a rookie for his first big outing," says Kornheiser. Big applause from Tony Reali and the rest of the P.T.I. crew for Simmons.

Now we get a close-up of the Sports Guy's face and... well... there seems to be a Tina Fey-esque scar running from the right side of his mouth to his chin. He also seems to have received a couple of chipmunk cheeks for his recent 40th birthday.

But the face is not as bad as the voice. Sweet lord. He sounds like a cross between a California surfer and Jeff Garcia. Take that to mean whatever you want it to mean.

5:31- They gave Simmons his own face cutouts to decorate the studio behind him. Looks like he went with the following:
Kevin Durant face.
Kevin Durant in his Team USA jersey.
Tom Brady with his recent Farrah Fawcett haircut.
Jimmy Kimmel.
Roger Clemens testifying before Congress.
Pete Carroll.
Jason Priestly.
Keanu Reeves.
Brock Lesnar.
Justin Bieber.
Adam Corolla.
Tim Tebow.

Yeah... that list looks as weird as it reads.

5:32- Simmons seems to have a weird tic when he reads off of the teleprompter. Just like ESPN reporter Pedro Gomez (another member of the network's "All Face Team"), he bobs his head like a rooster to punch certain words. Still a great line about NY Jets wide receiver Braylon Edwards' DWI arrest: "He blew twice the legal limit... Don Draper style."

5:33- Slow camera pan up from the floor to the top of the desk where Kornheiser and Simmons are sitting shows Tony wearing loafers with no socks, showing off ankles that are so pasty, they're nearly pink. Simmons seems to be rocking black Converse low-tops with white laces. Classy move for his big debut.

5:33- Simmons on a possible suspension for Edwards: "He should be suspended two games for being the first person to get a DWI in NYC. There are 10 million cabs, just take a cab." Seriously, how the hell do you get a DWI in New York City? They're everywhere.

5:33- Line of the show so far comes from the Sports Guy. On Edwards trying to get out of his DWI after he was pulled over: "I think with his beard, he could have potentially rolled out of the car and pretended he was homeless." Gets a genuine laugh from Kornheiser.

5:36- Simmons discussing Joe Torre expressing interest in the Mets job (which isn't even open yet). "I want to see him manage a team without a $100M payroll. This was the first year he had to do it, and he went .500." Good point, but if you're Joe Torre, why the hell would you take a job in some podunk small-market city? The Mets want to give you a decent squad and pay you $5 million a year? More power to you.

5:36- Kornheiser agrees with me. "If I'm Joe Torre, I'm going to the Hall of Fame, I have four rings. I don't need to go to Kansas City to prove to Bill Simmons how good of a manager I am." Another point for Tony.

5:37- Simmons says something to the effect that Torre went back and took the spotlight away from George Steinbrenner on a night that was supposed to be dedicated to him. Kornheiser, a notorious New York homer and Steinbrenner apologist, doesn't take the bait and leads to an awkward exchange.

Sports Guy: "I set you up! This was a great man who did so many great things."
TK: (almost under his breath) "Ehhh... you're not a New Yorker.."

5:38- Awkward exchange #2 as they talk about the Ohio Bobcats mascot attack on Ohio State's Brutus the Buckeye.

TK: "What if you're Brutus?"
Sports Guy: "I feel bad for Brutus."
TK: "You were... Brutus-alized."
Sports Guy: "I think Brutus is gonna have.. uh.. a.. a lot of healing to do."

Wow... a bad pun and an awkward stutter. Solid.

5:39- (during a commercial cut-in) Simmons needs help straightening his tie so Kornheiser has to tell him to grab the back of it and slide the knot toward the middle. Yeah, watch the clip. I don't think they were kidding.

5:42- We have a Kornheiser entrant into the joke of the show race. On an alleged crotch grabbing incident in the Chiefs-Browns game.

Sports Guy: "I don't really know what a man region is."
TK: "A man region begins at your waist, and depending on a lot of variables goes all the way down to your knees." HA!

5:43- Annnnnnd... there it is. The worst, most awkward moment of the show. Simmons is talking about Mo Williams and how he affects the Cleveland Cavaliers' cap space when his IFB pops out. It's that little, Secret Service-style earpiece that anchor wear in their ears to get instructions from the control room.

What does Simmons do when the earpiece falls out? Run with it and understand that just as the show's producers have decided to hide his weird jaw scar by positioning him so his left side is toward the camera, they've also put his IFB in his right ear (away from the camera) so no one will notice? Nope.

He stops and says, "My whole thing with the.. if you're gonna.. my ear plug just fell out."
TK: "That's OK, keep going."
Sports Guy: (weird laughter) "Uhh... excuse me."

Ouch.

5:45- If Kurt Warner is eliminated early on Dancing with the Stars, could the Arizona Cardinals lure him back? Simmons launches into an in-depth analysis of the show, rattling off all of the "stars" (they're using that term very loosely on DWTS this season) like Margaret Cho, The Situation, Florence Henderson, and Kurt Warner.
TK: "You're probably the only guy in America who went to a sports bar last night and asked them to put on Dancing with the Stars.
Sports Guy: "I love The Situation, I wanted to make sure he did OK."

Yeah.. that's not weird.

5:46- (as they go to commercial)
TK: "That's great you stopped everything when your earpiece fell out."
Sports Guy: "I got confused!"
TK: "That's OK, but stay the course. Just keep plowing ahead."
Sports Guy: "I'm sorry."

5:49- In the show's 'Toss Up' segment, Kornheiser and Simmons debate who is more likely to implode, Cowboys or Vikings? TK goes Cowboys because of the pressure of from legally insane owner Jerry Jones and the fact the Super Bowl is in Dallas this season. Simmons goes Vikings because he thinks Favre seems flat and looks like he doesn't want to be there. Another great point from Simmons. It's like as soon as Vikings wide receiver Sidney Rice hurt his hip, Favre decided he'd mail it in until he got back.

5:51- Toss up: Tougher season, Reggie Bush or Matt Leinart? TK goes Reggie Bush (gave back his Heisman, just broke his leg, etc.), which, while ignoring his solid ESPY commercials (Reggae Bush), is definitely the way to go. When Simmons takes Leinart, TK drills him on cross-examination because the Sports Guy says Leinart only has two highlights of his life: losing the Rose Bowl and being on an episode of Punk'd in 2006. TK reminds him Leinart won a Heisman that he didn't have to give back. Simmons had literally forgotten this ever happened. Another point for Kornheiser.

5:52- A discussion of whether Steinbrenner's new plaque at the new Yankee Stadium is too big or just right (DEFINITELY too big) leads TK to share some insider Yankee information and historical tidbits, but Simmons reminds him Steinbrenner was kicked out of baseball at one point. Then TK says, "But he came back and put together great teams. He mastered the art of spending money correctly." Would.... we say that? Is that, in fact, even true? Hideki Irabu? Kevin Brown? A.J. Burnett? Carl Pavano? Jason Giambi? That's revisionist history if I've ever heard it.

5:53- Which will last longer, Kristin Cavallari's relationship with Jay Cutler or the Bears winning streak? The conversation devolves into Simmons saying athletes who date reality stars win titles (Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian, Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian) and because he lives in Los Angeles, he sees these folks out on dates all the time. Kornheiser then asks how long Cavallari's relationships usually last and says, "c'mon, you're a Hollywood guy."
Sports Guy: "I am. I'm not a Hollywood guy. Why would you call me a Hollywood guy?"

Umm... because you just said you were?

BTW: Simmons is swinging in his chair at this point. Like a kid waiting for his parents while they're in line at the bank.

5:55- (cutaway during commercial) The floor crew is rearranging some of the heads behind Simmons and he says, "wow, you really buried Jason Priestly." To which Kornheiser responds, "Who's Jason Priestly?"

You might think this is just a generational thing, but there's an entire younger age group that is asking themselves the same question.

5:59- The last question of the 'Big Finish' and it's a softball.
TK: "Twins can clinch tonight with a win and a White Sox loss, will it happen?"
Sports Guy: "I don't know.. I can't see into the future. I don't know."

Oh come on, man! You gotta play the game! They may have been playing along, but Kornheiser looks legitimately frustrated that Simmons seems to be making his job more difficult than it needs to be. Kind of a weak ending to one of the more interesting P.T.I. episodes in a long time. Would have loved to have seen Simmons and Kornheiser do a 'Five Good Minutes' segment where they interview a sports figure and ask the kinds of questions fans would ask, but maybe they'll do that later in the week. Simmons seems to be around until Friday so maybe we'll see it at some point during the week?

Listen, I'm one of the Sports Guy's biggest fans and if I could emulate the man's career path, I'd do it without even blinking. I've been reading his articles since he came to ESPN.com in 2001 and I check his SportsGuy.net site a few times a day to see if he's posted any new columns. But maybe... just maybe... he's not quite cutout for such direct, full-facial television? I know he's dabbled in a few color commentary gigs for WAC college football games and he's pretty interesting when he's going off the cuff, and his podcasts on ESPN.com are getting a great response, but the scripted, on-screen stuff doesn't seem to be where he's at his best.

Of course, take all of this with a grain of salt. I'm apparently a fellow member of what we can now call the Bill Simmons-Tony Kornheiser Face for Radio-Voice for Print Hall of Fame. I'm just not a first ballot inductee.

Knee-Jerk Reaction: The First TNS Auction Draft

2010-09-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

It started with an e-mail. A simple Blackberry vibration or iPhone notification or even a bold number in GMail for those at work trying to look busy. It came from the one guy in your fantasy football league who you'd most expect to rock the boat and try to change things up, and even though you'll eventually end up agreeing with him yourself, you're annoyed at this e-mail. You're annoyed because you know the next several dozen Blackberry vibrations or iPhone notifications or bold GMail numbers over the next two weeks are going to be dedicated to this first email. You're annoyed because the guy suggesting this change is annoying himself when he's defending himself, and logic and grammar/spelling get thrown out the window when he's in defense mode (or any other mode for that matter). Here is this first email verbatim:

"Would you all be interested in switching our league from a redraft league to an Auction League? I've never done an Auction League, but from everybody I know that has they say its more fun. If so we will have to delete our current league and set up a new one. It wont take long but just wanted to see if people were in before doing it. Oh and I would be the commish so that means people would actually get paid on time as opposed to having to wait for months and or years to get paid. Black you still owe me $75 you fucking midget."

First things first, you'll notice it wasn't even a suggestion. It was "we're doing this, and I want to make sure you're all on board. We'll have to delete the league we've done together for at least five years (wrong) and set up a new one (still wrong). Oh, and I'll be league commissioner, even though I can't collect money from someone I'm two inches taller than, who owes me money."

Needless to say, whatever kind of league we chose, this guy was NOT going to be the commissioner.

That's actually the first thing we decided. A few people expressed interest in changing the league over to an auction format, but only if the instigator wasn't the commissioner. We decided to put it up to a vote, which you'd think a group of 12 college educated young professionals could accomplish in an afternoon via e-mail, phone or text, but you would be wrong. That first e-mail came in on August 12th, and for the next two weeks straight, I got dozens of emails a day about not only the draft, but about high school jokes, athletic prowess (past and present), old girlfriends, current jobs, and just what else we would be doing on a weekday night that would be more important than a fantasy football draft among friends. These emails are hilarious, but probably only to the people in the league and maybe to a few other guys who wish they could be in the league themselves.

The funny thing, and probably the sad thing, too, is the e-mails weren't annoying (except for maybe the first one). They were fantastic. They were a daily distraction from work or from bills or from student loan payments. They're why you play fantasy football. It's not just about the competition or the money or whatever, it's the original Facebook. It's a great, more personal way for everyone to stay in touch with each other. I had lunch with a guy in the league during this ridiculous e-mail exchange and as we waited for our burgers, our Blackberrys were vibrating across the table as email after email came in. We were laughing and he said, "I love this shit. This is why I'm still in the league."

We were the league before The League (season premiere Thursday, September 16th on FX, btw). So we're strong enough to handle a little auction draft, right? And if it's no fun, we'll switch back next year (if there's no lockout). Deal? Deal.

Spoiler Alert: we're probably sticking with auction. Hate to admit it, but the instigator who sent out the first email was right. It is fun. You can look at people's rosters and see what positions they still need, and then bid up a guy you know they'll target. Or you can make fun of people for not spending money, spending too much money, etc. It levels the playing field, draft pick-wise, making it so everyone has an equal shot at the best players. After a few technical issues with Yahoo! (shocker), we were off and running.

Here's a look at the first Thursday Night Smashers League auction draft:

Team Name: Bros MattyIcing Bros
Team Owner: Han (beligerrent Libertarian, political instigator, self-described "future houseman," that dog owner)
Steal: Matt Forte $18. Not sure I would have chosen him before Week 1, but after seeing how it looks like Mike Martz is going to use him in their offense, it's not crazy to think he puts up numbers similar to Ray Rice last year.
Reach: Rashard Mendenhall $50. I'm not saying you don't draft Mendenhall, but $50 seemed a little steep. For four quarters in Week 1 against Atlanta, this was a terrible pick. Amazing what a 50-yard TD in OT can do to make things look better.
Best: Legedu Naanee $1. Vincent Jackson isn't playing for the Chargers this season and Naanee is the #2 WR for a pass-heavy offense. Couldn't believe he went for just $1.
Worst: Steven Jackson $48. I just don't trust him with a rookie quarterback. Defenses can stack the box against him and dare Sam Bradford to beat them, which means tough sledding for a guy who admits he's taken a beating over the last few years.
Overall: As his 131 points in the first week can attest, he's going to be just fine. I really had to overthink some things just to come up with a Reach and Worst. Han had a really solid draft, I thought.

Team Name: Andy Cervenak
Team Owner: Nicky (marketing man through and through, sarcastic and funny until you piss him off because then he gets personal with his comments and team names -- in this case, he's taken an engaged guy in the league and given him his wife's last name).
Steal: Santonio Holmes $3. Nicky essentially got a #1 WR for $3. Yeah, he has Mark Sanchez throwing to him, and yeah, he's suspended for a few games, but Holmes will be the top receiving target there as soon as he hits the field and that counts for any team without Jamarcus Russell.
Reach: Calvin Johnson $40. It's the Lions. No one is worth $40 on the Lions when you start with a $200 budget. They'll definitely be trailing a lot, which means a lot of passing, and Matthew Stafford should be better, but the price just seemed too high.
Best: Matt Schaub $25. The Texans will put up a ton of points again this year, and they'll only go as far as Schaub takes them. Nicky could have spent $30 on him and it would have still been a solid price to pay.
Worst: Pierre Thomas $40. Something about that $40 threshold makes me think you should be getting a player who can win a week for you, and Thomas isn't that guy. You don't pay $40 for guys who split carries in pass-heavy offenses. Well, maybe you don't. Nicky does.
Overall: Nicky's pretty heavily invested in the Texans with both Schaub and Andre Johnson on his roster, but he spent a lot of money early, which means he's starting Cadillac Williams as his second running back. The Darren McFadden pick up could be interesting, depending on what happens with Michael Bush.

Team Name: cheeseheads
Team Owner: Dr. Shansington (actual practicing medical doctor in Wisconsin, generally homesick, the only guy who had a legitimate concern about how long the draft would take because of his regular ICU shifts at the hospital).
Steal: Cedric Benson $30. This was the third pick of the draft and technical problems made people a little gun shy early, so maybe he took advantage of this, but a starting running back who doesn't really share carries is worth $30 for sure. When that team isn't awful and has a decent passing attack to keep defenses on their toes, $30 for that back is a steal.
Reach: DeSean Jackson $25. Not much of a reach, I admit, but $25 was a little much for a guy breaking in with a new quarterback and who won't catch too many balls from Michael Vick when he's in the game for 10-15 snaps a game.
Best: Eli Manning $6. Guy's going to throw for 3,500 yards and 25 TDs and the good doctor got him for less than $10. Solid.
Worst: Matthew Stafford $3. Not just because he's hurt and will be out for a few weeks, but because Shansington has three quarterbacks on his roster.
Overall: A surprisingly solid draft from a guy who, only a few days earlier, was asking me if I could draft for him because he "didn't know anything about football." Please. That Eli Manning pick was great and he also got Frank Gore for a respectable price. The doctor was trying to hustle us.

Team Name: Arvid Olson
Team Owner: Bobo (lawyer, sarcastic political debater with little tolerance for uninformed opinions, Bay Area sports fan, the real commish).
Steal: Ripping off another member of the league immediately after the draft by trading him Malcolm Floyd for Antonio Gates... straight up.
Reach: Brandon Marshall for $35. Too much money for a guy working with not only a new quarterback, but also the worst quarterback he's ever played with in Chad Henne. He's also now playing for a run-first team.
Best: Ahmad Bradshaw $17. I bid him up for this guy because I really wanted him at the time, and this was before we knew he was going to beat out Brandon Jacobs for the starting job in New York. Bradshaw's still in a timeshare, but he's the better receiving threat out of the backfield.
Worst: Felix Jones $17. I really don't know who to trust out of the Cowboys backfield, and I'd frankly stay away from all of them. Just seems like you could better spend that money elsewhere.
Overall: Tough to argue with his starting roster after that Gates robbery, but he did come out of the draft with a mediocre TE and pretty heavily invested in Wes Welker's surgically-repaired knee. Of course, after Week 1, that looks like a good investment. We'll see, but I'm afraid to say he's got a pretty solid squad with Tommy Terrific as his quarterback and Ray Rice as his running back. Team name is also pretty solid because it's a guy none of us have seen in 10 years.

Team Name: Nobody Beats The Wiz
Team Owner: Rafey Poo.
Steal: Ryan Matthews $38. If this guy is half as good as everyone says he's going to be, Rafe could have spent another $10-$15 and it would have been a good price to get him. He's going to be the main ball carrier, and he'll catch 40-50 balls out of the backfield. The Chargers are obviously going to put up a ton of points and he'll be a big part of that. This was another pick that was really early in the draft so technical issues may have played a part in the crazy low price here.
Reach: Justin Forsett $15. No idea who's going to be 'The Guy' in Seattle, but it probably won't really be anyone for most of the season. It's a timeshare with Leon Washington, Julius Jones, and Forsett, and $15 is a little too much to risk on that.
Best: Eddie Royal $4. Kyle Orton loves him and Denver is going to throw a ton. Jabar Gaffney may be the #1 out there, but Royal is a great value at $4.
Worst: Leaving $30 on the table. Let's just say, there were jokes made in the draft room and not all of those jokes were received well by Rafey.
Overall: I mean, any time you have $30 to spend and you don't spend it... it's not the best draft. That said, he's still fielded a solid team with the money he did spend. Not his fault for getting good value in a few areas. If Cutler is as effective in the Mike Martz system as everyone seems to think he'll be, then he could be just fine. He's really thin (starting Pierre Garcon) and old (Donald Driver) at WR, but we're only one week in. The team name would also be really funny... 10 years ago.

Team Name: sweHatin heMMMbody
Team Owner: Millertime (shortest member of the league, communicates through movie quotes from a select group of movies, very recently married, made football bets from his honeymoon).
Steal: Chris Cooley $5. Donovan McNabb loves him, and let's be honest, he's one of two respectable receiving threats on the Redskins. Combine that with the fact Kyle Shanahan is Washington's offensive coordinator (made Owen Daniels a stud in Houston) and with a healthy ankle, and Cooley will be a top 8 TE this season.
Reach: Reggie Wayne $33. Too much to spend on a guy who has been on the decline the last couple of seasons. While he hasn't gotten as bad as everyone says he has, Wayne is too easy for opposing teams to take out of the Colts' game plan, which is why guys like Garcon/Collie and Dallas Clark have emerged the way they have.
Best: Arian Foster $27. We all bid him up this high because we bought into the preseason hype machine, but Miller was willing to do what it took to get him. Foster's 231 yards and 3TDs in the first week of the season pretty much back up that price.
Worst: Maurice Jones-Drew $67. For $5 you get Chris Johnson and a guarantee. For $67, you should get a guarantee, and instead you get a guy with a meniscus issue and an increasing buzz around his backup because no one really knows how hurt MJD is. To be fair, Miller had no way of knowing the injury situation because the Jags were so secretive in the preseason, but for that much money, you want a sure thing and Miller didn't get it here.
Overall: One of the best drafts out of anyone in the league. His season is going to depend on how well Rivers adjusts to life after Vincent Jackson and on MJD's knee because he's really thin at running back. Despite what I said about Wayne, Miller has one of the best WR combos in the league in Miles Austin and Wayne. Not bad for a guy who hijacked the draft date and time because of his wedding.

Team Name: Fat Albert
Team Owner: Timmeh (lawyer and email terrorist in that he'll maybe respond to every 20th email, but when he does, he'll drop a bomb that will lay waste to every email around it).
Steal: Hines Ward $13. Really? Only $13? I understand there being some hesitation because of Ben Roethlisberger's suspension, but he's the top receiving target in Pittsburgh, no matter who is under center. Oh, and Rapelisberger is only suspended for four games.
Reach: Donovan McNabb $7. I know it's only $7, but it's still too much. Oh, and Timmeh drafted three quarterbacks so this $7 could have been better spent elsewhere.
Best: Sidney Rice $3. This also qualifies as a steal because, I mean, Favre loves this guy, and he's only going to miss seven games or so. When he comes back, he's the top target for a guy who definitely plays favorites.
Worst: Robert Meachem $11. The only guys worth spending that kind of money on in that offense are Drew Brees, Marques Colston, and Pierre Thomas. Meachem isn't even the guaranteed #2 WR because Brees doesn't play favorites and spreads the ball around too much for there to be any consistency.
Overall: No idea. I really don't know at all. Timmeh's gotta start Meachem because he really doesn't have anyone else to plug in at WR until Rice gets back. He's also starting Jahvid Best alongside Shonn Greene, which could have a big upside, but most likely means he's starting 1.5 RBs every week. The three QBs didn't help, bu who knows, maybe one of them (Carson Palmer, Matt Ryan or McNabb) will be a stud.

Team Name: Tatupu Platter
Team Owner: Hondo (recently enrolled in business school, sarcastic, marathon runner, transponster in the same vein as Chandler from Friends in that no one really knew what he did for a living before business school).
Steal: Dwayne Bowe $11. Having Charlie Weiss as offensive coordinator will do nothing but help Dwayne Bowe and Matt Cassell. He's the top receiving option in a system that will definitely throw so $11 is a crazy deal.
Reach: Brandon Jacobs $16. It's not a ton of money, but it's still too much for a guy who will be a touchdown vulture and not a whole lot else. The plan in New York right now is for Jacobs to see about 1/3 of the series Bradshaw does, and Jacobs isn't much of a receiving threat, either.
Best: Chris Johnson $72. It's a ton of money and it kind of handcuffs what you can do from there, but Hondo had the stones to throw down the money for a sure thing. This is a guy who can get you a win almost singlehandedly, and he can do it just about every week.
Worst: Steve Slaton $10. Maybe for half that, just as a flyer and just to kind of bet against the Arian Foster hype, but $10 could have definitely been spent in other areas, including WR (Michael Crabtree and T.O.). That said, he just beat me easily in Week 1, so what do I know?
Overall: In addition to Chris Johnson, Hondo has another guy in Aaron Rodgers who can get a win for him any given week. It's already happened in the first week of the season so it will definitely happen through the rest of the season. Not much else if one of those guys gets hurt, but so far, so good.

Team Name: Will You Marry Me?
Team Owner: Black (man of many nicknames, lawyer, entrepreneur; efficient commenter and emailer in that he won't write more than 30 words, but in that Twitter-sized space, he'll drop a few haymakers; speaking of which, he also fancies himself a boxer).
Steal: Ben Roethlisberger $4. He's only suspended four games and when he gets back he's going to be a top 6 or 7 quarterback. Worth the $4.
Reach: Donald Brown $11. Black drafted Joseph Addai so I guess he thought of Brown as insurance? Still not worth the $11. You could also say the $19 he spent on Addai wasn't too good either, but hey, I'm not here to judge. Wait..
Best: Antonio Gates $15. This is the top passing option in a pass-heavy offense. He'll put up a monster season because he's the only guy Philip Rivers trusts right now. He's the best TE in football, and he's crazy consistent. Even in his down years, he puts up 1,000 yards and at least 8 TDs. Wait, Black traded him?!?! Well did he get a stud in return? Malcolm Floyd?!? So he traded the Chargers' top receiving option for an unproven one? Sure, why not.
Worst: Vernon Davis $10. Because at the time, he was the third tight end Black had drafted.
Overall: The only thing that saves the Gates-Floyd trade from being completely ridiculous is the fact Black drafted three solid TEs (Brent Celek, Vernon Davis and Antonio Gates). As a result, he kind of slacked when it came to his WRs, which is why he scrambled for Floyd, I guess. Still pretty sure he could have gotten a better deal or hung onto Gates and traded one of the other two, but who knows. Maybe Gates gets hurt on Monday night and this is all a moo point.

Team Name: Rainin Bitches
Team Owner: Nandy (the instigator who started the auction talk, oversized person and personality, newly-engaged guy who is the subject of Nicky and Black's team names, sarcastic, profane, not familiar with a dictionary).
Steal: Mike Williams (TB) $2. Tampa's QB Josh Freeman loves him. He's already the top receiving option on a team that will be trailing for just about every minute of the season so he could very easily put up 1,000 yards as a rookie.
Reach: Michael Bush $15. I'm a Raiders fan and I wouldn't go near the guy. Why spend double digit money on a guy who's already starting the season with a serious injury?
Best: Clinton Portis $8. He is the only rushing option in D.C., and he's playing for a guy who loves him and loves to run the football. If the 'Skins get a lead, he's the closer who will be asked to put the game away late in the game. And Nandy got him for less than $10.
Worst: Jonathan Stewart $28. You just don't spend that kind of money on a guy who is the second option in a time share. Or who has injuries. So you definitely don't spend it on a guy who has both of those concerns.
Overall: Actually really liked his draft. Not as much as he did, but that's obviously going to be the case for a guy who sends out emails to the entire league congratulating himself for the draft he just pulled off. Jamaal Charles could be a steal at $33, but for right now, he's just a big question mark for a head coach in Todd Haley who says he'll go with "the hot hand" throughout the season and for an offensive coordinator in Charlie Weiss who loved running back committees when he was last in the NFL in New England. Tony Romo at QB should be solid, though.

Team Name: The Smush Captain
Team Owner: Danny Ocean (to me he's definitely guy who seemed least likely to use that team name, high school reunion organizer, took over for Black as the guy most likely to draft random players just to be funny).
Steal: Hakeem Nicks $8. As the resident Giants fan in the league, I'm not surprised he knew how good Nicks was going to be, but that was one hell of a way to start the season. Eli Manning loves him and he can make plays after the catch. Going to get a crazy return on that $8.
Reach: Minnesota defense $7. Just too much to spend on a defense.
Best: Ronnie Brown $22. Always an injury concern, but Danny Ocean could absolutely get $40 or more of value out of this guy because we still don't know what to expect from Chad Henne at quarterback. Tony Sporano says we won't see as much of the Wildcat as we have in years past, and you could surmise the team didn't trade for Brandon Marshall just to not throw to him, but I still think it's a run-first team.
Worst: Michael Turner $70. For $2 more, he could have had Chris Johnson. The drop off between those two guys is too much for there to only be a $2 difference in price.
Overall: Tough to argue with a team of Peyton Manning and Michael Turner, but you could make the argument he's a little thin at WR and RB. Spending that much on Turner means he could have distributed his money in those positions to maybe get another couple guys, but he still has a really good team.

Team Name: Peter Guerrero's Mom
Team Owner: Me (recently married, prematurely gray, sarcastic, too much spare time, hilarious).
Steal: Devin Aromashodu $1. Jay Cutler loves him and he's in Mike Martz's pass-happy offense which means he'll see a ton of targets a game. Not out of the realm of possibility to think he puts up 1,000 yards and six touchdowns, which is a nice return on $1.
Reach: DeAngelo Williams $40. I'll take my own advice on this and say it's too much to spend on a guy in a timeshare. Now that I've seen them play for a week, I can see he'll pretty much disappear once the Panthers play catch up, which unfortunately, will probably be the case a lot this season. Definitely the top running back, but Jonathan Stewart will probably steal a few touchdowns.
Best: Steve Smith (CAR) $23. Has a great relationship and chemistry with Matt Moore and they'll be trailing a ton, which means they'll be throwing a ton. The arm is healthy, and he's ready to be a top 15 WR again.
Worst: Montario Hardesty $6. This was admittedly early in the draft and about a week before his season-ending knee injury. That said, if I hadn't pulled the trigger here, I may have had enough to grab Ahmad Bradshaw from Bobo when he and I went back and forth on him. This one hurts.
Overall: My team is pretty bad. Ryan Grant getting hurt in the first game of the season doesn't help, either. I did get Drew Brees, but unless he goes off this season, I don't see myself winning too many games. Not really sure what happened during the draft itself, but I kind of had an idea in my head of what I was willing to spend on guys and everyone was going above that so I stayed on the sidelines. That meant spending a little more on certain guys (Williams, Grant) just to make sure I had solid options at RB. Now one of them is hurt. No bueno.

Lou Piniella Says There is, in fact, Crying in Baseball

2010-08-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

Facebook is a tricky thing.

It might help you keep in touch with your friends and family, it might help you network to find a job, and chances are, Facebook is probably the only reason you're reading this. But today, I got another reminder of just how dangerous Facebook can be, or in this case, just how stupid it can make you look and feel.

Since my college days at Northwestern (or more likely, since the day I found out a few guys I knew in college made a ton of money selling Cubs tickets for inflated prices), I've been on the Cubs.com e-mail list that sends out news and updates just about every day. Normally, this "breaking news" was along the lines of discounted merchandise available in the Cubs Shop online ("The Riot" t-shirts, anyone?), but today, the Cubs.com email stopped me in my tracks. Cubs skipper Lou Piniella was retiring after today's game? But it's only August!

We'd heard earlier this summer he planned to make this his last year and call it a career at the end of the season, but there's still baseball to be played... why now? Sure, the Cubs are 23 games under .500, 21.5 games out of first place, and one of the most shocking disappointments in baseball this year, but surely he could stick it out a few more weeks with his team... right?

At least that's what I felt when I read that Cubs.com email so I did what any rational, cell phone-carrying moron with Facebook access would do and I took to the interwebs and posted the following:

"Sure, the rest of the Cubs have quit on the season, why wouldn't Lou do the same thing? Sorry, Cubs fans. You deserve better."

What we have there is a textbook example of writing something without all of the facts. To me, this was a case of a guy who was tired (let's be honest, he's 66 years old and he looks every day of it), who was embarrassed at the way the season had gone, and who wanted to get a head start on his Florida retirement. You can't fault the logic, but in baseball, as with any other sport, you don't let your team down and you don't give up on something you started together all those months and all those games ago in Spring Training in Mesa, Arizona. That's quitting on your team and it's damn near unforgivable in any sport, but especially so in baseball.

What I didn't know was that his mother had been sick... very sick. What I also didn't know, and what I would have lost a ton of money betting on if it were on the board in Vegas was that Piniella's mother was even alive. Seriously, Piniella himself looks more like he's 76 than 66. So when I first heard the whispers of "family health issues" and first began to feel pretty bad about saying Lou had quit on the Cubs, I thought it was his wife or maybe one of his children who needed his help. Turns out it his mother, and things are so serious with her and the bond between them so strong, he is willing to walk away from the game he loves and the city that had adopted him to be by her side. Piniella made his announcement just before the Cubs-Braves game Sunday afternoon, and in doing so he said, "my mom needs me home and that's where I'm going."

Uggggh... that was pretty tough to hear and it made me feel even worse about that whole jumping-to-Facebook-conclusions thing. When I logged back into my account to maybe take that post down, a friend from high school had already pretty much eviscerated me for my heartless ways: "lou is the fucking man, and there is some stuff going on with his family. what, he didn't win with the cubs? shocker. if you're watching his press conference right now you should be moved."

Uggggh (x2)... so do I have to watch the press conference now? (yes)

Damn.

SportsCenter's been running a long soundbite of his Piniella's post-game press conference all night so you can probably still catch it, but in case you won't ever see it, here's a little summary. You'll see a guy who is just done with baseball. Done. You'll see a guy whose face is lined, weathered, drawn and scruffy after decades of travel, player egos, front-office politics, grating local media and, we now know, too much time away from his family. You'll see a guy who has been a part of professional baseball, every year, since he was signed as an amateur free agent by the Indians in 1962. That's 48 years! He signed his first contract during the Kennedy administration and he won the AL Rookie of the Year award the same year we put a man on the moon.

You watch that press conference and you'll see a guy who won a World Series in his third season as a big league manager, and then spent the rest of his career traveling around the country chasing another ring, trying to recapture that feeling. As a player and as a manager, he's been a part of 10 different organizations (Indians, Senators, Orioles, Pilots, Royals, Yankees, Reds, Mariners, Devil Rays, and Cubs), three of which don't even exist any more. He's 14th on the all-time wins list with 1,835, and he's one of just five managers to win three Manager of the Year awards (1995 and 2001 with Seattle; 2008 with Chicago). In short, he's been a baseball lifer ever since he graduated from high school, and somewhere between Saturday's win over Atlanta and Sunday's afternoon first pitch against his close friend Bobby Cox, he decided things were at a point with his family that he had to get home right away.

Of course, the Cubs lost Sunday... badly. The thing the Cubs just couldn't get right during Piniella's years on the north side, the bullpen (Kevin Gregg, anyone?), let him down one more time. But that wasn't the sad part. At the somewhat profane urging of my high school friend-Facebook commenter, I watched Piniella's post-game press conference and here were just about the final words of Lou Piniella, baseball manager, before he became Lou Piniella, son.

"I cried a little bit after the game," he said, before pausing to try to collect himself. "I get emotional, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be. This will be the last time I'll put on a uniform, and it's been very special to me."

Sweet Lou is crying now on your TV screen, and if you have a heart in your chest, you'll probably be blinking back a few tears of your own. Because it turns out, there is crying in baseball. You feel for him because he's walking away from the game he loves and because he doesn't quite get to wrap up his career on his own terms. Through all the wins, and all the umpire tantrums, and all the ejections, you realize this is a guy who is strong enough to give it all up for his family.

His mom is sick and she needs him home.

Joe Theismann Has Himself a Donovan McNabb McOrgasm

2010-08-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

Joe Theismann loves four things:
1) Quarterbacks.
2) Joe Theismann.
3) The Redskins.
4) Tanning beds.

Now, while you might look at this column and feel a healthy mix of "really?" and pity that someone (me) took the time to sit down to do a running blog of a meaningless preseason football game, let me just remind you the biggest under-the-radar story of the NFL offseason involves a future Hall of Fame quarterback who now plays for the Redskins. So when that quarterback is makes his Redskins debut and Joe Theismann and his leathery, catcher's mitt face is there to call the action... that running blog needs to be written.

Because lost amid this summer's Anchorman-style 'Panda Watch' coverage of Albert Haynesworth conditioning test trouble, the Darrelle Revis holdout drama, and our annual Favre-aissance on ESPN is the surreal site of Donovan McNabb in a Redskins uniform at Redskins Park as he prepares for his 12th NFL season. In a normal offseason, this story would be splashed across the 24/7 sports news cycle. Think about it: When is a franchise quarterback traded within the division? When does a successful franchise in a sports rabid city of notoriously short-fused, violent, and apparently weak-stomached fan base, with a crop of talented young receivers turn the keys over to a guy with four more NFL starts than your sister (Kevin Kolb), instead of sticking with a six-time Pro Bowler with more than 30,000 career passing yards and 200 career touchdowns (McNabb)?

Turns out, we've seen this before.

Pretty recently, in fact.

Favre himself has proven just how dangerous is it can be to put a quarterback out to pasture when he's not quite past his expiration date. Especially to a team in desperate need of a quarterback and especially to a division rival you have to play at least twice a year. The question fans throughout the NFC East have is whether we're going to have an Emmitt Smith/Edgerrin James in a Cardinals jersey, nothing left to contribute, just hanging on to pad their career stats and cash a paycheck future Hall of Famer situation or whether we'll see a Joe Montana/Brett Favre, can still play in the right system, looking to prove his old team wrong and make it pay for forcing him out situation. That's why McNabb's first preseason game for the Redskins is so important, that's why Theismann's little Joey will be standing at attention, and that's why the blog must be written.

Pre-Game: Wow, haven't seen one of these in a while. It's the Redskins Broadcast Network and it's year 2000 graphics. This is one of the reasons I love watching preseason football; it's the last place you'll get to see local affiliates try to do live football coverage and that means awful announcers and cheesy graphics. Good to see we can check off the cheesy graphics so soon in the broadcast.

Pre-Game: Wow, how did the Redskins get Fox's Kenny Albert to do play-by-play tonight? That's a good catch. The dude may have some "suspect" family ties to the D.C. area, but he knows his football and he's really solid. Not much to look at... but still.

Pre-Game: Albert's pre-game package sounds like this. "New era... new faces... new leadership making the decisions and taking control of the huddle.." That last leadership line was accompanied by a shot of Bruce Allen and Mike Shanahan. That's how bad things have gotten with the Redskins over the last few years. Fans are watching this and thinking, "Dan Snyder isn't making the decisions anymore? Now THAT's a reason to get excited."

Pre-Game: Introducing our broadcast team tonight: Albert (just here for the paycheck) and Theismann (this is the only place that'll have me). Remember, Theismann did ESPN's Sunday Night Football for almost 20 years, did a Super Bowl while he was still playing, and even did a year of Monday Night Football in 2006. So many people in so many different roles have signed off on him as a color commentator it's laughable. And it's not like he's just gotten worse as he's gotten older; he's always been this bad.

Pre-Game: Theismann's first unbiased, completely objective line of the night, "we're all excited about Donovan McNabb." Atta boy, Joe.

Pre-Game: Yes! Doc Walker rounds out our broadcast team as the sideline reporter. Doc played tight end for the 'Skins in the early '80s and was on the Theismann-led team that the Raiders dominated in Super Bowl XVIII in 1984. This guy is all over the D.C. sports broadcasting scene and, um... I really don't know why. He seems a little overmatched by this sideline reporting business. Kenny tosses it down to him right before kickoff and Doc responds with, "Gentlemen (pause) how are you?" Yeah, Kenny and Joe weren't expecting that. "Doc... uh... we're ready to go," Kenny rallies.

Pre-Game: Here is Doc's verbatim pre-game sideline report from a 35% full FedEx Field. "And I'm ready to go with you. Great atmosphere here on the sidelines. You can feel the electricity. And like Joe Theismann has talked about all day, the anticipation (pause) for me, the secondary on defense and the offensive line on offense. And I am ready to see it happen." So we've established the secondary plays on defense, the offensive line plays on offense, and Doc Walker is excited about it. Carry on, sir.

Pre-Game: A full three seconds of silence before Kenny concludes Doc is done and thanks him for his report. Not to be outdone, Theismann says something to the effect of, "there are a lot of recognizable names on the field so that's why expectations are so high." Touche'. Your move, Mr. Walker.

Pre-Game: Albert reminds us new Redskins Offensive Coordinator Kyle Shanahan was in Houston last year. The Texans did have a filthy passing game last season. The running attack... not so much.

Pre-Game: McNabb threw for more than 3,500 yards and went 22-10 on TDs and interceptions last season. If you're a Skins fan, you'll take that right now, right? Well guess what? You had it last year with Jason Campbell (3,618 yards, 20 TDs and 15 INTs). Things that make you go hmmm...

First Quarter-

15:00- Clinton Portis gets the start; no small feat in a backfield that features Larry Johnson and Willie Parker. If this were 2005, the 'Skins would be a fantasy football team. Interesting to see what Shanahan will do with Portis this year. They liked each other so much in Denver that Shanny traded him to D.C. for Champ Bailey. Then again, we now know Portis is legally insane so take that with a grain of salt.

14:14- Santana Moss on an end around that never got going. The man still looks fast, but he blocking was turrrrible.

13:30- McNabb has his first completion as a Redskin, a quick slant to tight end Chris Cooley. These two have apparently developed some quick chemistry so far in training camp. Combine that with Cooley's lack of a limp after ankle surgery last year and this could be a big year for one of my favorite players in the NFL. Why is he my favorite? Because of this site.

12:57- Albert describes McNabb's pass as "in the vicinity of Santana Moss." That was kind of him to say. That pass more more "in the vicinity of the ground at no one's feet."

12:57- Time for Theismann to check in. "What people forget, Kenny, is Donovan McNabb spent 11 years as a Philadelphia Eagle." Nope, we didn't forget. Pretty sure we're all on the same page there.

12:12- Nice zip on the ball from McNabb to... wait... Roydell Williams? Why does that name sound familiar? I feel like I've almost drafted him as a sleeper in a fantasy football league, but that was years ago...

12:12- Quick interruption from Theismann. "Yeah Kenny, Trent Williams is a guy we've all been interested in..." Then he goes on to talk about the offensive lineman, Trent Williams. THAT'S NOT WHO WE WERE TALKING ABOUT! I need to hear more about this Roydell Williams guy. Why does he sound familiar and why is he starting opposite of Santana Moss as the starting #2 receiver?

11:49- Theismann says he's excited just to see what this defense is capable of doing. He says he hasn't missed but "one or two" practices. Hey, I know what you're thinking, but yes, Joe Theismann does have that kind of spare time on his hands.

11:06- Bills running back Fred Jackson rushes right side and gets taken down by his facemask. Head jerked and everything. Albert notes the flag and Theismann interrupts him to tell us, "that could be a facemask when he was taken down." You think so, doctor?

11:06- It's the preseason for the referees, too. They called it on #23 DeAngelo Hall, but it was definitely #41 Kareem Moore. Hall wasn't even in the screen because, you know, that would have involved a tackle.

9:51- Case in point. Lee Evans on a quick wide receiver screen and just jukes the jock off of Hall. MeAngelo hardly got a hand on him as Evans went by. Theismann tells us Evans and the rest of the Bills are just "waiting for someone on the other side, another receiver, to take the pressure off of him." Hate to break it to you JoeyT, but they had that guy last year. His name was Terrell Owens and he led the team in receiving. What they're waiting for is a quarterback not named Trent Edwards or Ryan Fitzpatrick.

8:59- Scary words for any Bills fan to hear. "Empty backfield... Edwards out of the shotgun."

8:05- More scary words for Bills fans. "Chan Gailey, by the way, is the playcaller, as well as the head coach."

7:29- 'Skins defense gives up a field goal, and Theismann has apparently been out of the broadcasting game for too long because he just explained away Washington's sloppy start by saying the defense was too "juiced up" on that first Bills drive. Yeah, we don't use that term in sports anymore.

7:29- After a Redskins false start penalty, Theismann says "we talked about all the newness..." No. We did not talk about all the "newness." That was all you, sir.

7:11- Theismann predicts a special year for Portis. Sure... because anything with Portis and Shanahan's use of his running backs is easy to predict.

6:49- Nice pitch and catch between McNabb and that Roydell Williams guy... who did not play in the NFL for the last two seasons?!?! The same Roydell Williams who caught 55 balls in 2007 with the Titans. That's the guy?!?! And he's lining up opposite Moss as the starting #2 wide receiver? Sure.

6:26- McNabb goes deep for Joey Galloway but the pass falls incomplete. Galloway has apparently been in the NFL for 16 years and is 38 years old. I'm no Redskins fan, but even I'm worried about who McNabb is going to throw to this year.

6:26- Theismann breaks down what happened on that McNabb incompletion to Galloway. "You have to make this throw in the field to give the receiver a chance." Good to know. Doesn't seem like obvious information at all.

4:11- McNabb shows he still has some solid wheels as he picks up a first down on a bootleg run. It's good to move the chains, but do you really want McNabb running like that in the first game of the preseason? Hasn't he hurt his knee before on that exact play without anyone touching him?

3:39- Cooley's third reception of the first quarter and he even took a shot when he made the grab, but got right up. Great look on the deep cross from McNabb. Cooley may be your de facto #2 receiver this year.

2:24- Stellar exchange between Doc and Theismann (who Walker calls "Joey") leads to Theismann reiterating his thoughts on the revamped Redskins. "There's just a lot of newness on this team." Now, me personally? Here's a guy who loves newness on an NFL team.

1:41- McNabb over the middle to some dude named Armstrong for a touchdown. Seriously, I feel like the construction workers in Major League. "Who are these f-ing guys?"

1:25- C.J. Spiller just picked up 11 yards with some video game quickness through the right side. Sweet mercy. I know it's only one run in the preseason, but that dude looks like he deserved to hold out for part of training camp.

0:43- Apparently, Theismann is on Twitter (@Theismann7). Let's just say his typing and current events knowledge is somewhat lacking. "Joe, what do you think of BYU trying to follow the Notre Dame model and become an independent?" Joe's answer, "what are you talking about?" That's an excuse to join Twitter, right there.

0:33- Interception by DeAngelo Hall. Nice return inside the 20 and then let's just say his celebrating is already in midseason form. Come on, MeAngelo... it's the preseason, man.

0:28- Something 'Skins fans don't want to hear too much of this season: "Rex Grossman in at quarterback for the Redskins..."

Second Quarter-

14:16- Redskins inside the 5 and Theismann says he'd really be surprised if Kyle Shanahan thros a lot in this area of the field because he thinks it's important for the team to establish a smashmouth, pound-it-in mentality (the 'That's What She Said' joke is too easy for JoeyT). But in the same comment, Theismann notes the 'Skins have just substituted 3 WRs onto the field. It's like he's having a conversation with himself. You can just picture Kenny Albert saying, "no go ahead, just let me know when you're done."

14:07- Some guy named Keland Williams just scored a rushing TD for the 'Skins. Hey, let's be honest, unless you're household name Roydell Williams who's been out of football for two years, I can't be expected to know who you are.

13:28- 'Skins on defense here in the second quarter and you know who we haven't seen yet? Everyone's favorite $100 million malcontent and physical specimen Albert Haynesworth. If only we could talk to someone who might know what the situation is with him...

13:28- Oh wait! This is the Redskins Broadcast Network so that means it's time for an awkward 2-on-1 interview with 'Skins owner Daniel Snyder!

13:05- Theismann asks him why he brought in Bruce Allen and Mike Shanahan. "We needed to go in a better direction and turn this thing around," Snyder says. Or... I needed someone who could tell me to shut the hell up, and Bruce and Mike are those guys.

12:40- No questions from Kenny Albert at this point, it's just Joey and Danny loving up on each other. Theismann asks Snyder about the improvements to FedEx Field and Snyder touts the massive new videoboards by calling them 'punter proof.' Ok, that was an obvious dig at Jerry Jones and his new stadium, and I can recognize a good joke when I see one. Atta boy, Danny.

12:25- After the 'Skins return a Bills punt, Theismann proves he's been paying no attention to the game when he tells Snyder, "well, we have another interception!" Then Albert has to be the jerk and explain to everyone it was just a punt return.

12:14- Theismann transitions awkwardly from talking about how the 'Skins have moved Sean Taylor's locker from Redskins Park to FedEx Field for the fans... to opening up with Dallas in Week 1. Snyder is talking about how exciting it's going to be, but he's such a big dull dud when he talks, he makes Bill Belichick sound like Gilbert Gottfried.

11:17- "And this is sort of overstating the obvious..." Wait a second! Was that Theismann pointing out his own worst broadcasting trait?!?! Are we at the intersection of First and First/the nexus of the universe???

8:17- Grossman hooks up with tight end Fred Davis for a touchdown. Davis made a nice move to make the grab and then spin into the end zone for the score. What's going to happen to Davis this year? That guy helped me win one of my fantasy football leagues last year and he's crazy good. Gonna be tough to keep him off the field.

8:10- Looks like Haynesworth is in the game. The Bills commit a false start penalty, and while and I might see that as a simple penalty, Theismann gives credit to Haynesworth by saying, "he was disruptive without the ball even being snapped." Sure, Joe.

8:10- "You gotta believe, all is forgiven," says Theismann with regard to how the fans feel about the Haynesworth situation. Ummm... not quite.

(sidenote: this is why I stuck around after the first quarter. Had to see company man JoeyT fawn all over Fat Albert)

7:42- Theismann: "Reed Doughty on defense is like Rex Grossman on offense. He's not the starter, but boy do you feel comfortable when he's in charge." I can't tell who should be more insulted there, Doughty or Grossman. Either way, another accurate assessment from Theismann.

7:03- As the ref is booming out a penalty call over the loudspeaker and over the air, Theismann is trying to talk about how comfortable Bobby Wade and Rex Grossman are because they played together in Chicago. I, on the other hand, think the 'Skins just brought in Wade so Galloway would have someone to talk about the Great Depression with.

2:38- Time for Doc Walker to earn his paycheck. "Hey Kenny and Joseph, we talked about big Albert Haynesworth. Would he have the stamina? Has the weight loss paid off? Yes, indeed. Now, the real test. You know, Joe, nobody wants to get caught in a two-minute offense, but the quarterback." I didn't make a word of that up or take it out of context.

2:00- As Theismann is breaking down Redskins linebacker Perry Riley's open field tackling ability ("it's really a prerequisite for being a linebacker," according to JoeyT), Kenny Albert casually slips in the tidbit that Riley's brother is Perry Ellis. As in, "I got a sweet deal on this Perry Ellis dress shirt at T.J. Maxx." This is the kind of stuff you learn during garbage time in a preseason game.

0:59- You think Theismann loves quarterbacks? After a bad Grossman incompletion, Theismann chimes in with, "People look at that play and say, 'that's an incomplete pass.' I look at it a little bit different. I look at Devin Thomas, who's depth was too far and didn't let him work into the area where Rex expected him. Remember, Rex is very comfortable in this system. Everyone else has to get up to his speed and anticipate where the ball is going to be." Yeah guys. Rex Grossman isn't the problem, you're the problem.

Uggghhh... I can't take this anymore. Theismann is killing my soul. The 'Skins were up 21-3 at the half, which is pretty much the only score (if any) that matters in an NFL preseason game. They'd go on to win 42-17 and just about ruin the Bills ground game in the process. What did we learn?
1) McNabb looked good, but he doesn't really have anyone other than Santana Moss and Chris Cooley to throw to.
2) Rex Grossman is awaiting your apology.
3) The mere presence of Albert Haynesworth causes other teams to commit penalties.
4) Joe Theismann loves the sound of his own voice.

The Win that Never Was

2010-06-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, a friend of mine used to do an impression of a girl from Slovenia. This wasn't a girl who actually went to our school or even a girl he had met, no, this was a girl he had made up. In the middle of a group conversation, he'd just start talking in a halting falsetto with a Russian/Eastern European accent and talk about how different things were in "these U.S. of A's" or how cold it was "back in home country Slovenia." Everyone would shut up when he did it because a) he was the senior class president, and b) we thought it was hilarious.

It goes without saying, there wasn't much in the way of entertainment in my hometown.

What does this have to do with the World Cup? Not a whole lot, but I can say with absolute certainty that up until Friday morning, my friend's cross-gendered impression was the extent of my interaction with Slovenia. Here's me, pre-Friday morning: "Slovenia? Don't you mean Slovakia?" Your answer probably would have been, "oh yeah, my bad."

That's not meant to be insensitive; it's just pointing out the fact that anyone who says they could have found Slovenia on a map before Friday is a FREAKING LIAR! Want a laugh? Go check out the Slovenia Wikipedia page. Scroll down to more recent history and you'll see only 89% of the country voted for independence from Yugoslavia during a referendum in 1990. 89%! What the hell was wrong with the other 11%? Here's an idea: if you even have to vote on whether to declare independence... you shouldn't declare independence. If things aren't bad enough to where everyone can say, "you know what? Screw votes. We need a war!" then maybe you should re-think that whole starting-up-a-new-nation thing.

Who knew Slovenia would dominate a day in my life 20 years later? Who knew I would care enough about soccer to let that bleak, mountainous, Slovene-speaking, non-country of former Commies dominate a day of my life in 2010? I blame my wife.

As for Friday, kick-off was set for 10am EST, which meant I'd be at work, I would not be on my couch or at a sports bar, and I would have to do a fantastic acting job to make it seem like I wasn't paying attention to the game and was actually doing work. What did work consist of? Writing a press release about a bedsheets company.

Say it with me: livin' the dream.

Pre-Game- I try not to break a sweat as I trudge across the parking lot in sunny 85-degree heat and humidity. Why wouldn't it be this disgusting outside at 9:45am?

Pre-Game- I fail at not breaking a sweat, but it's OK because I have a large iced coffee and a garlic bagel with cream cheese from Dunkin' Donuts. Don't sleep on the DD; better bagels and cheaper coffee than Starbucks. Sure, I definitely asked for chive cream cheese instead of plain, but I think the girl behind the counter was just looking out for my co-workers with whom I share an office. No one needs that breath at 10am.

Pre-Game- I take control of the office TV through brute force and a well-timed phone call that distracts the remote gatekeeper who says she gets in at 8am. It's the old tree-in-a-forrest riddle: if she says she gets in at 8 and no one else comes in until 9... did she really get in at 8? Yes, this is coming from the guy who strolls in a sweaty, breath-stinky mess at 9:45.

Pre-Game- And we're liiiiiive from South Africa! Couple of shots of U.S. fans in the stands and let me tell you, nothing says "America" like two fat white guys dressed up like Elvis. You're welcome, World.

Pre-Game- Wow, apparently Slovenia only has 2 million people, is roughly the size of Houston, and is the smallest country in the World Cup. Yes, but does that explain their Charlie Brown uniforms?

Pre-Game- Just some stellar names on the Slovenian side of the field. I know I made some ridiculous name/spelling mistakes in the last blog, but you're going to have to forgive me if I make a few mistakes with the Buy-a-Vowel All-Stars.

Pre-Game- We get a look at the U.S. starting line-up and U.S. Coach Bob Bradley has decided to go with Jose Torres over Ricardo Clark. I like the move. Clark was out of position on England's goal from Saturday and Torres is supposed to be a little better at pressing the issue on the offensive end. Of course, this is all based on one game's worth of my own poor analysis.

Pre-Game- Our broadcast team today is Ian Darke on play by play and John Harkes on color commentary. I'm going to miss Martin Tyler, that guy was fantastic. Harkes.... well, he tries hard.

1'- Right off the bat we have a Slovenian player who's apparently going to die from pain. On the replay, we see Clint Dempsey actually caught him in the head with a solid elbow so this might actually be legit pain. His name sounds like Luvanic. Actual spelling: Ljubijankic. I wish I was kidding.

1'- Slovenia's really upset with Dempsey and it's hilarious. They're literally shaking their fingers at him, a la the grown-ups in old Little Rascals movies. I don't know about you, but I'm intimidated.

4'- John Harkes talks about the U.S. "putting balls in the box." I've been told there have been too many "That's what she said" jokes in this blog so I won't write it.... but you know what I'm thinking.

5'- Michael Bradley with a great feed to Robbie Findley streaking down the left side. This just in: Findley is crazy fast. Sets up a corner for the U.S., but they can't get anything out of it.

9'- Good point from Ian Darke about how some really poor goalkeeping helped both the U.S. and Slovenia in the first round. If you haven't seen the soft goal allowed by Algeria's keeper, do yourself a favor and track down the clip online. If not for the goal, watch it for the guy's hair. It's a greenish-blonde dye job on a really small patch of hair at the top of an otherwise shaved head. Hilarious.

9'- Solid defense from Torres and Carlos Bocanegra on a run from the Slovenians. I'm liking Torres more already.

10'- Ian Darke brings up the great run from the U.S. in 2002 and says, "if not for some bad luck against Germany..." To which John Harkes responds, "Bad luck or a handball not called on the line?" Zoom zoom zoom! Harkes has a pulse!

11'- Darke tells us Slovenia was getting 10-1 odds to reach the second round from the bookmakers. Uncle Ian likes to gamble a bit, no?

13'- Darke: "who's showing and who's stretching them in behind." I have no idea what that means, but it's the first legit "That's what she said" of the game. Had to be done. I'm not even sorry.

13'- Valter Birsa has all the time in the world to line up a blast from dead-on center and bends it with a bullet left-footer just inside the right post. Tim Howard never had a chance, cracked rib or not. 1-0 Slovenians and I just had to pretend I was yelling at my Internet connection.

14'- Darke calls the Slovenian coaches "undemonstrative," but the players? Not so much. Are they joking with that dance? Is that supposed to be serious or are they all being sarcastic? Something tells me it's not meant to be funny.

15'- That goal would have never happened if Oguchi Onyewu was still playing.

15'- A chance for the U.S., but a nice play from the Slovenian keeper, Samir Handanovic. Apparently, he's among the best keepers in Europe. Of course he is, he has "hand" in his last name.

17'- Darke tells us, "there's a lot of football left in this yet." Just in case you can't figure out what that running clock thing is at the top of your screen.

18'- Our first communication from my wife who is watching the game alone in the apartment before she gets ready for work: "What the hell was that dance? They look like a bunch of computer programmers."

19'- Darke reminds us of the whole Slovenia-is-the-size-of-Houston bit of trivia and tells us 485 Slovenias could fit into the geographical area of the United States. Great. This is apparently knowledge you must have to properly watch a soccer game.

21'- My wife on that first goal: "That guy could have had a cup of coffee and still scored." I think he should have taken a shower, but that's just a European stereotype coming through.

22'- Harkes: "Why is Novakovic getting free there from Onyewu?" That's a damn good point! A well-struck free kick nearly went in from 35 yards out. Why can't the U.S. wake the heck up?!?!

24'- Darke: "The U.S. has a knack for responding when they get punched in the mouth." Why does it take getting hit to get this team to play well? Aren't these the kinds of team flaws coaches get paid to eliminate?

27'- Darke tells us there are 80,000 Slovenian-Americans in Cleveland who are enjoying the score right now. I knew there was a good reason I hated Cleveland.

29'- My wife on the general appearance of the Slovenian players: "Seriously, every one of them looks like the weird kid from Road Trip." a) which weird kid? and b) whatever happened to Tom Green?

30'- Great hustle play from Tim Howard to get to a carom off of a free kick and send it out of bounds, thereby reducing the Slovenian possession to a throw-in and not a corner kick. Whether it's adrenaline, painkillers or a combination of both, Howard's ribs don't seem to be bothering him too much.

34'- Darke tells us there's "almost a swagger about Slovenia." Yeah, I think having a lead will do that.

37'- Great ball from Torres! Went near post and almost fooled Handanovic, who made a nice save to deflect it out of bounds. Great move starting Torres and not Clark, btw...

39'- One too many passes from the U.S. Findley should have maybe just tried to go it himself instead of feeding Altidore there. "There's a young player without a lot of confidence," says Darke. Agreed. He'll be insanely fun to watch in 2014.

40'- What the hell just happened?!?! Findley just got called for a handball after a corner kick hit him in the face. "One of the stupidest decisions I've ever seen, that," says Darke. Couldn't agree more. Just an awful call. And now Findley's done for the next match because the referee gave him a yellow card and he'd already had one from the England game. Is this guy the only ref? Can't someone overrule him?

41'- Another great chance for the U.S.! Killer cross from Dempsey to Landon Donovan, but Landycakes is just a step slow. It's getting harder and harder to pretend I'm working and not watching this game.

41'- A temperature check from Steve Cherundolo who tries to rip off a shot from Namibia, but it sails high and wide. Thanks for ruining the momentum, you CPA.

42'- Goal for Slovenia. Wow, that really escalated quickly. Zlatan Ljubijankic seems to have recovered from that Dempsey elbow to the face pretty nicely. Crap.

45'- The missus' take on the Findley handball travesty: "It's like getting punched in the face and then getting arrested for getting punched in the face." How come people think soccer is so difficult to understand?

46'- "The only change that needs to happen is a change in attitude for the U.S." Another great point from John Harkes. Where the hell did this guy come from?

46'- We get two minutes of stoppage time, but we deserve more than that. The Slovenians wasted at least that much time dancing, pointing, and being shaking their fingers.

HALFTIME- My friend, Bobo, said he was happy with the U.S. defense in the England game. I just sent him an ease-the-tension text to see if he was still satisfied with the defense and he responded with, "yes, I'm still satisfied with the defense in the England game. It's a different game, fuckface." Well then. Middleschool insults and sarcasm. I don't think he's taking this well.

HALFTIME- Alexi Lalas sounds like he's going to cry. "It's the basics. It's the simple basics." Seriously, "hustle" is about as basic as it gets.

HALFTIME- Ok, we get it. Slovenia is a small country. I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who even says the word "Houston." "Hey Farva, what's the name of that city in Texas with the airport named after President Bush?" "What, you mean Houston? You guys are talking about Houston, right?"

48'- GOOOOOOOOOOOALLLL! The U.S. is on the board, and this time it's a "legit" goal. More importantly, Donovan is alive!!! Couldn't have come at a better time for the U.S., and it's exactly what Landycakes needed after a lackluster and frustrating first game against England. Ok boys, 42 minutes to get the equalizer.

48'- If you check out the replays, that was basically a kick-off from three yards out. Landy ripped that one right at the keeper's head and just dared him to get in the way. And from a nearly impossible angle, too. Wow.

49'- "Finally!!! That was a goal with an exclamation point on the end of it. Thank God," says the missus.

49'- "It was a tracer bullet, John," says Darke. I know, Ian, my wife just said that.

50'- Have the Slovenians started trying to stall already? One of their players is apparently "receiving treatment" on the field, but it looks like they're just spraying his jersey with an aeresol can. How is that treatment? Couldn't this be done off the playing field?!?

51'- Gooch and Dempsey both had a chance off of a well-placed, well-struck Donovan free kick. They just couldn't get into position in time. Sidenote: Landycakes is locked in right now.

55'- A little respect for a Slovenian player (Novakovic) who was just streaking down the left sideline and didn't fake a broken leg when U.S. defender Jay DeMerit came over with a clean slide to knock the ball away. Novakovic just jumped over the slide and kept running. It's disappointing how rare this is in men's soccer, but whatever, I'll take it.

57'- Man, I hope Andraz Kirm didn't have a family because he's apparently in the throes of a painful death on the field. He's grabbing his face like he's been shot. By the way he's acting, he's circling the drain as we speak. Too bad. ESPN should probably cut to commercial because no one wants to see someone pass away on live TV. What's that? He's fine? Oh good, I was worried there for a second.

63'- Harkes: "I'm not sure what the ref is looking at there." That's in reference to another head-scratcher of a call from our Malian referee. I've done a complete 180 on Harkes. He's been dead on today.

69'- Slovenia's Suler gets a yellow card for a hard takedown on Altidore. That looked beyond intentional and Landycakes and I are both pleading for a red card. Or am I pleading for my computer to stop being so slow so I can finish this press release? That's the thing, if you're not in the room with me, you just don't know.

70'- Landy lines up for a free kick from a little more than 20 yards out. He kind of just drills it into the pack of players and all Altidore can do is try to send in a half-hearted rebound that just hits Handanovic in the chest. Weird decision from Landycakes.

72'- Kirn gets a yellow card (no, not that Yellowcard) for a takedown of Cherundolo. Is it me or are the Slovenians getting a little handsy?

74'- My wife isn't handling this well. "P.S. I've bitten off all my nails and feel like I might barf." Good to know.

75'- Where's the foul there!?!? Altidore is just getting manhandled. "There's been more than one slightly bizzare decision from the refs today," says Darke. I'll admit it, I always feel better when the play-by-play guy validates what I'm thinking by saying it on the air.

75'- Another card for Slovenia! If this were an NBA game, would the U.S. be shooting a 1-and-1 right now? This is ridiculous.

79'- Benny Feilharber is just trying to do too much for the U.S. He's a turnover machine right now. He's also apparently a huge Jordin Sparks fan. Yep, this man is representing our country.

81'- Herculez Gomez substitutes on for Gooch. Honestly, that should have happened a while ago. Gooch just doesn't seem to be 100% healthy and Gomez looks small and quick. Like a monkey. Like he's helped Aladdin steal an apple once or twice before. It's hilarious to me that the guy named "Herculez" is probably the smallest, most malnourished looking guy on the field.

82'- Michael Bradley!!!! GOOOOOOOOAAALLLLL! Sweet mercy, what a play! We're tied up and Bradley is being pigpiled over in the corner of the field by everyone from the U.S. bench. Can the U.S. actually win this thing?!?!

82'- Here's some killer analysis from my wife: "YYeeseesesesee! Gdhfhfrfhr." Either she's excited or a vuvuzela has attacked her and stolen her phone.

83'- Just saw a replay and don't get me wrong, Bradley made a great play just getting to the ball and controlling it enough off of the bounce to keep it from clearing the crossbar, but Altidore's header was ridiculous. Great body control, great elevation, and he put it where Bradley could make a play. Amazing.

85'- That's a foul! Altidore in the middle of it again, this time drawing a foul from the Slovenians. Free kick coming from Donovan. How about no more of that drill-it-into-the-pack-and-hope-for-a-rebound stuff this time?

86'- GOOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL! Maurice Edu! (no relation to Freddy) What a ball from Donovan, just great placement.

86'- Wait, what? The goal's been disallowed by the Malian ref. But why? What's the call there? Offsides? A foul? Who was it on? Seriously, what's the call? Wait! What's the f-ing call?!?!?!?

87'- I've seen a couple of replays and can't see anything but Slovenian players bear-hugging Bradley and tackling Dempsey. There's no offsides and Edu got through clean. What the hell is going on?!?!

87'- I'm really mad at this press release right now.

87'- Here's Ian Darke talking about what he sees in the replay: "I see something. I see Michael Bradley being fouled and that should be a penalty kick. The referee has had a bit of a nightmare here and I can say that as a neutral Englishman." 'Twas nicely put, that. Nicely put, indeed, Mr. Darke.

88'- Great passing from Slovenia leads to a solid chance with a header, but Tim Howard comes up with another big stop. The U.S. can't feel too sorry for itself here or they could let up another goal.

94'- "I think the referee has blown the final whistle here, it's not exactly clear," says Ian Darke. The referee can't even do that correctly; pretty much sums up his performance perfectly.

94'- "I don't think the referee was good enough, that's an honest assessment," says Darke. Couldn't agree more. Aren't these supposed to be the best referees in the world? How the hell did this guy make the cut?

Post-Game- "Why does this team need to get punched in the nose, in this occasion twice, to wake up?" wonders ESPN's Bob Ley. My answer to that would be coaching, but I'm new to the U.S. soccer bandwagon.

Post-Game- Say what you want about Alexi Lalas (I have and I will), but he's right on with his assessment of Jozy Altidore. Lalas is thanking Altidore for waking up and playing hard. Nearly a completely different effort from Altidore than what we saw against England.

Post-Game- Jeremy Schaap (ugghh..) is interviewing Bob Bradley on the field. Bradley has this to say about the U.S.'s third goal: "A lot of emotion went into the second half. Still don't know why the goal was disallowed. They're (his players) still wondering what the call was. No one knows at this moment." Awkward interview. Let me put it to you this way: Bradley looks like Schaap sounds (if that makes sense).

Taking a quick spin around Facebook at my text message inbox, and it's clear Bradley isn't the only one wondering what the hell just happened.

"It's unreal. Instead of celebrating an epic comeback for a draw, I'm in a state of anger and bewilderment rarely before reached." - Bobo.

"3-2 Draw?" - My little brother

"Daylight Robbery" - a former co-worker.

"Jim Joyce is off the hook." - Bobo, again.

I've had a day or so to absorb what happened to the U.S. team and have done enough research to figure out just how damaging that referee mistake could be. Basically, if the referee had made the correct no-call on the Donovan free kick, the U.S. would most likely be celebrating a win and would have 4 points and a +1 goal differential. That means they could probably even tie Algeria Wednesday morning and still advance to the next round. Bob Bradley could maybe try to rest Onyewu and the U.S. would be that much sharper for the next round.

But a referee made an unconcionable call and now none of that is possible.

Instead, the U.S. has to win to guarantee a spot in the next round. That's the most clear-cut scenario there is. If Bradley's Boys draw with Algeria, they'll need a lot of help (from Slovenia) to advance to the second round. Lose and they can head straight to the airport from the stadium.

The "Jim Joyce is off the hook" text message I got from one of my oldest and most soccer-crazed fans made me think about what a wasted opportunity this was for FIFA to not only do the right thing, but maybe even give the sport of soccer a better chance to grow in the United States. Think about it. If you're on the fence about soccer or if you have a Randy Jackson-style "soccer's just alright for me, dawg" relationship with the most popular sport in the world, did what happened Friday make you any more likely to embrace the game? I say no. If anything, an incorrect, shady, borderline-criminal call made even more infuriating by a complete lack of explanation could sour potential fans for a long time.

Back to the "Jim Joyce" comparison. The similarities between Joyce's incorrect call that ruined a perfect game by Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga and Koman Coulibaly's incorrect call that ruined the U.S.'s historic comeback win end at the fundamental fact they were both blown calls. Joyce came into the Galarraga game with more than 20 years of experience and is one of the best, most-respected umpires in Major League Baseball. Coulibaly, on the other hand, was refereeing his first World Cup game and has a day job as a lazy-eyed (not making that up, it's true; his nickname is apparently "Sleepy Eyes") accountant with the Mali government.

But the most noticeable difference between these two latest examples of horrendous errors in judgement in historic circumstances is in how the two officials handled their mistakes. Joyce asked to watch a replay of his call then, knowing for certain he had made a mistake, went to meet with Galarraga and Tigers manager Jim Leyland to apologize. He even went a step further to open up the umpire's dressing room (something that rarely happens) to the media so he could face the music, answer questions, and apologize to the fans. He handled things so well from a damage control standpoint that when we was introduced as the home plate umpire for the next day's game, he got a loud round of applause from the fans. In Detroit!

Coulibaly, on the other hand, hasn't said a thing.

Not to the players, not to the coaches, not to the media; not to anyone. How is it possible that the people who participated in the game don't even know the call that robbed them of a win in the World freaking Cup?!? How can this possibly happen? I understand language barriers and the translation difficulties (Coulibaly is from Mali, which, if my 10th grade geography knowledge is correct, is nowhere close to the United States or Slovenia), but the radio silence from FIFA is borderline offensive.

If Coulibaly called a foul, tell us who it was on. If he called offsides, then just say so. If a mistake was made, if the replays show the only fouls were being committed by the Slovenians, if no U.S. player was offside... basically, if FIFA sees what everyone with a television and functioning brain sees, then admit it. Apologize. Bench the ref for the rest of the World Cup, say you'll try to do better, and we can move on to Wednesday against Algeria.

Right now, the worst case scenario for U.S.A. soccer is playing out before their eyes. A notoriously slow-starting team will play a win-or-go-home match halfway around the world with the distraction of an international injustice fresh in their heads, all while so-so fans here in the U.S. jump off the soccer bandwagon because of the "ties," because of the faking injuries, and because a referee from a country most of them couldn't find on a map just stole a win from the U.S. and ruined what had been the most exciting soccer game they'd ever seen.

Someone has to say something before Wednesday.

Someone needs to apologize before it's too late.

Getting Up for the Let Down

2010-06-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

Saturday was the first real test of my marriage.

It wasn't another man, another woman or a forgotten anniversary/birthday/holiday. We both had to work at 2pm, which unless you were living under a rock, you knew was the precise time the U.S.A.-England World Cup coverage started. Instead of crowding into a packed (air-conditioned) sports bar, eating awesome (fried) food, and drinking (American) beers and shots, I'd be working a job I don't like with an annoying co-worker completely and utterly devoid of anything that could be considered a normal social interaction ability.

Isn't life awesome sometimes?

Instead of calling in sick or taking a day off (a wedding and honeymoon has pretty much submarined our vacation plans for, oh, the next year), we were going to attempt the impossible: make it through eight hours of work without hearing a thing about the U.S.-England game. For me, that meant no cell phone, no email, no Internet, no Facebook, no radio, no TV, and avoiding the TVs in the sports bar next to the comedy club where I'd be hosting that night (Have I mentioned I mess around with stand-up comedy? I've literally made dozens of people laugh). It may be tough, but it's nothing an iPod and a pair of headphones couldn't take care of.

But if I faced an uphill battle, my wife (the TV news reporter) was trying to scale a mountain.

In a TV newsroom, you can't avoid the news. You just can't. It's like trying to avoid groceries in a grocery store. There are newswires streaming across your computer, dozens of TVs at various volume levels blasting out the top stories of the day, and even well-informed co-workers who have hopped aboard the World Cup bandwagon.

When you think about it, why wouldn't this be the biggest story of the weekend? The best U.S. soccer team in recent memory taking on a top-ten team representing a country we've beaten twice in battle (Revolutionary War and the War of 1812) and saved twice more (World Wars I and II)? Where do I sign?

My wife somehow made it through the eye wall of the multimedia hurricane and the seven paying customers at Coconuts Comedy Club in Brandon weren't much for soccer so we completed our mission impossible. And so it was that at 10pm on Saturday, a full seven-and-a-half hours after kick-off and four-and-a-half hours after it was over... my wife and I sat down with our own makeshift soccer spread (onion rings, chicken wings, mozzarella sticks, garlic bread, a medium pizza, Aunt Bea's sweet tea vodka and 7-Up, bloody mary mix and Absolut Peppar, and Sam Adams Summer Ale) and I started taking notes for what would hopefully be the first of many replay articles of the U.S.A.'s 2010 World Cup run.

Pre-Game- ABC's in-studio crew is really interesting. Alexi Lalas, Ruut Gullit and.... Chris Fowler. Wow. Is there any sport this guy can't cover?

Pre-Game- Our first shot of England's Wayne Rooney as he warms up on the field. First gem from the missus, "Rooney... he's not a good-looking guy..."

Pre-Game- Cool montage of African sights and sounds that culminates in a shot of a kid holding up the World Cup trophy. My wife just teared up, but I'm not quite there yet.

Pre-Game- I just made a stupid joke about what kind of shots they'd use in a U.S. montage if the World Cup ever made it back here. My wife: "so are you going to do this the whole time?" I think she's talking about the game, but she miiiiiight be talking about our marriage.

Pre-Game- Apparently, "set pieces" are going to be important today. I'd agree... if I knew what those were.

Pre-Game- Ruut Gullit starts talking. Might want to avoid that. My wife: "I don't know who he is." She's not alone. (sidenote: Fowler's going with a skinny tie.... why is this popular? I thought that died in the '80s so why are we bringing it back? We leave mistakes like that behind. It's called "progress.")

Pre-Game- Steve McManaman is providing some on-site analysis with Mike Tirico. I'd be OK if their microphones weren't plugged into anything. McManaman predicts a comfortable win for the Brits.

Pre-Game- Jeremy Schaap is here to give us some on-field insights. I'd be OK if he didn't make the flight back. Oh, and live reporting? Not Schaap's strongest suit.

Pre-Game- We finally have the U.S.A.'s starting line-up and my wife broke it down like this, "Gooch is starting. That's good because it means Bocanegra can stay outside." This is apparently a good thing; I wouldn't know. Oh, and I've never felt more emasculated than I do right now.

Pre-Game- A quick interview with Bob Bradley who looks like either Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter movies or the monster from Alien. I'm going with He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.

Pre-Game- Alexi Lalas talking about the U.S. substitution patterns: "I like to bring guys on." That's what she said.

Pre-Game- Our first Rooney feature. That dude has "drunk and disorderly" written all over him.

Pre-Game- The new Nike 'Write the Future' commercial has to be the best sports commercial since.... fill in the blank. Since the Nike synchronized dribbling commercials? Since Office Linebacker Terry Tate? Since Be Like Mike?

Pre-Game- A couple of quick highlights from Argentina's 1-0 win over Nigeria. A friend of mine from high school has the following to say about Argentine coach Diego Maradona, "Argentina's coach looks like the most corrupt person on the planet." I'd say that about sums it up.

Pre-Game- Highlights of Korea's beatdown against Greece. Wow, that was bad. A World Cup blowout and single-handedly bringing down the global economy? Solid 2010 so far for Greece.

Pre-Game- Another shot of Rooney and we find out he's apparently 24. Really?!?! To quote Scrubs, He must have spent more than half of those years smoking, drinking, and sleeping on his face. Oh, and he's going through some full-on baldness. Other than that... just your average 24-year-old.

Pre-Game- McManaman calls Rooney "all natural." Ummmmm.... Ok?

Pre-Game- The missus, talking about Oguchi Onyewu, "he's huge, that's why he's so important in the back." That's what she said, pt. 2.

Pre-Game- Lalas like the fact Bob Bradley likes soccer. That has to be one of the first questions on the U.S. national team head coach job application.

Pre-Game- Interesting. Apparently, John Terry was England's team captain until he was stripped of his "C" because of what Tirico calls an "internal scandal." Upon further review: Terry slept with a woman who was not his wife, impregnated her, and pressured her into getting an abortion. Oh, and that woman just happened to be the girlfriend of one of his teammates, Wayne Bridge. I'd say that qualifies as an "internal scandal." The fact he's still on the national team shows you just how seriously the Brits take soccer.

Pre-Game- Tirico has one of those vuvuzela horns the fans have that make every game sound like a hornet's nest. He demonstrates what they sound like and it's not annoying at all.

Pre-Game- Martin Tyler on play by play, and John Harkes on color commentary. First interesting stat of the day: the U.S. is 0-15-2 when their opponents score first. Apparently... we don't handle adversity well.

Pre-Game- Ruut predicts a 1-1 draw, Lalas predicts a 2-1 U.S. win, and McManaman says it'll be 3-1 England. I've decided I don't like McManaman.

Pre-Game- Shot of the players in the tunnel getting ready to take the field (pitch). They're being escorted by children in soccer uniforms and the Americans are talking to the kids, while the Brits give the kids the silent treatment. I'm just sayin'...

Pre-Game- The U.S. was late to one of its practices because of an elephant in the road. To be fair... that could totally happen here, too.

Pre-Game- "England's coach looks like a jerk." Agreed. My wife really wants that game MVP award. She's right. Fabio Capello looks like the mean father of the stud quarterback on Dillon High's football team in Friday Night Lights. His eyeglasses probably cost more than my car.

Pre-Game- Really? We have a player named Demerit? That can't be good.

Pre-Game- Then again, England has a player named Ashley.

4'- Well.... that didn't take long. Some sloppy defense from Gooch and Ricardo Clark leads to a far-too-easy goal off of the right foot of England's Steven Gerrard. Great passing and bad defense is a bad combination. Hawkes says you "never want to concede early." Oh, you don't? Thanks for that pearl of wisdom.

7'- The U.S. has a defender named Steve Cherundolo, who looks like an accountant. Why are so many U.S. soccer players going bald?

9'- "It's important to see how the U.S. responds to the goal." I'm really glad John Harkes is here.

10'- Another solid stat: the team that scores first in World Cup games wins 70% of the time. No bueno.

11'- This just in: Robbie Findley is crazy fast. He just beat Gerrard badly, but couldn't do anything to capitalize. He also might be 18 years old.

13'- Three corners in a row for the U.S., and it's all because of what Martin Tyler calls "penetrating play" from the Americans. If you're keeping score at home, we're up to three That's What She Saids.

15'- After an awful play from Dempsey and Demerit on the third corner kick, Hawkes says the U.S. needs to "stick it into the danger area... stick it in the middle." That's four!

17'- Our announcers note that Rooney hasn't been too involved thus far. Apparently, they ran out of pudding at his assisted living facility so he might be kind of distracted.

19'- Great chance for Altidore on a great ball from Donovan, but he can't convert. I have a feeling I'll be typing that a lot.

19'- One of England's strikers tries a lame bicycle kick that U.S. goalkeeper Tim Howard catches easily. Do people still try bicycle kicks? I thought only kids did that.

21'- One small difference between watching the game with my wife and watching it in a bar: A quick timeout to wash our dishes and put them in the dishwasher. To be fair, we totally did the same thing when I was in college.

25'- England's James Milner gets a yellow card for a foul on Cherundolo. Apparently.... Milner didn't get his taxes in on time this year.

27'- Shot of Bob Bradley on the sidelines after a missed Gooch header. Voldemort is not pleased.

29'- Ouch! Great block from Tim Howard on a dangerous pass into the middle, but Howard took a cleat to the ribs for his trouble. My wife calls it a '50-50 ball,' but it looked like a dirty play to me. This is where I'd like to see soccer be a little more like hockey. If someone put a skate into the chest of a hockey goalie, someone's getting in a fight.

29'- Quick replay of Demerit pulling on Terry's jersey while he was playing a little defense. After what Terry's done.... I'll allow it.

34'- This international World Cup advertising is starting to work on me. I don't know what 'Mahindra Satyam' is, but I want some.

39'- GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!?!? Did Robert Dempsey put some weird sort of spin on the ball? It looked like it hit English goalkeeper Robert Green in the chest but it found the back of the net anyway. How did that happen? Who cares, it's time for shots of the sweet tea vodka to celebrate.

39'- After a couple of replays, it's clear to see that may have been the worst goal I've ever seen. Robert Green should probably duck out at halftime. He may want to just go into hiding right now. Sweet mercy, I could have made that stop... when I was 15... and I was on crutches. Don't get me wrong, I'll take it. After what happened with Italy in 2006, the U.S. deserves a little luck.

41'- Howard's pissed. Lazy, borderline celebratory defense from the U.S. almost led to an easy goal for the Brits. I don't know much about Howard, but I know enough to say I would not want him mad at me.

43'- England's Emile Heskey is down and appears to have been shot. This is one of my least favorite parts of soccer, the flopping. My wife swears this doesn't happen in women's soccer. I just think it doesn't happen in America, period. Of course, I could be wrong. I am, in fact, basing this on nothing.

46'- Yellow card for Jay Demerit for an obvious handball. It leads my wife to ask, "why would you do that?!?! Who do you think you are, Maradona?" I'm no soccer fan, but even I know that's a good one. She's killing me in the witty comment department.

50'- A quick flash of what makes Wayne Rooney so good. Great body control, maximum effort at all times, and he's deceptively athletic for a guy who's been tending bar since the Vietnam War.

52'- (sigh of relief) Great opportunity for Heskey, but he tried to kick it through Howard's chest. When will the U.S. start playing some real defense? Howard may kill someone on the bus ride back to the team hotel.

60'- Yellow card for England's Jamie Carragher after a Cobra Kai, 'sweep the leg' move on Robbie Findley. I'm now convinced I'd break both of my ankles within 7.5 minutes of trying to play competitive soccer.

61'- Yellow card for England's Steven Gerrard after a high kick in the general vicinity of Dempsey's face. I'm not saying they play dirty, but I mean, that's two yellow cards for the English in the last two minutes.

63'- England's Glen Johnson with a chance, but his left-footer goes wide. Great question from Martin Tyler, "who's marking Johnson?" Um... that would be no one.

65'- Great run from Altidore. Great speed, great moves, but his shot goes off the post? Off of Robert Green? How about both. Dammit, that would have been amazing. We'd have absolutely annoyed our neighbors. "It's ok, we're just watching the U.S.-England game.... yes, the one that ended 8 hours ago."

66'- Glen Johnson still has a bloody lip. It's been bleeding since he stepped on the field and the refs are just now noticing. Sure, now they're concerned about blood safety in Africa....

70'- A quick close-up of Heskey's face. Do you think his grandkids and Rooney's grandkids go to the same school?

71'- Rooney had a great chance on a header, but it turns out the one thing he can't do is jump. Way to live up to the stereotype, Wayne.

72'- The English fans are singing "God Save the Queen" and it's finally loud enough to drown out those damn horns. I'll say it: that's a quality anthem.

75'- Rooney! Great opportunity, solid shot, but put it just wide. Sidenote: my wife is getting annoyed by my Ferris Bueller-style "Rooney! I want my daughter out front of that school in 10 minutes!" jokes. She will quickly learn, I only have 5 jokes.

76'- Here's how the next few minutes go: Rooney to Shaun Wright-Phillips... Howard save. Rooney off of a corner kick... Howard save. Can we get this man some help?!?!?

78'- Johnson's lip is still bleeding. It's just annoying at this point.

79'- Peter Crouch on for the Brits, replacing Heskey. Picture every British teeth stereotype you've ever heard and slap it on a 6' 6", 100-pound frame and you have Peter Crouch. Hiiiiilarious. The English say they invented soccer, but I'll take our progress in dentistry every day of the week.

82'- I think I hear a "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" chant in the stands, but I can't be sure because Crouch's teeth are dominating all of my sensory perception.

84'- Somehow, England had a 4-on-2, but Gooch sniffed it out and stopped it. The U.S. knows the game isn't over yet, right?

86'- Stuart Holden on for Jozy Altidore. Holden looks like he's 12, his father recently passed away from cancer, and he's part Scottish. He is now my favorite soccer player.

89'- We have a Landon Donovan sighting. He just tried a shot from about 90 feet away and sailed it wide over the crossbar. Thanks for coming out, Landycakes.

90'- We have four minutes of stoppage time. I need this game to be over. If the U.S. lets up a goal now, I'll definitely wake the neighbors.

93'- I'm starting to like this Martin Tyler fella. "Crouch is awkward." Tyler just says what we're all thinking. Crouch looks like a baby giraffe just learning to walk.

94'- Annnnnnnnd..... exhale.

The U.S. just tied the best team in its group in their first World Cup match, I'm feeling great from the drinks and the food... so why not start an argument with my soccer-loving wife? I said the concept of a draw was one of my least favorite things about soccer and she said that was "such an American thing to say." (that's probably because I was born and raised... in America). I try to explain to her how frustrating it is to be so excited about a game, to plan and scheme a way to be cut off from the world enough to not find out the score, to buy a bunch of food and drink, and take a bunch of notes... only to have it all end without a black-and-white result. No winner and no loser. I just kind of feel let down, I guess. My wife, on the other hand, thinks I'm a moron. She's excited and she thinks it puts the U.S. in great shape to move on to the quarterfinals. I'm not really understanding this until she asks me an outstanding question that puts me in my place:

Would you have been happier if they'd lost?

The answer, of course, is no.

Maybe I am starting to understand soccer a little more.

Hype Not, Lest Ye Be Hyped

2010-06-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

Stephen Strasburg has already done something Randy Johnson, he of the 303 career wins, 4,875 career strikeouts and a standing reservation in Cooperstown, couldn't do.

He's sold out Nationals Park.

Last year, Johnson and the San Francisco Giants came into a new stadium in one of the greatest sports cities in the country as he was chasing a hallowed baseball milestone: his 300th career win. The Big Unit was going up against a weak Washington line-up so it was a pretty safe bet that as long as RJ didn't hurt his knee getting off of the team bus, he would get that 300th win... and literally dozens of people showed up to watch him do it.

Tuesday night, the sold-out masses at Nationals Park will make Johnson's crowd look like a PTA meeting. And why should that be the case? Strasburg has 0 career wins, 0 career strikeouts, and he can only get into Cooperstown with a ticket.

That all changes Tuesday night.

Even if it's only for a day, Stephen Strasburg has changed the perception of baseball in Washington, D.C. On Tuesday in D.C., baseball is king. Think about it. The nation's capital is a football town. Major league baseball teams have come and gone (to Minnesota) and come... and gone, again (to Texas), basketball teams have changed names, and as my friend Rainey pointed out, a four-time MLS Cup winning soccer club can't even get funding to see if a new stadium is a good idea. Why is that? Because the Redskins have always been top dog. Listen to me when I say this: Tuesday, Donovan McNabb could head-butt Mike Shanahan in the parking lot of Redskins Park out in Ashburn in front of a dozen or so media members and it wouldn't just be the second biggest story in sports that day, it would be the second-biggest story in the D.C. area. It doesn't matter what happens; Tuesday is all about the Nationals.

Here's a question: When was the last time we could say that?

(Hint: never.)

Here's another question: What the heck does a Nationals Park sell out look like? I know what a shut out looks like (goodness knows there have been a lot of them already), but not a June sell-out. ESPN begins its live coverage of the game in early afternoon. The notoriously tight-fisted four-letter network is paying extra broadcasting fees to claim the rights to a Pirates-Nationals game on a Tuesday night. Are you serious?!?!

All this Strasburg excitement gets a little complicated when you realize the biggest threat to the young phenom is the excitement itself. What does that mean? It means here's what you can safely expect from Strasburg the rest of the season: 15 starts (he'll be on a strict innings count and probably wouldn't even pitch in the post-season if the suddenly fading Nats even made it), an ERA right around 4, and right around 100 strikeouts. Maybe he wins 7 games. I'm not trying to be a wet blanket; I'm just being realistic. You know whose numbers those projections look like? Tim Lincecum's.

Timmy Franchise (or 'Big Time Timmy Jim,' depending on which SportsCenter commercial you happen to catch) was called up in 2007, made 24 starts and went 7-5 with a 4.00 ERA and 150 strikeouts. The Giants watched his innings, kept an eye on his unorthodox delivery, and tried not to push him to do too much, too soon. All BTTJ's done since is win consecutive Cy Young Awards.

Of course, that's the best case scenario. Ask any Cubs fan what the opposite end of that Can't-Miss-Stud spectrum looks like.

Stop me if you've heard this before: a smart, workout freak of a pitcher with flawless mechanics and a rocket for an arm gets taken at or near the top of the amateur draft. He'll never get hurt because he's a gym rat and his throwing motion is so fluid.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mark Prior.

I was at Wrigley Field for Prior's first start against the Pirates in 2002, and even though he wasn't dominant, the #2 overall pick in the 2001 draft pitched well enough to get the win. I think he may have even picked up a base hit at the plate. The atmosphere at that May game (nearly a full month before Strasburg's debut, btw) was amazing. The fans knew they had something special on their hands. Finally some help for Kerry Wood (another cautionary tale) to help make a run at a pennant (you don't need to remind Cubs fans Prior started the Bartman game in the 2003 NLCS). The wheels fell off after that '03 season. Injury after injury has plagued Prior's career and most fans would be surprised to hear the former can't miss phenom is now in the Padres system working on a comeback.

My point is just for Nats fans not to get their hopes up. Fans who are old enough to remember Ben McDonald up in Baltimore know just how dangerous hype can be. What D.C. baseball fans need to do is enjoy Tuesday. That's it. Enjoy the talk on the Metro on the way in, enjoy the atmosphere in the sold-out ballpark, and enjoy the meteor shower of flashbulbs that will no doubt make D.C. feel like a baseball town on a hot and humid night in early June.

Soak it in because Tuesday is all we're guaranteed with Stephen Strasburg.

Get ready for the bandwagon Nats fans because they'll be out in full force Tuesday. They'll be more plentiful than the actual gnats falling from the lights and raining down on the folks in the 400-section. People who've never been to a game or who never knew about the new stadium will ask you what you think and tell you they're rooting for that "Stroseburg" guy. You'll look at them and smile and just hope they'll still be around in September.

Who knows?

Maybe Strasburg will be just enough to make sure the Nationals will be, too.

We Have to Go Back!

2010-05-24T00:13:00.000-07:00

I explained in my earlier post why LOST is one of my favorite shows (when we were dating, my wife and I used to turn the lights out in the apartment, light candles, and camp out on the floor to watch Seasons One and Two.... I'll understand if you don't want to keep reading), and I very weakly explained why I wanted to do a running recap of the final episode. I'll be honest, though, and say I've never done one of these for a TV show. I've only done them for games so I'm not really sure how to do the whole 'time code' thing. Hopefully it'll be easy enough to piece together.

Hopefully this won't be another Sopranos situation where the finale just ends up being more of a frustration than a celebration.

Hopefully.

Light the candles!

*"Previously, on LOST....." You know how some things can change the way you think about or say certain words? For instance, Jersey Shore has ruined the word "situation" for me. LOST, on the other hand, has made it so I sound like I'm trying to do a James Earl Jones impression every time I say "previously."

*Ah, the musical montage. No words, just that slow, sad LOST music. I'm going to miss this. I can't think of another show that's done the explanation musical montage better than LOST did. The Sopranos did it, too, but not as well, in my opinion. They're bringing the casket out and showing you how some of the passengers' lives are different in the flash sideways.

*I'll say it: Desmond's "brother" is the best since Hulk Hogan's.

*Sawyer tells Jack he's going to go get the "magic leprechaun" out of the well. Hey redneck, Desmond is Scottish, not Irish. Why does this bother me? Because I hate Sawyer. Ever since they neutered him before Season 5, he's just about been my least favorite character.

*Hey, look at that! Another lame line for Hurley: "I got a bad feeling about this." Oh really, doctor? You think so?

*Hurley bounces back with one of his best acting moments on the show when he smiles at Charlie in the doorway of the hotel in the flash sideways. His other best moment? Talking to Libby's grave when she died in Season Two. His worst acting moments? Just about everything else.

*We have a Vincent sighting! And would you look at that, he's been cared for all this time by Rose and Bernard (sidenote: I can't look at the actor playing Bernard the same way when I see him in other things. He plays a gynecologist obsessed with the Fonz in a Friends episode and I can't take him seriously. What's that you say? It's just a TV show?). Rose and Bernard tell Desmond he needs to keep moving because they want to stay neutral. The black and white cookie of the island wants to stay Switzerland? Move along, brother.

*Locke makes Bernard lead him back to Desmond. Desmond tells Locke he'll go with him and do whatever he wants, and Locke tells him, "yes, you will do what I want." Ummm... guy? That's what he just said. That's such a b.s. middle management power flex technique. That, and "what I'm going to have you do is...." I hate that. Such an Office Space move.

*Nice to see Sun and Jin again. It was a full-on teary episode the last time we saw them (drowning on the submarine, in case you forgot/have no soul).

*Boooo... Juliette is back. Never liked her. Never liked the actress who played her. What don't I like about her? Her face. That's pretty much it. She's been to the Meg Ryan school of too much plastic surgery. Starting to look like the Joker. Other than that... sweet girl.

*We have our first "dusty" moment as Jin and Sun "see" their past on the island for the first time. Man, they've had a ton of emotional scenes on this show (baby being born, visiting Jin's grave, the boat explosion, the reunion, the submarine, etc.). In our first overreaction of the night, I declare them my favorite characters on the show.

*In our first retraction of an overreaction.... I was wrong. It's definitely Desmond.

*Richard Alpert just got his first gray hair. And he's only 317 years old! Sure, I got mine when I was 18, but whatever. Life's not fair.

*Lapides survived the submarine explosion. Kinda saw that one coming. You had to think if that plane was going to be involved in any sort of escape, Lapides would have to be the one flying it. Later this year, he's going to be in a movie called Machete, which looks incredible. That and surviving a submarine explosion... good year for Lapides.

*"You're sort of an obvious choice," Locke says to Jack. Good point. Jack was kind of the obvious choice to take over as the new Jacob. Maybe that's the twist... there is no twist. Ok, now I'm one of those annoying fans. Dammit, LOST!

*"I believe in you, dude," Hurley says to Jack. Another solid performance from Hurley.

*We have a Boone and Shannon sighting. I'd kinda forgotten about the Sayid-Shannon love connection. Kinda cool how they gave us that reminder. Must have sucked for Boone, though. He has to get his ass kicked, then watch his sister (who he was in love with) make out with Sayid (who he didn't really trust/like). Other than that, great to see you, Hurley.

*I'll say it: I don't ever want to see the actor who plays Daniel Farraday ever again. His face, his beard, his voice... all annoying.

*If this were a boxing match, I'd be screaming, "LOCKE IS CUT!!!" Wow. Ok, so Desmond removes the penis shaped rock from the center of that pool, extinguishes the light, causes a bunch of earthquakes, but now both Locke and Jack can be hurt. Sounds simple enough.

*Back in the sideways flash, we have another "dusty" moment. Despite his eyeliner, Charlie "sees" his island past with Claire after she gives birth to Aaron. I may not have liked them as individual characters, but I liked them together. What's that? Turn in my man card? Will do.

*My random thoughts during the Jack-Locke fight on the cliffs: Of course Locke would fight dirty with the knife... Sleeper hold!... Someone shoot Locke!... Kate!....There's your saved bullet! I'm proud to say I only said half of those out loud.

*Obvious symbolism: Jack kicks Locke over the cliff the same way Locke kicked Jacob into the fire. I know some stuff.

*Annnnnnd... likable Locke is back. He can "see" his island past when he wiggles his toe in the flash sideways. Kind of a Kill Bill moment, but I'll take it.

*Jack and Sawyer have a nice moment when Jack says he'll go and save the island and Sawyer says he'll go and do whatever the hell he can to save himself. Have I mentioned I don't like Sawyer?

*Hugo will stick with Jack... more because of obesity than loyalty. "Are you kidding? I'm not going down that ladder."

*Juliette and Sawyer have a moment where they both "see" their island past as they flirt over a candy bar. You know what I see? Weird dimples, creepy smiles, and dirty stringy hair. That's what I see. Seriously though Juliette, good to have you back.

*Jack names Hurley his successor. As long as there isn't any physical activity involved with protecting the island... that's a great move.

*Jack has a gaping knife wound, but he manages to save Desmond. Tries to pull off a "brother" line of his own, but it doesn't work.

*Jack puts the penis rock back in the hole in light source cave and nothing happens. This finale could have definitely been an hour and a half.

*If you had Miles, Richard, Claire, Kate, Sawyer and Lapides in your "Survivor by Plane" pool, you're not only a big winner... you're also a damn liar.

*Meanwhile, back in hell... Jack's plan has apparently worked and we see a bunch of water start to flow into the pool he's lying in. After all that, is he going to drown for his trouble?

*Ok, we know all the passengers in the flash sideways aren't going to the concert; they're apparently going to a church. Ben apologizes to Locke. Locke forgives him. Pretty much put a bow on Ben.

*JACK'S ALIVE?!?! He's apparently survived the near drowning in the pool and ended up on the same riverbank the Man In Black did when Jacob threw him into the same light pool. Ok....

*Back in the flash sideways, Jack touches the coffin in the back room of the church and "sees" his island past. Wow. Not gonna lie, that was pretty cool. It's worth noting that Matthew Fox has aged exponentially since 2004. He's Party of Five Matthew Fox in the first two seasons. It's like he shaved off his beard from Season Three and found part of an old catcher's mitt underneath it. What's that? Nope, fresh out of man cards.

*The coffin is empty. Jack's dad is talking. He's apparently a Question Master from some college drinking game ("But Dad, how are you here?" "How are you here?").

*Holy crap: Jack's dead. They're all dead. It's the Roseanne ending, only much smarter. A brief sidebar: when I was taking notes for this, I put a big fat question mark next to the line, "there is no 'now' here." Oh really? What the hell does that mean? Then I thought about it, and it makes sense. Not everyone in that church (read: every passenger but Michael, Walt, Mr. Eko, and Ana Lucia. Wait, is heaven racist?) died at the same time. Some died earlier than others (i.e. Libby), while others flew off the island and probably lived long and happy lives (i.e. Miles, Lapides and the rest of the plane survivors). That was actually a pretty cool explanation.

*"This was the place you all made so you could find one another." Brief sidebar #2: I'm not an overly religious man, but this episode ties in with what I've always held as the best definition of heaven I've ever heard. It's a place and time in your life where you can be with all of the people with whom you've held strong bonds and friendships. This obviously includes pets and relatives you always wanted to meet, but maybe never did. I loved that LOST tied things up like that. Oh, and there will also be Slurpees in heaven. You don't like that? Then I won't see you there.

*And we wrap it up with another musical montage. The reunion of all of the (mostly white) passengers in the church, mixed with Jack slowly dying as he stumbles through the bamboo forest. The same bamboo forest where he woke up immediately after the plane crash.

*Sure, why wouldn't it be "dusty" in the show's final minutes? Jack's dying on the island, he's happy in his heaven reunion, and now Vincent comes running up and lays down next to him. What is it about dogs that makes everything better?

*We've got a bright white light in the church of the flash sideways, and we have Jack smiling as he sees the Lapides-piloted plane flying away to safety. The last shot of the series? A perfect, full-circle shot of Jack's eye closing (the same/opposite thing that happened to start the show back in 2004). Love it.

Annnnnnnd... exhale.

I'll probably watch it again to see what I missed, but taking a quick temperature of the room I'll say this: my wife is awake (hasn't always been the case with some of the episodes this season), and it's a little dusty in here. I think the finale did its job.

You could call the "everybody's dead" conclusion an easy way out, but I really don't think they could have wrapped things up any better. We didn't get all of our questions answered, but you know what? I'm fine with that. It was a touching, thoughtful, poignant effort that did an amazing job of giving a nod to the glory days of the show, while attempting to put a bow on a series that never was one for clean breaks. My favorite aspect of the show, what I loved the most, was how much of it was open for interpretation. The show demanded you think, and for some fans, that was too much. Forget casual viewers. Season Five pretty much thinned them from the herd.

If you were patient enough to see it through and stick it out, the LOST season finale rewarded you the best way possible. My wife may have summed it up perfectly, "I'm glad they brought back some of the old characters to remind me of when I really loved this show." That's exactly it. They brought back Charlie and Jin and Sun and re-connected the best love stories the show had ever seen to reward everyone who had stayed with the show through the time traveling, through Nikki and Paolo, and through jughead.

And without becoming too much of a softy here, maybe that was the point of the show. Maybe it was about how the relationships and the connections you make are what really matter in the end. What better way to bond than an interminable length of time on a hostile, mythical, and often hellish island? You'll get a friend out of that. And maybe you'll also meet the love of your life. Who knows? It's been funny to hear stories from friends about what's happened in their lives during LOST's run. "I met and married my wife" or "I've been with LOST longer than I've been with my boyfriend" or even "My dog died during season two so I love getting to see Vincent." I'm definitely a part of that group, and that's why I'll miss LOST more than I'll miss other shows I liked (R.I.P. Sports Night, West Wing, 24, etc.).

However you feel about the show, you can't argue the fact LOST was ahead of its time. It was a risky move to base a show around a plane crash just three years after 9/11, but the universal appeal of the show's central theme (beyond "Live together, die alone") was enough to overcome any start-up problems. Think about it: if you were dropped on a desert island and got to/had to start all over, what would you do differently? Great question.

An even better question: what the hell am I going to watch now?

In Defense of LOST

2010-05-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

Six years is a long time.

Think about it.

Think about where you were six years ago; what you were doing, where you were living, where you were working (if you were working), what your goals were.

I can come up with my answers quickly enough. In 2004, I was graduating from college, moving back home, sleeping on my little brother's bedroom floor, working a temp job as a glorified secretary in the Viagra division of Pfizer pharmaceuticals, trying like hell to move out and put my degree (for which I was in massive debt) to good use.

In fact, I was working for KSWO-TV (remember when I was a sports anchor? Good times.), the ABC affiliate in Lawton, OK, when LOST premiered in September 2004. Another guy in the sports department had seen the previews, heard the buzz, and bought into the hype. We'd try to get him to go to a particular bar in 'Necklahoma that had beer specials on Wednesday nights, but we knew it was pointless because he would watch the LOST episode he had Tivoed, then wait for his now ex-girlfriend in California to watch the episode before calling her and going over what they'd seen. He was a LOST nerd before being a LOST nerd was popular (and also annoying). We'd be lucky if he even made it to the bar by midnight, assuming he didn't just stay in to re-watch the same episode.

That was my life; waiting around for my select few normal co-workers to finish watching a new TV show so that I could feel better about drinking 3.2-beer at a dirty bar on a Wednesday in the third-largest "city" of a state so flat and so poor you could spot a meth lab explosion 100 miles away (when you weren't dodging tornadoes or watching a hail storm pool show, that is). All while making $520 a month.

Needless to say, I didn't like LOST that first season; it interfered with what little Lawton social life I had. I didn't watch the $12 million, two-part pilot episode. I didn't question why the polar bears were on the island, what the smoke monster was or what was inside the hatch. I was blisfully ignorant of the show that, along with Desperate Houswives and Grey's Anatomy, helped save ABC (but somehow they didn't save the job of Lloyd Braun, the then-head of the network, who will forever be remembered for his role in the Seinfeld 'Serenity Now' episode. That dude was talented).

But that all changed.

When I landed a job in Georgia in the summer of 2005 (one of the top-5 worst decisions I've ever made, btw. Shocker the station is going out of business after losing its CBS affiliation and being sold to the University of Georgia. Stellar resume item for me), a new co-worker and fellow "Yankee" suffering in the land progress and technology forgot introduced me to LOST and then got the hell out of the way.

I watched the first season in about ten days. I'm not proud of it. This is not bragging. If anything, it tells you exactly how little there was to do in northeast Georgia in 2005. It's gotten better since I left in 2006. They have a Wal-Mart and a Sonic now. The Bi-Lo and the Huddle House (an even cheaper and more disgusting version of a Waffle House) have had to close down. Tragic. Sidenote: I'm not kidding about how bad this place was. No movie theater, no pizza delivery, the one bar in town closed at midnight. What's the acronym for a retroactive FML? Is that even possible?

Anyway, LOST quickly became the only drama that was truly appointment television for me. The cable company in Georgia didn't offer a DVR, and Hulu wasn't around yet (seriously, I know it's only been six years, but it might as well have been 1985 instead of 2005) so if I was going to watch Season Two of my new favorite show, it was going to have to be live. Scripts to write, games to shoot, shows to produce? Fuck that! There's a group of survivors from the tail section. Oddly enough... I was fired from that job.

Weird, right?

I moved home (back to my brother's bedroom floor!), worked another temp job, declined job offers in Paducah, KY for $20k (not kidding) and El Paso, TX for $20.5k (still not kidding) and held out for a job in Fort Myers, FL, that I accepted in August 2006. Best decision I ever made. Made my first livable salary, loved my job, covered pro sports, and I met a great girl. One of my early gifts to her? Nope, not gray hair on the pillow. I introduced her to LOST a few weeks after we moved in together. We downloaded the first two seasons on iTunes and bonded in a hurry by, and I'm not the least bit embarrassed by this, turning the lights out, lighting spooky candles, laying on our stomachs on a blanket on the floor, and watching them on her laptop. We'd stay up until 3 or 4am watching episode after episode and then trying to figure out what the hell was going on. We polished off the first two seasons in about a month (probably, no, definitely less), just in time to start watching Season Three on DVR (we were in civilization by this point).

Of course, Season Three changed everything; maybe more specifically, the Season Three finale changed everything. It had two of my favorite moments in the show's history: a legitimate goosebump moment when Charlie sacrifices himself to save Desmond ("Not Penny's Boat"), and one of the best cliffhangers in the history of TV when Jack tells Kate they "have to go back!" and the viewers realize some of the survivors do, in fact, get off the island.

Season Four was shortchanged a little by the Writer's Guild strike, but it still had some amazing episodes, including a serious "I'm not crying, it's just dusty in here" moment (where we think Jin is dead because Sun takes their baby daughter to visit his grave), and a "that's fucked up" moment (where Ben lets the Mercenary kill his "daughter"). The cliffhanger with Locke in the coffin wasn't as good as the previous year's, but it was a solid cap to a solid season.

Then things changed.

Season Five got weird. The writers tried to get a little too creative with all the time travel ridiculousness, culminating in an absurd idea to just blow up the island with a hydrogen bomb in a well. Really?!? Really. But that wasn't the worst part.

The worst side effect of that fifth season was it spawned the Annoying LOST Fan (ALF). All the "it's not where are they, it's when are they" time travel, and the "you need to see the symbolism" flash forwards made ALFs feel the need to discuss and debate the show at places and times most would consider, well... socially awkward. Annoying, really. You know this fan. If you don't know this fan, you just might be this fan. ALF is the blowhard trying to call LOST the smartest show on television. ALF is the pushy chatterbox who's always telling you you just have to borrow the seasons they have on DVD so you can "catch up" on a show you had zippy interest watching in the first place. ALF is the guy with dark circles and bags under his eyes because he's been up all night writing a blog about the latest episode (wait a minute...). Chances are you've been cornered by this group in your office's break room or been frustrated by how many LOST posts had cluttered up your Facebook news feed.

I posted something Sunday afternoon about how I expected a few goosebump moments during the series finale and a guy I went to high school with commented with something to the effect of "I can't wait for you people to go away." 'You people?' I thought it was a little racist, but whatever. One of my friends from college even wrote an article for the Huffington Post about his distaste for LOST fans and got a little backlash from some simpleton who couldn't take a joke (shocker: he's a Penn State grad).

I get it. It can be beyond annoying. ALFs take it too far and their snobby, know-it-all elitism has given fans of the show a bad name. I'm not going to try to defend them. But here's the thing: everyone has something they're passionate about, that they talk about, that they write about... that might annoy someone else. You have kids? Great. Chances are, if we're not that close, I don't want to see pictures or hear stories. Same goes for your dog. You put a costume on it for Easter? You find it in your bed when you get home from work? Awesome. I'm psyched for you, but why does that have to "clog up" my Facebook feed?

Now, this doesn't even really apply for me. I love kids and I love dogs. I'm just trying to draw a comparison and remind you that everyone is annoying to someone. And chances are, it might be the thing you care about the most (and are the most vocal about) that annoys that someone the most. But guess what? You don't like hearing about it? Bring some headphones to work or leave the break room. You don't like reading about it? Scroll down. It's called being a grown up and it's what we do when we're living in a society.

In my opinion, LOST limped into its final season with expectations no show could ever live up to. Fans wanted all of their questions answered, and haters wanted it done in as clear and concise a way as possible so the hard core nuts would shut the hell up. This season had some fantastic moment (Sayid becomes bad and another "dusty" moment in Richard Alpert's backstory), but they were few and far between. There were too many slow episodes that didn't really advance any story lines, and with the clock ticking on a show that had delivered so much while leaving plenty of questions unanswered, fans wondered if the show could possible deliver everything they wanted. Or maybe that was just me.

That's what we were hoping for on Sunday night. The finale would solve everything, right? Who's the good guy, Locke or Jack? What do the sideways flashes mean? Who survives? What happened to Vincent the dog?

Sunday night was the end of an era. The show has been around for six of the most important years of my life. The girl I moved in with down in Fort Myers is now my wife. We've seen every episode, and even though we're excited about the series finale for different reasons (me because it will hopefully answer my questions; her because it means the show is finally over), it means a lot to me that she'll stay up late to watch it with me even though she has to get up early. It means so much, in fact, I say we get a little stupid and do a running recap of the two-and-a-half hour finale.

Let's light those candles for old time's sake...

Jonathan Sanchez Commits a Party Foul

2009-07-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

We had a saying in my fraternity in college, something we would yell out at a party after an awkward or embarrassing incident. The kind of incident that draws attention that draws everyone’s attention and kind of makes the record skip a beat (you know, if we still had records).

“If I’d known it was going to be this kind of party, I wouldn’t have put my dick in the mashed potatoes.” (I think it’s an old Red Foxx line)

I know, I know. I took out student loans for that? But trust me, after a few meetings with Brother Busch Light at dorm and house parties on and around Northwestern’s campus, that mashed potatoes joke was gold.

Anyway, what does this have to do with baseball? I’ll tell you.

Friday night against the Padres, Jonathan Sanchez put his dick in the mashed potatoes (my favorite YouTube clip of the moment. This guy managed to record the final three outs, including Aaron Rowand's ridiculous catch. This one is pretty solid, too. The way he's throwing around his $3,000 HD camera, you’d have thought an earthquake had just hit AT&T Park. What? Too soon?). If it wasn’t for Juan Uribe’s seizure on a somewhat routine ground ball at third base, Sanchez would have gone a step further and tea-bagged the gravy, but by the wee hours of Saturday morning (on the only coast ESPN truly cares about), the damage was done. Sanchez effectively ruined the surprise party the Giants have been throwing for the better part of the first half of the season.

The circumstances were magical. Making a spot start in place of the injured Randy Johnson, Sanchez was pitching with his job on the line. Control issues had cost him his spot in the rotation and he seemed bullpen bound. There was even talk of the Giants trading him for a much-needed bat.

So what does the kid do? He throws the first no-hitter of the season with his father in the stands. The same father who had never seen him pitch in the big leagues before! Are you kidding?!?! Was this a Kevin Costner movie? Even my cousin's new baby, Gunner, couldn't believe this was happening (that's his incredulous look).

After Sanchez got a solid I-Want-To-Be-A-Part-Of-History third strike call from the home plate umpire (that curve ball was both high and outside), his hugging exchange with his father got a little emotional… for everyone watching on TV as well. Actual text message exchange with my buddy Bobo who is a lifelong Giants fan:

@Me: His father is killing me. P.S. My fiancée is crying.
@Bobo: You don’t think it’s a little dusty in the Bozin household right now?

Can’t blame him. How do you say “Hey Dad, do you want to have a catch?” en Espanol?

(side note: GREAT job by CSN San Francisco of getting the father’s reaction to every big play of the ninth inning. The elder Sanchez looked like he was going to pass out after Aaron Rowand turned into the anti-Uribe. (side note to the side note: it’s not OK to use a Spanish accent when pronouncing the names of Spanish players or when speaking to them in interviews. No one likes it when Jon Miller does this, and he’s Jon freaking Miller. This goes for you, Amy Gutierrez, CSN's in-game reporter who puts the "ho" in "horrendous." During her postgame interview with Sanchez and his father, Sanchez's dad said, "Dios es grande." Gutierrez, despite her last name, looked confused, so Sanchez helped her out by saying, "God is huge." Gutierrez still didn't get it and stammered, "That's right. That was huge." I'm not kidding. Here's a clip. Why shouldn't she have a job in sports TV?))

In all honesty, how many casual baseball fans could even tell you who Jonathan Sanchez was before Friday night? He’s been the seventh best pitcher on his own team this season (behind Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, Johnson, Brian Wilson, NL holds leader Jeremy Affeldt, 7th inning specialist Sergio Romo and even Barry Zito). If you had asked ten baseball “experts” which Giant they thought had the best chance to throw a no-hitter, nine would have said Lincecum and Skip Bayless would have said Randy Johnson just to be an asshole.

The point is, Sanchez wasn’t even in the discussion. In another couple of weeks, he might have been traded to Pittsburgh for Adam LaRoche or Baltimore for Aubrey Huff.

But he did more than strike out 11 Padres and put up a no-hitter in his first career complete game. Sanchez also took away any shot the Giants had of sneaking up on anyone the rest of the season. They had a real shot, too. Outside of the occasional superlative compliment about Lincecum from Scott Van Pelt (more on in a future column) or a fantasy baseball “buy” on Pablo Sandoval or Cain from Eric Karabell (oh, you think so, doctor?), the Giants get zippy play from the national media.

None.

Because of ESPN’s hyper-focus on the Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers, and Cubs (and the hyper-local focus of local affiliates just to offer something ESPN doesn’t), hardly any casual baseball fans knew just how loaded the Giants really were this season. If anything gets any play from the west coast, it’s whatever Manny Ramirez had for lunch (I heard it was cantaloupes because it helps his breast milk stay sweet).

Sure, Lincecum is “Timmy Franchise," was the NL starter in the All-Star game, and has flirted with a no-no himself a few times in his young career. But what about Cain’s 10-2 record and a Lincecum-esque 2.38 ERA? Or Johnson’s six quality starts and 80 Ks in 91 innings? Even Zito is pitching better lately (not $126 million better, but it’s a start). Combine that with a nasty bullpen (Affeldt has 19 holds and a 1.32 ERA, Wilson is 23 of 27 on save chances and routinely gets his fastball above 100mph) and a disciplined young line-up (Sandoval is hitting .333 with 15 home runs and 55 RBIs) and the Giants are just about the last team anyone wants to face in the playoffs.

If the Giants even make it to the postseason.

Now that Sanchez has sent a warning shot to the rest of the league not to take the young Giants lightly, can San Francisco hold off the rest of the Mets, Brewers, Cubs and even the Rockies to win the Wild Card? I say they can. I’ll go a step further and predict a Giants-Dodgers NLCS. Lincecum and Roy Halladay in Game 1. Cain and Chad Billingsley in Game 2. Johnson and Clayton Kershaw in Game 3.

Now that might even make ESPN stand up and pay attention. You know, if Sanchez's mashed potatoes party foul hasn't done it already.

It Can't End Like This... Can It?

2009-05-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

PRE-GAME-

I have a Pavlovian response to Kiefer Sutherland's voice at this point. Every time I hear that Marlboro'd rasp, forged by the urgent shouts of Jack Bauer and his genes (his Dad, Donald, has one great set of pipes), I get excited. Because for me, it either means another hour in the life of his 24 CTU agent or, as it has for the last couple of weeks, it means the Caps and Pens are about to get after it. Wait a minute, am I a hockey fan now?

Beautiful day in the nation's capital and normally on a night like this, you'd have people crowding Georgetown bars and restaurants, maybe playing in their kickball and softball leagues, generally enjoying the best time of year to live in one of the best cities in the world.

Not tonight.

Tonight, in the middle of the worst economy this side of the Great Depression, 20,000 red-clad lunatics are gladly forking over hundreds of their hard-earned and harder-saved dollars to watch a hockey team (a hockey team?!?!) try to save the sports psyche of Washington, D.C. And if Sidney Crosby gets a broken nose out of the whole deal, that's fine, too.

The 85-degree monsoon thunderstorm rocking the palm trees outside of my apartment doesn't necessarily put me in a hockey mood, but you play the cards you're dealt. I'm more than 900 miles from home (910 to my Mom's front door) and I ache to be a part of this.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I now present to you... Game Seven.

FIRST PERIOD-

19:10- What's the hockey equivalent of de-cleated? De-skated? Because Alexander Ovechkin just de-skated Brooks Orpik even though Orpik was lining up a hit on Ovechkin. Less than a minute in and the Phone Booth is rocking. You will never see Clark Kent do something like that. 0-0 Tied.

18:20- First scary stat of the series: Marc-Andre Fleury's goals averaged against is a full goal lower than Varlamov in the playoffs. Specifically, Varly has given up more than 3.5 goals per game over his last five games. Ouch. 0-0 Tied.

16:59- My official transcript of the last 7 seconds: "There we go, finally some defense!" "Oh, breakaway... Ovieeeeee.... @#*#&^!" First the Caps defenders finally step up and stop the Crosby-Bill Guerin connection that's worked the last four games. Then Ovie gets loose off of a perfect outlet pass and gets stoned by Fleury (who made a legitimate nasty save). We're less than four minutes in and I need a new shirt. 0-0 Tied.

15:00- Your Caps MVP of the first five minutes (and I can't believe I'm writing this): Tomas Fleischmann. Great effort during his first shift, got off a decent scoring opportunity, and in the last minute or so, he managed to force a Pens turnover in the Pittsburgh zone and got off another solid shot that left a decent rebound for his teammates. Fleischmann's playing well, the Caps dodged a bullet when a Ruslan Fedotenko wrister went off the post and Fleury stopped Ovechkin on a breakaway. I'll take Signs of the Apocalypse for $400, Alex. 0-0 Tied.

13:21- Hey, Sergei Gonchar is back! Remember all those Stanley Cups he won with the Caps? Oh wait... 0-0 Tied.

9:32- What does Alexander Semin have to do to get benched? Turn around and fire a slap shot at Varlamov? No one was even near him during his last turnover. He's playing like he's new to the game. Not Game Seven. The game of Hockey. 0-0 Tied.

9:12- Great one-liner from Daryl Reaugh: "It's like Semin has rubber allergies or something, the way he's been turning the puck over." There's a rubber allergy joke in there somewhere, but I'm too mad at Semin to find it. 0-0 Tied.

9:11- Christine Simpson just interviewed Bruce Boudreau during Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. I appreciate media access as much as anyone, but how about Brucey gets back to work? 0-0 Tied.

7:24- I was just about to write about how much more intimidated by Malkin than Crosby. Then "the Kid" gets another doorstep goal that could have actually gone in off of his skate. I don't think the Caps managed to clear the puck once during that power play. 1-0 Penguins.

7:16- Do not check the time codes on this blog. You are not seeing things. Eight seconds (8 freaking seconds!) after Crosby's power play goal, Craig Adams (who?) beat Varly golveside as the Caps defense stood around and sulked about the earlier goal. Well guess what, fellas? You're now down 2-0 because of your pouting. Wake the hell up. 2-0 Penguins.

6:54- Emrick just informed us Craig Adams has 42 career playoff games and that was his first goal. Sure, why not? 2-0 Penguins.

3:45- Watching Semin and Sergei Federov on the same line is like watching Dumb and Dumber on ice. 2-0 Penguins.

3:23- Just about the stupidest penalty I've ever seen from Federov. He cross-checked a Penguin, away from the play, in the direct eye line of a referee. If Pittsburgh scores on this power play, this series is over. Biggest penalty kill of the season for the Caps. 2-0 Penguins.

1:18- Reaugh just said something that I couldn't agree with more completely: "He (Varly) is the only reason the Caps are still in this game." Just an outstanding individual effort from Varly to stop the Pens on their power play. Intermission can't come soon enough. 2-0 Penguins.

0:00.0- Thank God.

INTERMISSION-

I know Varlamov is only 21 and he just learned English, but do you think he has the locker room cred to stand up and verbally slap everyone of his teammates in the face? Something like the time the Japanese player called out Pedro Cerano in Major League II? You... have... no... marbles! He doesn't deserve this.

(Sidenote: Christine Simpson just interviewed Crosby and his "playoff beard." I've seen girls with better sideburns. Ugly girls, but girls nonetheless).

SECOND PERIOD-

19:32- Game over. Crosby and Guerin just worked their maddening give and go to open up the second period and Guerin beat Varly from 40 feet. I can't necessarily blame Varlamov because I tried to watch it back and see how Varly got beat and I went frame by frame and still couldn't see the puck off of Guerin's stick. For the record, I think Guerin beat him 5-hole. 3-0 Penguins.

17:47- Why not? Kris Letang beats Varly shortside and high from just outside the left circle and that's it for Varlamov. He sure was fun to watch, but his inconsistency also drove me crazy. The Pens wrote the book on him and it says to blast away from distance and/or shoot right between his legs. I'm too frustrated to write the obligatory 'That's what she said' joke. 4-0 Penguins.

12:08- The Pens have out-shot the Caps 20-7 so far. I honestly can't blame Varlamov one bit. He's had to deal with this crap for the last five games. What did you expect from a rookie goaltender against the most offensively-skilled team in the game? Seriously. 4-0 Penguins.

8:23- Annnnnnnd... I'm out. The Caps have given up and I'll do the same. Miroslav Satan had all day to pick and choose which one of his teammates to pass to in the Caps zone, found a wide open Jordan Staal waiting just outside the crease and Staal took it from there. Aren't you supposed to check someone who camps out in front of the net? Aren't you supposed to at least PUT A BODY ON HIM?!?! 5-0 Penguins.

I can't believe this. I can and I can't. The Caps defense has been flirting with disaster all series, so I can't pretend to be too surprised. When I was firing up the DVR for tonight I chose to record Game Seven and American Idol over Lost because, I mean, it's Game Seven. But now I'll get to catch the season finale because apparently no one told the Caps their season was on the line, so I'm going to tap out and call it a night.

THREE HOURS LATER-

Ok, I went out and grabbed some dinner, vented a little bit to my fiancee and cooled down a little. It's like your Mom used to say: I guess I'm not mad, just disappointed. Completely and bitterly disappointed. Losing is one thing. There's no shame in that. There's honor in trading haymakers with a team like Pittsburgh for seven games. But to get blown out, nay, to get emasculated, castrated on your home ice... is shameful. Where was the effort? Where was the hustle on the defensive end? It's easy to blame Varlamov, but it's not entirely fair. Even after the Caps had fallen into a 2-0 hole, Versus' Daryl Reaugh recognized Varly's hustle and said he was the only reason the Caps were still in the game. Lazy penalties put the Penguins on power plays, a lack of hustle on the defensive end had Varly fighting for his life and the kid deserved better than that.

He's 21-years-old for Pete's sake! He was over his skis from the minute he hit the ice in Game Two of the Rangers series. But he sure was fun to watch, wasn't he? He seemed to get better with every start and fed off of the home crowds. But beginning in Game Three in Pittsburgh, he was on his own. I don't have specific stats, but the Pens out-shot the Caps the entire series. It was criminal to watch. The scary thing is Varly is so young, you don't know how something like this could affect him in the future. You see pitchers lose their control in baseball and you see golfers get the yips. Is it too far-fetched to think something like could this happen in hockey?

There are plenty of other questions Caps fans will have the entire summer to mull over. After skating around like the Tin Man for the postseason, will Federov be back? What do they do with Jose Theodore? What the hell happened to Alexander Semin? For the love of all that is good, please do something about the defense! (ok, that was more of a request, but it's still important).

Caps fans really shouldn't be surprised. Washington is now 2-6 in Game Sevens including 0-3 against Pittsburgh. I got a text message from a former co-worker after the Penguins went up 3-0 early in the second period that said, "It can't end like this, can it?"

It can.

I just can't believe it did.

On the Eve of History: Caps Win Game Six

2009-05-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

I've known my friend Brian for more than 20 years (when you get old you can write stuff like that), ever since his Dad was our tee-ball coach in Vienna (the Indians, we were awesome, lost to the Hawks in the Town Tournament final, I was voted 'Biggest Hat Size,' *sniff).

Like so many of our friends in the finance industry, Brian has decided to take a time-out from our current economy to go get his master's degree on the grounds of Mr. Jefferson's University down in Charlottesville. But with the Caps facing an elimination Game Six, Brian decided to drive the 5 1/2 hours to Pittsburgh just in case this turned out to be the last game of a fantastic series.

Here are the text messages (unedited, so I apologize in advance for the profanity) he sent me through the evening:

7:16pm- "There are literally 8 caps fans here. I counted." (yes, literally is spelled wrong)

7:26pm- After I suggested that meant he'd have to cheer louder: "I'll try."

10:02pm- After I sent him a celebratory text: "I started crying."

10:04pm- "I've never been so fucking happy."

10:06pm- After I asked if he was going to Game Seven: "100percwnt." (yes again to the wrong spelling).

10:20pm- "Could not feel less safe right now."

10:24pm- After I asked him whether he was wearing any Caps gear: "Ovie jersey, on the pitt metro. Bad."

So there's one fan's perspective. If Brian does somehow pony up the dough for a ticket Wednesday night, we'll definitely have more from his cell phone. For now, let's recap how we got to one of the best things in sports: Game Seven.

PRE-GAME-
A great opening montage from Versus. I miss these. I remember the ones Bob Costas used to voice during the Jordan years on NBC (I'd literally record them and save them) and no one seems to do it anymore. Versus just showed the fans in both Pittsburgh and Washington and is it wrong to say the Capitals fans are just better looking? Am I too much of a homer if I firmly believe this? It's like the perm never went out of style in Western Pennsylvania.

Christine Simpson scores a pre-game interview with Sidney Crosby where Clark Kent says, "when you get tired, you start to make mistakes." So judging by his sparse, pre-pubescent facial hair, Crosby's absolutely exhausted already.

FIRST PERIOD-
20:00- We haven't even started yet and we already have our first gem from color commentator Daryl Reaugh: "Crosby's had more allies." You think so, doctor? You mean Crosby's gotten help while it's been Ovechkin and Varly playing 2-on-6 so far? How'd you figure that out, through the power of sight? 0-0 Tied.

18:46- Less than two minutes in and the Caps defense has already had a lazy turnover deep in their zone. Great start. It almost led to a Matt Cooke goal, but Matt Cooke is a useless human being, so I can't imagine how worthless he is as a hockey player. (That's right, it's an elimination game so I'm stepping my game up). 0-0 Tied.

14:49- Versus shows us a contrast in preparation styles from our two goalies. Varly uses the last couple of minutes to stretch, Marc-Andre Fleury stays in goal and apparently lets every one of his teammates score on him. I think I like Varly's style better? 0-0 Tied.

14:05- On second thought, maybe Varly could have faced a few more shots. Bill Guerin just beat him top shelf (made the water bottle bounce) off of a great pass from Crosby. What happened to the Caps defense, you ask? I have no idea since Versus stayed with Chris Letang's outlet pass for two seconds too long. But it looked like (gasp) the Caps were out of position which led to the 2-on-1. What a surprise. Ugghh. 1-0 Penguins.

11:41- As much as I have ripped and will continue to rip on the Washington defensemen, they just helped Varly out in a big way, clearing out the rebound after a great individual effort from Evgeni Malkin. I know Crosby has had a much better series to this point, but for some reason, Malkin scares me even more. Maybe it's his mom. 1-0 Penguins.

9:44- I know it's only the first period, but we've officially reached Scary Power Play status for the Penguins. Already up 1-0 with a power play coming up? I don't think the Caps have it in them to come back from a 2-0 defecit, not with the way they've played the last three games. 1-0 Penguins.

8:44- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Pens now have a 5-on-3 because Crosby just flopped, soccer-style. Brooks Laich was trying to clear "the Kid" out from in front of the net and Crosby completely flopped on the second shove. How do I know it was a flop? Because the first shove caught him by surprise and he didn't go down. Crosby expected the second shove and went down like he was shot. What a great hockey player this guy is. 1-0 Penguins.

7:46- Penalty on Crosby and not a second too soon. There aren't too many things in sports scarier than facing Malkin and Crosby on a 5-on-3 power play. Pens still have a 4-on-3 so the Caps aren't out of the woods yet. 1-0 Penguins.

6:44- Sure wouldn't mind seeing a Caps equalizer here on the power play. Versus just showed the shot statbar and the Penguins have a 17-3 shot advantage. That's not a typo. 1-0 Penguins.

5:03- Caps finally caught a break as the refs missed Brian Pothier's attempt to basically cut Crosby's nose off of his face. Pothier's shoulder actually knocked Crosby's helmet off, but the ensuing high stick was pretty cool to see. Crosby's helmet actually doesn't spend a whole lot of time on his head. Good thing he only fights when other guys have their backs turned. 1-0 Penguins.

3:37- Apparently Mike Green is actually a pretty good goal-scorer for a defenseman. I wouldn't know this because he's been flying out of Miami International Airport (MIA) for every game of this series. 1-0 Penguins.

1:41- Bottom of your screen, John Erskine just put a great hit on Evgeni Malkin to disrupt Pittsburgh's break. So far, I'm pretty happy with the Caps defense. You know, aside from the blown assignment that led to the only goal of the game so far. 1-0 Penguins.

0:00.0- After a cross-checking penalty on Chris Kunitz, the Caps open up the second period on a power play. Can I go ahead and request Alexander Semin not be allowed to participate? 1-0 Penguins.

INTERMISSION-
I think it's safe to say I'll see The Hangover on opening night. I can't remember the last time I said that about a movie. But I gotta be honest: not psyched about Will Ferrell's summer adventure, Land of the Lost. These guys grow up, have kids, and want to make family movies (Adam Sandler, Mike Myers, Ferrell). I get it. But don't expect me to plunk down $10 to see Ferrell and Kenny Powers run away from dinosaurs. Not gonna happen.

SECOND PERIOD-
20:00- Caps open up the period on the power play. Sure wouldn't mind an equalizer here. I'll say it again: this CANNOT get to a 2-0 game. 1-0 Penguins.

18:01- I've done my fair share of ripping on Versus during this series, but one thing they've gotten right is they don't clutter your view with stat bars or graphics. You have the score and the clock at the top of the screen and that's it. They've also done a great job with the important stats like the fact the Penguins had an 8-3 advantage in terms of scoring chances in the first period and outshot the Caps 18-4. That's not a typo... 18 to freaking 4! How can you expect to win a series when you're getting outshot so badly? 1-0 Penguins.

13:42- Awww... Crosby took a puck in the chest and he's hurt. Apparently, kryptonite isn't Clark Kent's only weakness. 1-0 Penguins.

13:33- Atta boy, Kozzie!!! Regardless of how this game turns out, that laserbeam of a wrister from Kozlov is one of the biggest goals of the playoffs for the Caps. They had to have that equalizer. Good to see Ovechkin's getting some help from his countrymen (and for the record, I have noooo idea if Kozlov is Russian or not). 1-1 Tied.

12:26- Caps on the power play? Hmm... if the Caps can find a way to put the go-ahead goal home I think you'd be able to hear the air being let out of the Igloo. But that's not what this Caps team does. They don't go for the throat enough. That's why we're even watching a Game Six in the first place. It didn't have to be this way. 1-1 Tied.

8:28- See? Right there! That deflection stuff is what bothers me the most about Varlamov. He deflects and blocks pucks that he could easily catch, which gives the Penguins a better opportunity at a cheap rebound (See: Crosby). And he's really not getting any help from his defenders in clearing the puck so why not catch it and just deal with the face-off? 1-1 Tied.

5:18- Scooooooore! First of all, Alexander Semin should have had a penalty shot after he was taken down from behind on the breakaway. Secondly, who is this guy wearing Tomas Fleischmann's jersey? That was actually a heads-up, stick with it play. For once, the Caps were the team crowding the seam and sticking home the rebound goal. Caps take a lead and it's a lot quieter in the Igloo. Finally. 2-1 Caps.

2:04- Just a stupid penalty for Washington's Brian Pothier to take. There wasn't a real scoring opportunity for Pittsburgh and there's no way the referees were going to miss that. The Caps desperately need to get to the locker room with a lead. More than Ellen Pompeo needs a meal, the Caps need a lead at Intermission. 2-1 Caps.

0:33.4- I'll stop writing now. 2-2 Tied.

0:33.4- Seriously though, I feel like Varly's a little slutty with his 5-hole. How many times has he been beaten there during this series? Seriously. There are children watching. 2-2 Tied.

0:00.0- I love the intensity that we saw from the Caps in the second period, but it's like they just can't let well enough alone. Washington will score and then take a stupid penalty that leads to a goal. I'd sure like to see the Caps put together a complete game. That'd be amazing. 2-2 Tied.

INTERMISSION-
Here's my fiancee on Brian Engblom (who came over to the Caps from Montreal in the Rod Langway trade of 1982): "what's up with that guy's hair? Does he really walk out of the house thinking he's ready to go on television?" Ladies and gentlemen, the future mother of my children. She does have a great point, though.

THIRD PERIOD-
20:00- You know who's joined Mike Green on his flight out of MIA for most of this series? Dave Steckel. He was my second-favorite Capital during the first two games of the series, but he's been in Witness Protection since then. 2-2 Tied.

16:49- Something is wrong with Crosby. As much as I rip on him, I recognize his talent as one of the purest scorers in the game and he just missed a gimme off of a backboard rebound. I mean, I'll take it, but if you're going to beat a team like Pittsburgh, don't you want to beat them at full strength so they don't have any excuses? Screw it, I'm fine with it for tonight. Maybe he can get right for Game Seven. 2-2 Tied.

15:29- I don't know who I'm more upset with, Steckel for taking an unnecessary penalty, or the referee for giving the Kris Letang another B.S. goal. Seriously, check out the replay. A loose puck off of a shot from Malkin bounced straight off of a referee and right to Letang for a room-service slap shot. Varly didn't even have a chance. I'm really starting to hate Letang. 3-2 Penguins.

14:22- Scooooooooore! It turns out Alexander Semin has a pulse after all! It looks like they gave the goal to Brooks Laich on the re-direct, but Semin actually showed some initiative and managed to not turn it over before he got the shot off. Just a huge goal. 3-3 Tied.

13:53- Vik-tor Koz-lov... clap, clap clapclapclap! Somehow the Caps have now scored 2 goals in less than 30 seconds and have a precious lead. In the third period. In Pittsburgh. Of an elimination game. Is it too early to start the countdown? 4-3 Caps.

9:52- Our color commentator, Daryl Reaugh: "the cream is truly rising to the top right now." Is it? Because I could have sworn the three best players in this series haven't scored tonight. But that's just me. 4-3 Caps.

7:34- Are the Pens on a power play? Did they pull their goalie? Because that's how the Caps are playing. Truly infuriating to watch. It's like watching football's prevent defense on ice. 4-3 Caps.

4:49- The Penguins have out-shot the Capitals 35-19 with 4:49 left in the third period. I'm just saying... 4-3 Caps.

4:18- Dammit! Dammitdammitdammit. Another turnover from the Caps defense leads to another rebound goal from Crosby. I really hate this guy, but I'm pretty sure I'd love him if he were wearing the Red, White and Blue (that joke works on different levels. Crosby's also Canadian). 4-4 Tied.

2:02- I can read Bruce Boudreau's lips and I agree with every damn word he's saying. How do you make that call in the final minutes of an elimination game in the most-watched series of the post-season? Really? Really?!? That's one of the worst calls I've ever seen. 4-4 Tied.

0:05- Steckel just had a chance to end it in regulation! An outstanding individual effort from Backy to keep the puck in Pittsburgh's zone and kill the power play, then he had the presence of mind to feed a streaking Steckel who had a great look to end it. I'll take overtime... and a fresh pair of shorts. 4-4 Tied.

0:00.0- And... exhale. We're going to overtime and I'm pretty sure I can't take much more of this series. 4-4 Tied.

INTERMISSION-
I'm too nervous to think of anything witty. Seriously, my fingers are shaking. Let's just go to overtime.

OVERTIME-
20:00- Apparently Fleury's in some rarefied air when it comes to winning playoff games in overtime. He's won his first five attempts. I still think I could score on him if I could manage to skate without breaking what's left of my ankles. 4-4 Tied.

16:35- For the first time this entire series, the crowd in Pittsburgh didn't boo when Ovechkin had the puck. They held their breath. Seriously, watch it back. Not too many people that can make a crowd do that. 4-4 Tied.

16:04- Rob Scuderi just came within an inch of becoming my least favorite person in sports. After hounding Ovechkin for the last four games, Scuderi almost ended the series with a slap shot that went off of the crossbar. I'm a wreck right now. 4-4 Tied.

13:38- YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! We get a Game Seven in D.C.! Just a perfect re-direct from Dave Steckel off of a Brooks Laich wrister and there is much fist-pumping in my apartment. Tiger Woods-style. I love how quiet the Igloo is right now. They just showed a Pens fan wearing a Red Sox hat. He's going to hell, I think that's pretty obvious. But you and I, my friend, are headed to a Game Seven! Caps win, 5-4 in OT.

There's nothing like Game Seven. Not a thing. It's easily one of the best things in sports because it's one of the few times where a season comes down to one game. The NFL has had it right for years and it's no coincidence football is the most popular sport in America. It's down to one game and you can thank-any-religious-deity-you-want for the fact the game will be played in D.C. The Verizon Center was amazing for Games 1, 2 and 5, can you imagine Wednesday night?

In this economy, in that town, it takes something special to get people to pay hundreds of dollars for tickets... but I think Game Seven qualifies.

Not Again: Caps Score on Themselves, Drop Game 5

2009-05-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

PRE-GAME-

I can't seem to get any confirmation on this, but I'm pretty sure that's Kiefer Sutherland voicing the pre-game 'The following is a presentation of the National Hockey League' line on Versus. Smart move to get in on this series any way you can. It's an easy joke, but atta boy Kiefer, way to use your head.

Versus shows us a shot of a street hockey game on Pennsylvania Avenue. Whoa, wait, it was 87 degrees in D.C. today?!?! I bet the Metro smelled lovely.

Our color commentator, Daryl Reaugh, says Alexander Ovechkin was 'just another guy' during the two games in Pittsburgh. I disagree with that. Let's call him 'a guy forced to do it all himself.' How does that work for everyone?

Reaugh just cemented his annoying idiocy status with me by dubbing Sidney Crosby the best player of the series so far. It's easy to look good when you get help from your teammates. Obviously, I think it's been Ovechkin, but that's just me. And because it's true.

FIRST PERIOD-

20:00- Apparently Pittsburgh's Sergei Gonchar can't do two things: 1) take a hit, and 2) play tonight. So it sounds like Ovechkin did find a way to contribute in Game Four. 0-0 Tied.

18:59- Emrick says Alexander Semin leads the series with four assists, but has still been unproductive. I don't know if that makes sense, but I wholeheartedly agree. Semin needs to earn his money tonight. 0-0 Tied.

15:36- Four or five great scoring chances for the Caps in the last minute and a half or so. Erskine, Steckel and Gordon all had good looks, but Fleury did just enough to keep this thing scoreless. I love the intensity from the Caps so far. They've probably been this way all season, but the Caps play like a different team in the Phone Booth. 0-0 Tied.

14:19- Semin continues his outstanding series with a stupid tripping penalty. I can't even argue this one (outside of the fact it looked like the Penguin fell, but whatever). Pens on the power play. 0-0 Tied.

13:31- Varly's off to a great start after he just informed Chris Kunitz that his poor effort needs to find a different location from the one Varly is currently occupying (aka, get that weak shit out of here). Kunitz got through a little too easily, though. Washington's defense needs to put up a better effort. 0-0 Tied.

11:54- It's good to see Ovie back to his old self. After looking out of sorts in Pittsburgh, Ovechkin just connected on a big hit along the boards, then led the break and hustled down to the offensive end. The fans love it and the Caps need that home ice advantage tonight. 0-0 Tied.

9:12- Varly continues to have trouble with shots from distance and it just doesn't make any sense to me. Doesn't it stand to reason that it's easier to stop something from farther away then it is to stop something closer to you? Is there a 'that's what she said' joke in there somewhere? The answer to both questions: probably. 0-0 Tied.

8:33- Daryl Reaugh, our annoying closet Penguins fan of a color commentator just told Mike Emrick the action is so exciting: "My spine is actually tingling right now." Um... you should probably have that looked at? 0-0 Tied.

7:21- I think we just had our first commercial break. Why isn't hockey more popular? Oh yeah, because Gary Bettman has run the league into the ground over the last 10 years. 0-0 Tied.

5:26- A linesman just got leveled by a hit along the boards near the red line and the fans cheered as they always do when something like that happens. I've never really thought it was too cool to laugh at a ref getting hit (because you can't really root for someone to get hurt), but with the way this series has been officiated... I mean... 0-0 Tied.

3:41- Great start to the power play for Semin. He tried to do too much and not set the offense, turned the puck over, then had his lame attempt easily blocked by Hal Gill. Are you telling me the Caps don't have anyone else they could play in Semin's place? Maybe a security guard? 0-0 Tied.

1:41- Actually a pretty good point from Reaugh: "Fleury's playing fantastic, but his defenders are acting like goalies in front of him." That's really been the difference in this series. Varly's not getting much help from his defenders, while the Penguins apparently suit up six goalies. 0-0 Tied.

0:00.0- I didn't think I'd ever write this, but that scoreless first period was actually pretty exciting. Both teams showed good intensity, the Caps actually managed to out-shoot the Pens for most of the first 20 minutes, and Varly looks like he's shaken off the butterflies from Games 3 and 4. Washington needs a much better effort from it's defense, though. You can't leave a veteran goalie out there to face multiple rebounds, let alone a 21-year-old Russian who's first word of English was 'awesome.'

INTERMISSION-

I know I've told this story before and I have a couple of really good friends who have worked or continue to work for Enterprise, but... I hate Enterprise. What are they known for? Picking you up. 'Enterprise: We'll pick you up.' The only problem being... that's not even true. The one time (ONE TIME) I needed a rental car to come pick me up, I called Enterprise and was informed, 'um, we don't do that here.' Oh really? Because I can't watch a game without seeing one of your dangerously unsafe wrapped cars going to pick someone up at their house. Weird.

SECOND PERIOD-

18:30- We've already had three pucks get flipped up and out of play which has led to a kind of choppy flow to the second period. Here's a question for longtime hockey fans: did they really used to play these games without any nets to protect the fans? I know a few people did get seriously hurt, but how did it take so long to get those nets up? 0-0 Tied.

16:32- Matt Cooke just put a clean, solid hit on Ovechkin that put Ovie into the boards, back-first. Yet another reason Ovechkin is more likable than Crosby: Ovie didn't get up and start complaining to the referees, instead he popped up and got in Cooke's face during the next stoppage in play. Thanks to Tim for this YouTube clip that gives us an insight into Crosby's fighting style. 0-0 Tied.

16:10- Varly just informed Crosby that the kitchen was, in fact, closed and no more cookies are being served. Great save on a mini-breakaway from Sid the Kid. It's a little crazy to watch Varly because that sort of stuff, I don't doubt he'll make the play. But if Crosby had pulled up near the blue line I would have been worried. 0-0 Tied.

14:43- I know Mike Green is a great defenseman, but what the hell was he doing there?!?! Jordan Staal and Miroslav Satan just played a little two-man game right next to the net and Green just stood in front of the crease. Shaone Morrisonn was the only defender actually playing defense. Green (and I think this next word is overused, but it's actually appropriate here) LITERALLY stood there. 1-0 Penguins.

14:11- The team to score first in this series has lost all four games. So you're telling me there's a chance... 1-0 Penguins.

13:44- Wow! W-o-w! I think Ovie just fired a wrister through a human being and beat Fleury top shelf. Even better, after looking at the replay, it was Orpik defending and Ovechkin fired the shot between Orpik's legs and up and passed Fleury. Good to see Ovie's back. 1-1 Tied.

8:50- After a few big hits and close calls at the Caps defensive end, Reaugh says: "this place is just throbbing." Easy, big guy. This is a family establishment. Take that 'throbbing' talk somewhere else. 1-1 Tied.

7:15- It was on the right side of the screen and if you weren't looking that way, you probably missed it but you shouldn't feel bad because the refs did, too. Mike Green just got pulled to the ice from behind by Tyler Kennedy. Was a penalty called? No. Are these refs giving me trouble learning the rules of hockey? Yes. 1-1 Tied.

6:44- I understand that a few mistakes are going to be made on the defensive end, but how do you lose track of Sidney Crosby in the seam? How does that happen?!?! This Capitals defense has to wake up and stop hanging Varly out to dry. 1-1 Tied.

5:41- Penguins get called for too many men on the ice, and while this may sound like a pretty stupid penalty, I bet it happens more often than you'd think. It's not like basketball where you'd have to be a complete moron to have too many guys on the floor. These guys are hopping into and out of their bench so often, I'm actually surprised we haven't seen it more frequently. 1-1 Tied.

5:25- Scoooooooore! Nicklas Backstrom and Sergei Federov just worked the give and go to perfection. Backstrom to Federov in the corner, back to Backstrom cutting across the seam for a top-shelf surprise to beat Fleury gloveside. I'm pretty sure there's a dirty joke in there somewhere. 2-1 Caps.

1:44- Reaugh, our pervy color commentator, just commended the referees for not calling a ton of penalties (like Game 4) and letting these guys play. He said the game has been "delicious" because of it. Versus should probably run a disclaimer before games Reaugh calls. Something like, "pursuant to Meghan's law, Versus is required to inform you Daryl Reaugh will be calling tonight's game." 2-1 Caps.

0:00.0- A 2-1 Capitals lead is pretty much all I could have asked for at this point, but I'm worried about how Washington will handle this lead. You can't try to play keep away like they did in Game 2 because Crosby put up a hat trick and almost tied it. You have to keep your foot on the gas, right? Or does that not make any sense?

INTERMISSION-
Brian Engblom is busy patting himself on the back for saying Pittsburgh's Jordan Staal would break out of his slump and contribute tonight. This leads to an awkward exchange between Engblom and the Intermission Report host. Host: "Brian, you called Staal out. You think he heard you?" Engblom: "No, no way he heard me." Host: "You never know, they could have had Versus on in the locker room." Engblom: (silence). He didn't have the heart to say what everyone was thinking: No one watches Versus.

THIRD PERIOD-

19:09- Ruslan Fedotenko. Unfortunately, I can now type that name without looking up how to spell it and it's because he's owned Varly during this series. Off of a great feed from Evgeni Malkin (a backwards, between-the-legs, no-look pass), Fedotenko fired a laser to beat Varly gloveside and the kid never saw it. 2-2 Tied.

18:43- Great defense from Rob Scuderi on an Ovechkin breakaway. Ovie tried a spin move off of a long outlet pass and Scuderi got just enough of him to force Ovechkin into a weak shot attempt. But here's a question: Why wasn't a penalty called? It looked to me like Scuderi tripped him because, well, Ovechkin was tripped from behind and fell into the net. 2-2 Tied.

15:20- Washington's Boyd Gordon finally decided to block a shot attempt and had to go back to the bench because he took a slap shot off of his foot. Pittsburgh's been doing this all series. The Caps try it and someone gets hurt. Awesome. 2-2 Tied.

13:33- I mean, COME ON! Matt Cooke (probably my second or third least favorite Penguin behind Crosby and Orpik) just put home a third or fourth rebound attempt for Pittsburgh and the Caps have finally paid the price for failing to help their rookie goaltender. Varly made a couple of terrific stops, but couldn't make four in a row from less than five feet away. Uggggh. 3-2 Penguins.

10:02- Shocker: Semin just turned it over. Alert the media. 3-2 Penguins.

7:52- Varly's already made 31 saves tonight and we have close to 8 minutes left. How can you expect to win in the playoffs when you put so much pressure on your rookie goalie? Seriously? 3-2 Penguins.

5:40- Reaugh just dropped this little nugget on us: "The Capitals are 0-7 in Game Fives against the Penguins in their history.... Oh, and I hate America." 3-2 Penguins.

4:20- Varly just bailed Backstrom out, big time. Backy (that's my new nickname for him) just turned it over to Chris Kunitz deep in the Capitals zone and Varly had to make a great save to keep this thing from getting to 4-2. Now that Varly can legally drink, Backy owes him a beer. 3-2 Penguins.

4:08- OVECHKIN! Great passing from Mike Green to Backy to Ovie and the Caps have tied it up with eyes on finishing this thing in regulation because their legs have got to be killing them. If he hadn't already gotten so luck so far this series (see: completely turning his back on Federov in Game 3), I'd feel sorry for Fleury because he never had a chance. Ovie's not going to miss from there. 3-3 Tied.

1:27- Finally! Varlamov gets bumped by Fedotenko on the break and the Capitals defense finally stepped up and did something about it. All series long there's been a little shoving after Varly's gotten bumped or completely piled on, but nothing's ever really come from it. Good to see the Caps defense has a backbone. 3-3 Tied.

0:00.0- These poor bastards. After playing a full game last night, they had to travel from Pittsburgh to Washington, play the most important game of the series the very next night and now they have to go to overtime. This will be the most important 20 minutes of the series.

Let's get right to it.

OVERTIME-

20:00- Great stats from Versus. The Penguins are 19-14 all-time in overtime in the playoffs, the Caps are 14-20. Marc-Andre Fleury has a 4-0 playoff overtime record. But most important: through the history of the NHL, the winner of Game 5 in a tied series wins the series more than 80% of the time. 3-3 Tied.

19:47- Dave Steckel, once the pride of West Bend West High School in West Bend, Wisconsin, just had a great chance to send everyone home happy, but couldn't get a clean shot off. That would have blown the roof off of the Verizon Center. You would have found pieces of red t-shirts all over Chinatown. 3-3 Tied.

19:30- That leads directly to a crazy break from Crosby where he tried to skate in on Varly but the Iron Curtain (another new nickname) turned him away. As he was going passed Varly, Crosby did the classy thing and kind of punched him in the face, ripping off his helmet. That Crosby's like school on Sundays: no class. 3-3 Tied.

19:30- I think we have a 'Crosby Sucks' chant from the fans in the Phone Booth. It's about time. 3-3 Tied.

18:31- Yeah, that's a pretty easy tripping penalty call on the Jurcina. It was also a really smart penalty to take because Malkin had a great scoring opportunity if Jurcina hadn't tripped him up. Time for the scariest power play of the playoffs. 3-3 Tied.

16:32- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not again! Another overtime goal that goes in off of a Capitals defenseman? Really? Malkin will get credit for the goal, but it's really Poti who deserves the credit, perfectly banking it off of his stick to beat Varly five-hole. Dagger. Daggerdaggerdaggerdagger. I can't believe that's the play on which this series will turn. Another 'own' goal from the Capitals, only this one came at home. Penguins Win, 4-3 in OT.

Watching the Penguins celebrate on the ice and watching the Capitals stare on in disbelief, I wouldn't be surprised if the Pens just pound the Caps in Game Six. Think about it. The Penguins are at home, they have all the momentum in the world, their fans will be going crazy and honestly, how do you come back from a game like this? You saw the stats. More than 80% of teams that win Game Five go on to win the series. It's a fact. It's science. It didn't have to be this way, either. If Varly had gotten any help (any help AT ALL) from his defenders, the Caps would have won 3-2 and would have at least had a shot to win the series in Game 7 back at the Verizon Center. I don't think that's going to happen.

Just so we don't end on a bad note, Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg have a way to make you smile.

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/digital-short-motherlover/1099491/

Lazy Friday: Pens Out-Hustle Caps for Game 4 Win

2009-05-08T16:31:00.000-07:00

When America Online took Al Gore's internet idea and made it more user-friendly and relatively idiot-proof, I used to come home from school (we're talking 1995 or so) and go into the sports chat rooms. My favorite game was to go into the Denver Broncos room, pretend to be a fan and then describe vile acts that John Elway did with the livestock on his ranch. It wouldn't take long for the 'Guide Guy' to pop a window up on my screen and warn me about my language. I'd tell him to screw himself and I'd get kicked offline. I was 13 and thought I was easily the funniest man alive.

What does that have to do with this series? I never took it as far as one Pittsburgh Penguins fan did this week, when they said they were going to kill Alexander Ovechkin and they didn't care what happened to them. Yeah, you put that sort of stuff out on the interweb and the federales will track you down. We've come a long way since the 'Guide Guy.'

On to Game Four!

FIRST PERIOD

19:24- Nicklas Backstrom just made Marc-Andre Fleury look absolutely silly and it wasn't even because he put on a decent move or used great stick-handling. Backstrom just somehow managed to go 5-hole from 35 feet out to put the Caps up 1-0. Right between the wickets. I'll say this about Fleury: you never feel like you're completely out of it... when you're going against him. 1-0 Caps.

16:05- Gonchar is still good at hockey, right? I mean, this is a known fact that he is still a decent player and you have to check him? Because the Caps don't seem to think so. Gonchar just managed to stroll (if you can do that on skates) deep into the Washington zone and rip a wrister by Varly (bad goal) to tie it up. The Caps just treated Gonchar like a homeless guy who wandered onto the ice. Or a dog that started humping a stranger's leg. 'Just let him do his thing and he'll be on his way.' 1-1 Tied.

14:55- Are we sure Fleury isn't actually a fan who won some sort of 'Goalie for a Game' contest down at a Primanti Bros. sandwich shop? Sergei Federov just fired a slap shot off of the post that caromed back his way on the right side of the ice, but Fleury completely lost track of it and completely TURNED HIS BACK on Federov as he looked for the puck on the opposite side of the ice. Good times. 1-1 Caps.

9:35- Who are you and what have you done with Marc-Andre Fleury? The Pens goaltender just foiled what would have been a highlight-worthy pass and score from Erskine to Sergei Federov, stopping Federov with a nasty glove save. I miss the old Fleury. That guy that would have somehow lost his stick and tried to block the puck with his face. 1-1 Tied.

9:13- Bill Guerin just cleaned up Sidney Crosby's mess of a scoring opportunity when he lifted a rebound effort home over an outstretched Varly. Of course, the whole thing was set up by lazy passing from the Capitals, but Varly should get a ton of credit for stopping one of the elite goal scorers in the league (Crosby) on multiple, point-blank efforts. Too bad Guerin ruined it. 2-1 Penguins.

8:22- Emrick pretty much sums up everyone's feelings so far, "marvelous chaos, already." I don't know about you, but I don't use 'marvelous' enough in my D2D (that's day to day). 2-1 Penguins.

6:15- We get this gem from our broadcasting crew: "you can hold your own stick, but you can't hold the other guys." Such is life. Caps on the power play after Brooks Orpik committed the penalty officially called "holding the stick." Michael Scott of Scranton, PA, loves this. 2-1 Penguins.

5:05- That's one way to get the crowd to warm up to you. Ovechkin just spun Gonchar around in the air thanks to a leg-on-leg hit. Great, now Crosby's talking to the referee, no doubt complaining about something. Here's the thing these mouth-breathers in Pittsburgh need to understand: it's HOCKEY. Collisions happen and as Emrick reminds us: "I guess you don't get into this line of work if you're looking to avoid collisions, right?" He said it. 2-1 Penguins.

4:35- Varly has officially turned into a pumpkin. Ruslan Fedotenko just fired a wrister directly at Varlamov's glove from about 40 feet out and Varly couldn't stop it. The kid's finally playing like a 21-year-old who is wayyyyy over his skis. 3-1 Penguins.

4:12- Wait, how do the Penguins still have a power play right now? I know they just scored a 4-on-4 goal, but doesn't that mean the Caps get a player back out on the ice? Our venerable Versus announcers need to understand hockey neophytes like myself are actually watching hockey on television again and may have forgotten (or never known) all of the rules. 3-1 Penguins.

1:13- Feeding off of their crowd, the Penguins are out-hitting the Capitals every chance they get and after a particularly illegal-looking 2-on-1 hit on Shaone Morrisonn alon gthe boards, I'm beginning to wonder what you have to do to get whistled for a penalty. Apparently you have to wear a Capitals jersey? 3-1 Penguins.

0:22.1- Finally! Malkin gets whistled for elbowing and the Caps should have a power play to start the second period, something the Penguins have managed to do an alarming number of times so far this series. 3-1 Penguins.

0:07.4- How did that not go in?!?! Ovechkin just had a great look from the right post as Fleury and Rob Scuderi went to the ice during a scrum in the crease, but somehow the puck stayed out. Upon further review, it's because Fleury was in the net. Is that legal? Because it doesn't seem like it should be. 3-1 Penguins.

INTERMISSION-

Brian Engblom and his tri-toned hair weave tells us Sergei Gonchar will be sorely missed by the Pittsburgh Penguins if he misses any length of time due to injury. Oh, you think so, doctor? You think a guy who has already scored a goal tonight and helped keep Ovechkin in check is someone the Penguins might miss? Thanks for the insight.

SECOND PERIOD-

20:00- As Emrick reminds us, the team to score first has lost the first three games of this series. Nice omen to bring up as the Caps open up the second period on the power play. 3-1 Penguins.

18:07- Federov just committed a great penalty (if there is such a thing), made up for his own mistake, and probably saved a goal in the process. After his bad pass led to a turnover, Federov lost his stick but managed to track down Malkin (who had just come out of the penalty box) and shove him from behind to stop a 2-on-1 break. Penguins on the power play, but it could have been much worse. 3-1 Penguins.

16:07- Caps kill another power play and Varly looked good doing it. He stopped a Malkin slap shot and put himself in a great position to get just enough of a Chris Kunitz deflection and send it off of the post. Varly needs a clean period here (don't we all, ladies?) to get his confidence back. 3-1 Penguins.

15:11- I freely admit I might not know enough about hockey to legitimately complain about the referees, but this is getting ridiculous. Pittsburgh's Matt Cooke just tripped Ovechkin in transition, but there was no call. Emrick: "Capitals fans would think he was tripped there." Ummm... because he was? 3-1 Penguins.

13:11- WHAT?!?! I'm about as animated as I've ever been during a hockey game and it's because these referees are killing me. Crosby just kind of fell to his knees in transition after a slight (and I do mean slight) check from Backstrom, but whether he played it up or because of the name on the back of his jersey, Crosby got the call and the Penguins have themselves a power play. I have a beef with this call only because if you're going to whistle Backstrom for interference, then Ovie should have gotten the tripping call from Matt Cooke two minutes ago. 3-1 Penguins.

12:13- Another gem from our color commentator: "the problem for Washington is they're taking too many penalties." Really? Really?!? Or could it be the referees have been horrible tonight? 3-1 Penguins.

11:11- Caps kill the penalty and Versus just put up a side-by-side fullscreen comparison of Ovechkin and Crosby's stats. Ovie leads in goals (5-4), Shots (29-17), Hits (15-4) and Testicles (3-2). Impressive. 3-1 Penguins.

10:12- Wait, a Penguin just got called for a penalty? Are you sure? I didn't even know it was possible. Caps on the power play. 3-1 Penguins.

8:09- Annnnnnd... we're back to normal. Literally three seconds after the Capitals' power play ended, Todd Fleischmann gets whistled for cross checking. It's almost like these referees are under orders to extend this series or something. Hmm.... 3-1 Penguins.

4:52- Chris Clark pulls the Caps to within one, but Mike Green is the guy who's going to make the highlight reels tonight. His stickhandling through the seam just embarrassed two Penguins, then his wrister went off of the post before Clark managed to poke home the rebound. One of the prettiest assists you'll see and the Caps finally have a pulse. 3-2 Penguins.

2:51- Ovechkin just put a solid hit on Malkin and the referees actually let it go. I know, I'm recovering from shock as I write this. 3-2 Penguins.

0:00.0- That might have been the worst, most indecisive power play I've seen the Capitals have all postseason. Ovechkin hardly handled the puck at all, and Semin and Backstrom looked like they were playing keep away. How can you just waste a playoffs power play like that? Ugghhh. 3-2 Penguins.

INTERMISSION-

Brian Engblom and the technicolor head of lettuce has a little piece of advice for Pittsburgh: keep an eye on Alexander Ovechkin during a power play. Because, you know, Ovie's pretty good. So you're saying you should keep an eye on a team's best scorer during a power play?

THIRD PERIOD-

19:24- Annnd the Capitals are now 0-for-4 on the power play tonight. Add that little stat to the fact Ovechkin has been MIA for most of the night and this thing shouldn't even be as close as it is. 3-2 Penguins.

16:53- When both announcers agree Orpik "got away with one there" I think the referees have a problem. There shouldn't be any 'getting away' with anything in the playoffs. Playoff hockey deserves playoff announcers. And when Orpik grabs Semin, holds him, then spins him around and pulls him to the ice... BLOW THE WHISTLE! 3-2 Penguins.

15:44- Ballgame. Or puck-game. Or whatever you call it in hockey when there is still time left on the clock, but the game is effectively over. Miroslav Satan and Crosby just worked a perfect 2-on-1 break where John Erskine knew Satan was going to give it up to Crosby, but Satan somehow threaded in a perfect pass for Crosby to stick home. Looking at the replay, the pass actually went through Erskine's legs. Why wouldn't it? Puck-game. 4-2 Penguins.

15:44- I'm sorry, but looking at replays of the goal, it's obvious Crosby's teammates don't like him as much as Ovechkin's teammates like Ovie. When Ovechkin scores, there is genuine emotion coming from his teammates. They're happy for him. When Crosby just scored the game-clinching goal in the playoffs, his teammates looked like they were celebrating with him because they had to. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'. 4-2 Penguins.

15:30- Enough! Enough with the penalties. The Penguins are already up two goals at home, we don't need any more of these one-sided calls. Thanks, we're all set. We'll just take the check, please. 4-2 Penguins.

13:37- Now wait just one second, don't pack up the bus just yet. Milan Jurcina just ripped home a slap shot from out near the blue line to bring the Caps back to within one. Orpik is complaining because he says he was pushed into the net, but that didn't seem to bother Pittsburgh when it helped block an Ovechkin flurry just before the end of the first period. Can't have it both ways, Orpik (what kind of a name is 'Orpik' anyway? An electronic toothbrush?). 4-3 Penguins.

13:09- A few Pittsburgh-level celebrities in attendance: Nick Nolte, John Kerry and Mike Tomlin (graduate of William & Mary). Here's how they rank in terms of how much I'd like to have a beer with them: 1) Tomlin, 2) Nolte, 953) Kerry. 4-3 Penguins.

11:17- Great sequence for Varlamov. Save after deflection after save after misdirection. Where has this been all night? How can he do this and not stop weak wristers from more than 30 feet out? Is it a style thing? I don't get it. 4-3 Penguins.

9:37- Only two shots on goal from Ovechkin. Two. I may not know much about hockey, but I know that won't get the job done. 4-3 Penguins.

5:14- Puck-game. Max Talbot, after getting stoned by Varly a minute ago on a highlight reel save, beats Varlamov stickside on the breakaway. Color Commentator guy agrees: "that one looked stoppable, too." I couldn't agree more. 5-3 Penguins.

1:42- Even with an empty net, the Caps can't get anything going. If it's possible (it's definitely dangerous) to sleepwalk on ice, the Caps have done it all night. It's like the coaching staff got together before the game and decided they'd keep Ovechkin rested for Saturday night and just get back to D.C. with the series tied at 2-2. 5-3 Penguins.

0:00.0- (siiiiiiigh) Penguins win, 5-3.

I get the distinct impression the Caps took a night off and if that's the case, I don't get it. I really don't. Ovechkin was ineffective (an understatement) and really the only thing he contributed was possibly putting Gonchar out of commission for Game 5. I really got the impression the Capitals coaching staff decided they would be content with a 2-2 series tie heading back to D.C. and that's a dangerous way to make a living in the playoffs. Why not go all-out and try to go up 3-1 with a chance to end it at the Verizon Center? Why not do whatever you can to step on the throats of a ridiculously dangerous and talented team (like, say, the Penguins?) when you're up 2-0 in the series?

Instead, the Penguins have all the momentum in the world heading into Game 5 and the Caps are in serious danger of losing home ice advantage. I'd also like to thank the schedulers at the NHL for not giving these two teams a travel day between Games 4 and 5. Thanks a ton. Now we get to watch two worn-out teams play sloppy hockey (on Versus, no less) in what really should be the best series of the playoffs. It isn't hard to see why hockey isn't more popular.

I know this is probably obvious, but I'll say it: whoever wins Game 5 wins this series. The sad part for the Caps is it didn't have to be that way.

Caps Get 'Owned': Pens Grab Game 3 Win

2009-05-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

I did an interview with the Fox Sports Radio affiliate Tuesday afternoon where we spent the entire block talking about this series. Twenty minutes, all hockey. That's up there on the list of things I never thought I'd do, just below get the chance to slap Bob Saget in the face and just above throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. The weird thing was... it wasn't weird. We talked about this series, my hatred of Crosby and my love of Ovechkin, and one of the hosts, Adam Mendelson, brought up a great point.

I was kind of making fun of the fact that Crosby's hat trick in Game 2 was 'cheap,' in that he was on the doorstep for all three goals and kind of took advantage of Varlamov's inability to corral a loose puck. He said people used to say the same thing about Cal Ripken, Jr., and how he managed to maintain a ridiculous fielding percentage despite not having a ton of range. Ripken said something to the effect of, "well, I always put myself in good position so I don't need to have a good range. I'm always where I'm supposed to be." Such is Crosby, apparently. A hat trick (in the playoffs) is a hat trick (IN THE PLAYOFFS). I get it.

I still kind of want to punch him.

On to Game Three!

PRE-GAME-
Jack Bauer opens up Versus' broadcast with an ominous-sounding, 'The following is a presentation... of the National Hockey League.' Taking place between 7pm and 10pm.

Mike Emrick and Daryl Reaugh open things up from the Igloo with Reaugh quickly submitting his entry into the Broadcasters wing of the 'That's What She Said Hall of Fame.' He calls Ovechkin a 'wicked one-timer and a volume shooter' and says Crosby is all about 'second whacks, third whacks, hammering home opportunities.' A very immature guy sitting in my living room and typing on my computer is giggling.

Versus' Chris Simpson scores an interview with Pittsburgh Head Coach Dan Bylsma who, contrary to his in-game performance, is not dead. He's been about as animated as a Weekend at Bernie's remake, and pretty much calls out Evgeni Malkin as a guy who needs to step up if the Pens are going to avoid getting swept.

I'm slowly starting to fall in love with the unintentional comedy of the Versus Hockey Central Pre-Game Report, if only because of Brian Engblom's hair. It's a weird kind of thinning, back-hair transplant where the top is 4 shades lighter (an unsettling strawberry blonde) than the sides. When you first look at it, you'd think it's a toupee, but that's impossible because no one would intentionally put something that disgusting on top their head.

Switching gears from disgusting to tasty delicious, my fiancee and I decided to bring a taste of D.C. home for Game 3: Five Guys Burgers and Fries. This place is spreading across the country like Swine Flu, but any place that has Washingtonian Magazine covers and Washington Post restaurant reviews on its walls (in Tampa), knows where its bread is buttered. In case you're interested, Little Bacon Cheeseburger with Mayo, Ketchup, Mustard, Lettuce, Tomato, Jalapenos, and Barbecue Sauce, with a regular order of Cajun Style fries. Out-freaking-standing.

FIRST PERIOD-

20:00- We start with our two stars on the bench. Malkin's line opens things up for Pittsburgh while Steckel's line starts for Washington. So far in this series, Steckel's line has out-played Malkin's, but I think that'll change tonight. I'm expecting a big game from Malkin.

18:37- What the hell just happened?!?! The Caps are up 1-0 because Fleury somehow lost his stick and tried to block an Ovechkin one-timer (off of a room service backboards bounce) with his body. That's never going to work. What the hell was Fleury doing? The Igloo is silent and for good reason. Ovechkin's 8th goal of the playoffs, and his third straight game with a goal. It's the first time in the series the Caps have scored first, they've taken the crowd out of it, and we're only 1:23 in. 1-0 Caps.

16:09- Another gem from our color commentator, Daryl Reaugh. He wants to see more composure out of Pittsburgh because right now, "it's a little scrambly wambly." Is that a technical hockey term? 1-0 Caps.

15:38- Miroslav Satan (not pronounced the way you'd think) just had a great scoring chance for Pittsburgh but couldn't cash in. Varly made a nice save, but he's doing something that I find annoying as a non-hockey die-hard. Don't you want your goalie to catch the puck instead of just deflecting it back out? He just kind of swatted Satan's wrister, but he deflected it right back to him, giving Satan a second shot. Is that something that just gets better with experience or is it a style thing or what? Because that's hurt Varly in his playoff baptism thus far. 1-0 Caps.

10:52- Nicklas Backstrom just came darn close to pulling off one of my favorite moves in hockey: the wrap-around goal where you come in from one side, go behind the goal, then try to tuck the puck in the other side of the net. Backstrom's momentum carried just a little too far away from the goal because it was there and he just missed. That's the second time Fleury's been wayyyy out of position. And yes, this is the kind of hard-hitting hockey insight that you can expect from this blog. 1-0 Caps.

10:22- We have our first power play opportunity for the Caps. Versus tells us so far this series, the Caps are 2 for 7 when they have the advantage and I have no idea whether that's good or not. I do know, because I went to college, that they have been unsuccessful on 5 of their last 7 power plays. You're welcome. 1-0 Caps.

8:07- Daryl Reaugh tells us you should be careful trying to make a 50-foot pass into your box. That sounds like it's a safety tip for the ladies, as well. 1-0 Caps.

7:12- Now the Penguins have their first power play opportunity of the night. I don't have specific numbers, but I remember thinking the Caps did a great job killing power plays during Games 1 and 2. Now I have the stats: Pens are 2 for 10 in this series. Not good. 1-0 Caps.

5:12- Caps kill the power play (again) and I've just killed my burger and every last one of my fries. Starting in on my fiance's fries.... now. 1-0 Caps.

2:57- "Just a nightmare opening period for him" says Reaugh about Fleury. That might be an understatement considering how Fleury is playing like a kid the Pens just pulled out of a street hockey league in Aurora, Illinois. Car... Game On! 1-0 Caps.

2:11- Varly 1, Malkin 0. A Caps turnover just gave 'Gino' (as the Penguins fans keep chanting) just had a borderline breakaway on Varlamov and the V-Train just told him the kitchen was closed... no more cookies. Really a poor attempt from Malkin. What's wrong with this guy? Isn't he a Hart Trophy finalist? 1-0 Caps.

0:25.9- Wow. If they awarded points for stickwork or individual effort, Crosby would have just padded his stat sheet. Sid just pulled off a video game type of move, carved up the Capitals transition defense, then came close to creating another one of his 'ugly' goals before Milan Jurnica took a delay of game penalty for dislodging the net, easily the smartest penalty of the series so far. 1-0 Caps.

0:0.7- Another ridiculous save from Varlamov as he stopped Kris Letang just before the horn. Pittsburgh ripped off a slap shot after time expired but apparently that's not a penalty even though these hard rubber pucks go about 100mph. Whatever. 1-0 Caps.

INTERMISSION-

I'll go ahead and say The Hangover has now achieved 'Must See' status for me this summer. If you've laughed even a little bit at the commercials aired during this series, you have to check out the full trailer. Mike Tyson at the end made me pee a little.

SECOND PERIOD-

20:00- Pittsburgh starts the period on the power play and the Pens must have downed some 5-hour energy drinks or the Weekend at Bernie's stand-in (Pittsburgh's coach, Dan Bylsma) gave a monster inspirational speech because Pittsburgh's playing quicker and sharper than they did in the first period. 1-0 Caps.

18:25- Apparently that energy didn't mean anything because the Caps just killed their second power play of the night. I obviously know nothing about hockey. 1-0 Caps.

17:02- In addition to Varly and Me, Mike Emrick informs us the Capitals have a stud goalie waiting down at the AHL level who is unbeaten in the AHL playoffs. Understatement of the series comes courtesy of Reaugh, "yeah, the Caps are fairly deep at the position." Translation: Jose Theodore's agent might want to start working the phones. 1-0 Caps.

13:28- Reaugh says the Penguins have gone to a different level with their intensity. I made that same observation 6 minutes ago. *Sniff. 1-0 Caps.

12:03- Reaugh says this is, "starting to turn into a battle of sandpaper versus vasilinity." You can't make this stuff up. For the record, I choose vasilinity. Every time. 1-0 Caps.

10:31- At first I thought it was just a great puck fake, but it turns out Pittsburgh's Ruslan Fedotenko just got a crazy lucky bounce off of Milan Jurcina on a 2-on-1 break to beat Varly gloveside. If I didn't know better, I'd think Jurcina tried to bank it to Fedotenko because that bounce couldn't have been any better. 1-1 Tied.

9:55- We have our stupid retaliation penalty of the game, courtesy of Washington's Mike Green. He gets caught slashing and gives the Penguins a power play less than 1 minute after they scored their first goal of the game. Awesome. 1-1 Tied.

7:02- The hits keep coming. Sergei Federov is down and he's acting like he's been shot. It looks like he twisted his wrist or hand when he was kind of locked up with Hal Gill. No big deal. The Caps can obviously win without one of the best scorers of the last 10 years. Right? 1-1 Tied.

3:47- Nifty sequence for Varly. Crosby out-hustled three Capitals to a loose puck in the corner, made a great pass to Satan who tried from the left point then grabbed his rebound and tried a wraparound back to the right side but Varly was sitting there waiting for by the time Satan made it around. Don't let goalies fool you. They may not have to move a great distance, but they still have to be quick. 1-1 Tied.

0:43.6- You're damn right Varly just got called for slashing. What's the penalty for jumping on a goalie and trying to rip his mask off? Is that not in the rule book? Because that's exactly what Evgeni 'Geno' Malkin just tried to do. Ohh... but the refs missed that and caught the retaliation instead. Come on. 1-1 Tied.

INTERMISSION-

Decision time. Our DVR (courtesy of the lovely folks over at Brighthouse Networks) only lets you DVR two things at the same time, but if you do that, you then can't watch a third. Which means our plans of watching the game while recording American Idol and Lost are going to have to change. Who gets dropped? That's right. Lost. Probably because this has been my least favorite season, but most likely because I'm genuinely interested in who gets voted off of American Idol and couldn't care any less about how any of the fringe characters on Lost came to be how they are today. I know J.J. Abrams has been busy with the Star Trek movie, but is it too much to ask to ADVANCE THE #$$%&-ING Lost STORYLINE?!?!

THIRD PERIOD-

20:00- Shocker. The Penguins open up the third period on a power play. There has to be some kind of record for 'Number of Times a Team Started a Period on a Power Play In a Single Series.' If so, the Penguins are threatening that record. If not, then I have too much time on my hands. 1-1 Tied.

16:56- Great graphic showing how little Ovechkin's been able to do tonight: he only has two shots on the night. Sure he has one goal, but Fleury gift-wrapped it for him. Two shots and we're into the third period. Not good times. 1-1 Tied.

15:34- VARLY! Another ridiculous sequence for Varly where he makes a dumb move and doesn't properly clear the puck, has it stolen by Pascal Dupuis, stops a shot from Petr Sykora then dives back to his left to stop Dupuis. That's about the fourth time he's just owned Dupuis tonight. Dupuis needs to start calling Varlamov, 'Sir.' 1-1 Tied.

15:06- Ovechkin heads to the Sin Bin for two minutes thanks to a pretty awesome shove on Crosby where he put Clark Kent into the post. As long as the Caps kill this penalty, it was all worth it. Crosby kind of reminds me of Alex Rodriguez in terms of likability. 1-1 Tied.

13:06- Despite having Crosby, Malkin and Sergei Gonchar on the same line during a power play, the Penguins can't push one across. They're now 0-for-5 on the advantage tonight. If I'm a Pittsburgh fan, first I'm brushing my teeth, second I'm scratching my head. 1-1 Tied.

8:12- I had to pause it to make sure I got all this down because that last sequence was outstanding. Ovechkin lays someone out (don't care enough to go back and see exactly who) along the boards in the Washington zone, puck moves ahead to Malkin at the red line, Malkin then carves and stickworks (not a verb, I know) his way through the Capitals defense by going backwards between his legs (!), then fires a great pass that leads to a fantastic opportunity for Bill Guerin right on the doorstep... but Varly turns it away. Wow. 1-1 Tied.

5:50- As Malkin draws a penalty, we get a shot of his parents in the stands. His Dad looks like a much older, cape-less version of the Count from Sesame Street. His mother looks like Andre the Giant's younger sister with a bad dye job. 1-1 Tied.

4:59- The Millennium Falcon scores to put Pittsburgh up for the first time since the second period of Game 2. Great goal, too. Nice move to get to the middle of the zone, then fires a left-handed wrister that beats Varly top shelf (love getting to type that). Varly never had a chance with Bill Guerin standing in the crease, but whatever. Nice shot of Malkin's mom celebrating in the stands, asking everyone around her if they want a peanut. 2-1 Penguins.

2:28- Caps get their second power play of the night after Dupuis gets whistled for interference. How have the Penguins had 6 power plays and the Caps are just now getting their second? Is this common in hockey? 2-1 Penguins.

1:50- That didn't take long. Backstrom banks it in off of Fleury and the Caps knot things up at 2 apiece. Ovechkin drew a crazy amount of attention from the Pittsburgh defenders, he almost acted like a decoy. Just a bad night for Fleury. I don't know what the numbers look like, but Varly has to have faced at least 10 more shots and hasn't made too many boneheaded plays. Looks like we're headed to overtime. 2-2 Tied.

0:00.0- We are.

INTERMISSION-

It may have taken me way too long, but I just realized the 'FreeCreditReport.com' guys are lip-syncing. Their parents must be really proud.

19:03- Versus finally put up the shots on goal graphic. Penguins have 34, Capitals have 18. Varly's a warrior and he's not getting too much help from his teammates. 2-2 Tied.

17:45- Brian Pothier gets whistled for a really stupid penalty, firing a puck into the stands in your own zone. It's a delay of game penalty and gives the Penguins a power play, at home, in overtime, in the playoffs. Great penalty Pothier. 2-2 Tied.

15:40- Another insane sequence for Varly. He gets piled on by his own teammates as well as a few Penguins, loses his stick, has to stop a Gonchar slap shot and another sweet penetration move from Malkin (who doesn't like a sweet penetration move?), all while sitting down or diving around on the ice. This guy is amazing. 2-2 Tied.

10:53- Crosby definitely reminds me of Alex Rodriguez now as he's complaining to one of the referees about why a penalty wasn't called on Jurcina for a nice hit he put on Clark Kent a minute ago. How about because it's hockey and that stuff happens? I'm just guessing. 2-2 Tied.

8:37- Really? REALLY?!?! That's how this ends? With a borderline own goal courtesy of what looked like a re-direct try from Shaone Morrisonn? They'll give the goal to Kris Letang because he fired the lame wrister, but Morrisonn should get credit because Varly was in position only to have the re-direct scoot past him and just inside the post. Just a criminal ending considering how well Varly played (39 saves), and how little help he got from his teammates (the Caps managed only 23 shots on goal). 3-2 Penguins win in OT.

After Game 2, I thought the Caps would lose Game 3. I thought the Penguins would come out focused, determined, and with their home crowd behind them, I thought the Caps might 'take a game off' and gear up to take a 3-1 series lead in Game 4. But when Washington got that gimme goal in the first period, I thought the Caps might steal one and effectively end the series tonight. Now Caps fans have to worry about a hangover in Game 4 and if the Penguins even up the series Friday night, you have to worry about the Caps playing tight and the Penguins having all the momentum for Game 5 back at the Verizon Center.

Either way, hockey fans in general will be treated to at least a five-game series which is great for the game. Caps fans should just hope this thing wraps up on Saturday night in D.C.

Russian Revolution: Caps Take Game Two

2009-05-04T19:32:00.000-07:00

I caught myself laughing during a commercial break early in NBC's broadcast of Game One on Saturday when they ran the usual disclaimer of how the "the pictures, descriptions and accounts of this game cannot be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the National Hockey League." Uhh... not going to be a problem.

It's the NHL! Who are they trying to kid? That's like a 70-year-old woman at a casino telling you not to take advantage of her just because she's been drinking. Thanks, I think I'll be able to restrain myself. With the way the league has been run into the ground over the last 10 years, the NHL should be so lucky to have anyone even consider reproducing anything the game put on the air (if they could even find it on Versus in the first place).

(Quick note about Versus: their first commercial break during the Game Two pre-game show included ads for Polaris ATVs, the Indy 500 Time Trials, and Evinrude boat engines. Ladies and gentlemen... Versus!)

Again, I have to preface everything by saying I'm not the biggest hockey fan in the world, but I'm learning. And that should say a lot about this series: it MAKES me want to be a better hockey fan. This series... completes me.

To me, the biggest difference between Crosby and Ovechkin came through during their pre-game interviews. Crosby was asked about how he felt he was playing and he said he'd like to put home a few more scoring opportunities but overall was happy with his performance. In that situation, I think you say something like, 'it doesn't matter how I'm playing if we don't win. I won't be satisfied with my performance unless we're winning.' But that's just how I roll.

Ovechkin, on the other hand, did it right. He was asked who he felt was the most underrated player on the Caps and he named what he called the 'Checking Line' (I'm going to start calling it Steckel's Line), but then went on to list everyone else on the team (including Varly). That's how it's done.

Before Game One, NBC's Mike Milbury questioned whether Ovechkin was fully healthy and whether he had the energy to lead the Caps through what promised to be a difficult series. Game Two will (hopefully) shut him up. Ovechkin's motor was pushing red the whole game. Three minutes in, he put a huge hit on Matt Cooke (for the second time this series), then had to be separated from Tyler Kennedy after a little more than five minutes.

Pittsburgh, meanwhile, looked like they were trying to play the Caps a little more physically. I think in hockey (again, basing this on absolutely zero knowledge whatsoever), it's important to try to set a tone in Game Two because you're so busy spending the first game trying to feel each other out. The Penguins tried to be bullies (a little bit) in Game Two and it didn't work because a) Ovechkin won't be bullied, and b) Crosby is too much of a finessey bitch to bully anyone.

But I'll give the Pens credit for the physical strategy because it paid off early. Brooks Orpik went after the crotch (weird, Opik's from San Francisco) of Alexander Semin on a little scrap, but Semin ended up with roughing and high-sticking penalties while Orpik just got a roughing penalty. What happens? Clark Kent scores on the doorstep after Varly couldn't come up with a rebound. Pittsburgh gets a rare power play goal. Awesome.

As much as I love to watch Ovechkin play, I'm really starting to appreciate what Dave Steckel is doing for the Caps. Close to 10 minutes in, he took a perfect outlet pass from Brian Pothier and drew a penalty on Kris Letang after he just went Happy Gilmore-style into Marc Andre Fleury. Steckel's always going to be underrated as long as he suits up with Ovie, but he's really fun to watch. When he scored to tie things up at 2 in the second period, you could see Ovie appreciates him, as well. Ovechkin's celebration on the bench was like a pitcher who's in the middle of a complete game gem, gets a run of support from his teammates, and that's all he needs. (A la Tom Glavine in Game Six of the 1995 World Series.... but I digress).

Now, for Alexander the Great. Allow me one more analogy. Garth Brooks had been trying to do a duet or collaboration with Jimmy Buffet for years, even during his heyday of the early 1990's. But there was a problem: no one liked Garth. He had a reputation of being tough to work with, a little bit of a diva, and Jimmy Buffet didn't necessarily want to go out of his way to work with someone like that. Along came guys like Alan Jackson, Kenny Chesney and Georget Strait, however, and Jimmy Buffett was back on the radio with new music again. I guess what I'm saying is, talent recognizes talent.

How does this relate to Great 8? LeBron James may not know a lot about hockey, but he knows talent. That's why he and Ovie have a budding friendship and why they've exchanged signed jerseys. You don't see Bron-Bron doing that with Crosby, and even though I have no info to back this up, I'm willing to be it's because no one likes Crosby (ok, that's probably just me).

Ovechkin's first goal came off of some outstanding passing from Viktor Kozlov and Sergei Federov. His second and third goals came off of his God-blessed hockey stick. He beat Fleury stickside (again) for his second goal, then beat him again on a just-flat-out-unfair gloveside wrister on the break, with Sergei Gonchar acting as a Chef on South Park-style human shield. As soon as that one left his stick, everyone in the Verizon Center thought the same thing: "Ballgame." Or was it, "puck game?" I can't tell with hockey.

My fiance, who knows more about hockey because she grew up in New England and was good friends with Mike Milbury's daughter (they were soccer co-captains at Exeter), saw Ovie beat Fleury for his third goal and asked out loud, "was Fleury even paying attention?" I was thinking the same thing until I saw the replay. Gonchar set a visual pick and Fleury didn't have a chance.

Crosby tacked on a sloppy goal to complete his hat trick (does it even count when he was in the crease for two of those goals?), but it proved harmless as the Caps took a solid 2-0 series lead. It's too early to call it a 'commanding' lead, because let's be honest, Pittsburgh is talented enough to win the next two in the Igloo and then it's a 3 game series. But for now, Ovie's healthy and playing some of his best hockey of the season at the best time, the Steckel line is stepping up big time, and Varly's growing up before our eyes.

I tell you this: I won't laugh at the next NHL "expressed, written consent" warning. This series might actually be worth saving.

Caps-Penguins Game One Running Diary

2009-05-02T10:03:00.001-07:00

Pre-Game- Our pre-game announcers, Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury, are rinkside in a darkened Verizon Center and they already have to shout to be heard because the Phone Booth is rockin'. Love it. I'm not even a devout hockey fan and I love it. That place has been an overpriced tomb (with the exception of a few concerts) since it opened. I tried to look up whether the Caps had moved before their Stanley Cup run in 1998, but the History Page on the Caps website was laughably underwritten. Let's face it: the 'Skins aren't good any more, the Wizards are terrible and the Nats are a chunky sack of whale period. The Capitals are the only hope of one of the best sports cities in the country.

But Milbury says he's worried about the health of Alexander Ovechkin because he didn't look right in the Rangers series and "wasn't his same, ebullient self" during practice yesterday. I'd be willing to bet my car that Ovechkin doesn't know what 'ebullient' means. Milbury seems to suggest he's going to get to the bottom of this and figure out if Ovechkin is really hurt or just 'playing rope a dope' with the Penguins. So we have an SAT word and a Muhammad Ali reference in the span of 25 seconds? Who is this guy?

Simeon Varlamov between the pipes for the Caps and I had no idea how big this guy was during the Rangers series. 4-2 record (after Jose Theodore looked like an ECHL goalie in Game 1), a nasty 1.17 goals allowed average and two shutouts. How old is Varlamov? Just turned 21. It's crap like that that makes me feel like I've accomplished zippy in my life.

FIRST PERIOD-

19:14- Nicklas Backstrom brings up a question I have every time I watch hockey. Backstrom went up and caught a loose puck with his hand, then dropped it in front of him. Is this one of those things that's allowed in hockey, but is kind of looked down on? Like a bush league move in baseball? I have no idea, but it looks like it would annoy me if I played hockey.

15:51- Crosby. Dammit. Clark Kent beats Varlamov glove side after faking Washington's Brian Pothier out of his skates. Skating left, then firing back right. Pittsburgh has dominated the first 4+ minutes of this game, keeping the puck in Washington's zone nearly the entire time. Could be a long day for the Caps if they keep this up. 1-0 Penguins.

11:06- Our first non-goal-related stoppage in play. We're more than 9 minutes in and the Caps still don't have a shot on goal. You might say to yourself, 'wait, I see them taking shots, how can they not have a shot on goal yet? Where else would these shots be going?' To answer you, I'd probably laugh and pat you on the head and say something condescending like, 'That's cute. You obviously don't know anything about hockey.' Then I'd admit that I don't know for sure, but I think a shot on goal is only called such a thing when it actually challenges the goalie, not when it misses everything completely and hits the glass or heads into the stands. Either way, not a good sign for the Caps.

10:15- Crosby blew a great chance for Pittsburgh all alone but couldn't figure out what he wanted do with it. After a harmless shot wide, John Erskine just drove him into the boards and took his helmet off. They do things differently in hockey.

9:26- Emrick informs us that the Penguins have outshot the Caps 7-1. Some harmless tap to Fleury counted as a shot somewhere in the last couple of minutes. Way to go Caps?

COMMERCIAL- Apparently, the NHL on NBC is heavily sponsored by the US Army. I think a lot of sports on NBC are sponsored by the Army, now that I think of it. The High School All-America game. The Olympics. The... um... what else does NBC have?

7:16- Quality penalty kill by the Caps. Penguins had three decent scoring chances by my count, but Varlamov made a couple of nice plays and the Caps defense did a decent job clogging up the middle of the ice. I'm sure there's supposed to be different terminology used, but it's hockey. I'm doing the best I can.

6:11- Scooooooooooooooore! Dave Steckel (obviously a household name) is like that guy at closing time at your neighborhood Applebee's. Mr. Right Place, Right Time. Matt Bradley threw it out in front, Fleury couldn't corral it, and Steckel came flying in to poke it home. (That's what she said). That's exactly what the Caps need to do to win this series: push the puck up the ice. Interesting to note, Ovie is the perfect guy to do this (if he's 100% healthy), and he wasn't even on the ice. 1-1 Tied.

6:11- Upon further review, Steckel beat Fleury 5-hole. Just wanted to type that.

COMMERCIAL- Correction: NBC apparently still has golf. They'll have The Players next Saturday, but I'm willing to bet it won't be sponsored by the Army.

4:46- Uh-oh... Caps on the power play after a delay of game call on former Caps great, Sergei Gonchar. Apparently, you're not allowed to just flip the puck into the stands to catch a breather. Who knew? I can't blame the guy, though. He just turned 35 and he's leading the Penguins in time on the ice. Good thing it's just a 1-game playoff. Oh wait...

3:54- Ovechkin just woke up. Ripped a nasty slap shot that actually rang off of the left post, then leveled Pittsburgh's Matt Cooke into the boards as he tried to hustle down the loose puck where he drew a penalty on Cooke for hooking. Caps have a 5 on 3, Cooke gets to hear 'your Mom got called for hooking' jokes in the penalty box.

2:57- One of my favorite lines from Wedding Crashers is when Will Ferrell compares funeral crashing to 'fishing with dynamite.' That's exactly what the Caps just didwith Ovechkin on the ice during a 5-on-3 power play. Great pass from Alexander Semin, then Ovechkin one-timed it home to beat Fleury (who was reeeeeally out of position) stick side. Ovie's fourth goal of the playoffs. Better news: Caps still have a power play. 2-1 Caps.

1:14- I love the 'Star Comparison' when they put Crosby and Ovechkin's pictures side-by-side. Crosby looks like a member of the Cobra Kai and Ovechkin looks like a sex offender.
0:12.4- Ouch. Washington's Chris Clark gets called for holding just before the first intermission. Pens get a lengthy power play to open up the second period.

0:00- 2-1 Caps as we head into the first intermission. If anything, I thought we'd be looking at a 2-1 Penguins lead, especially with the way the Caps opened up the game. Time for NBC's intermission show? Do we call it that? I know it's not halftime, but do they call it an intermission show?

NHL on NBC Intermission Report- Turns out, they don't. They call it the Intermission Report and it looks like it's Pierre McGuire (fine American-sounding name) and Mike Milbury sitting at a desk, in front of a green chyron screen. McGuire informs us you can't win in the playoffs if commit penalties and give up goals. I don't know much about hockey, but even I knew that.

SECOND PERIOD-

18:12- Another penalty kill by the Caps and this one was better than the first. You wouldn't have known who was on the power play if NBC hadn't had the graphic on the top of the screen. Great pressure from Washington, and the puck actually spent a solid amount of time in the Pittsburgh zone.

17:23- A couple of great scoring chances from the Caps. Ovechkin goes off of the post on one possession, then Fleury makes a great save with Ovie right on the doorstep. If hockey could get more popular in the United States, going having your 'shot go off the post' could be a euphamism for a guy who strikes out with a girl, but that'll probably never happen.

15:16- Nasty hit from Ovechkin on Gonchar. For some reason, our color commentator Eddie Olczyk seems to think Ovechkin should have taken it easy on a fellow Russian, which makes no sense to me. Sidenote: that hit is exactly why Ovechkin is so much more likable than Crosby to me. Ovie is an all-time great scorer, but he's not afraid to get his nose dirty and play physically. Crosby, on the other hand, plays like a pretty boy who is afraid of contact. Come on, Sid, that's not how you were raised by the Kents in Smallville.

13:31- Ok, Chris Clark. We get it. You're a bad-ass. Now please stop committing stupid penalties. Penguins on another power play courtesy of Mr. Clark and his trippy ways.

11:31- Caps kill another Pittsburgh penalty play thanks to two solid saves from Varlamov. P.S. You know who's been really quiet? Evgeni Malkin. Zero shots, 0 goals in more than 8 minutes of ice time. I probably just jinxed it, but I thought he was the real advantage for Pittsburgh coming in, but he's really been neutralized. P.P.S. I can't hear his name without thinking of the 'Star Wars' audition skit on Saturday Night Live where Kevin Spacey plays Christopher Walken reading for the Hans Solo part. "It's... the Millennium Falcon. It made the Kessel run... in 12... pahhhsegs."

7:06- Of course, Malkin just made a huge play. Stole it from Ovechkin pushed it up the ice, left it for Mark Eaton who beat (?) Varlamov glove side. The question mark is there because Eaton actually hit Varlamov's glove and it trickled home. Yes, that's what she said, but that was a really bad goal to allow by Varlamov. 2-2 Tied.

COMMERCIAL- Mother's Day is May 10th, courtesy of the guilt-trip commercial I just saw from Zale's. I love my Mom, but I'm not making the kind of coin necessary to go Mother's Day shopping at Zale's just yet.

5:13- You know how every network and every major sport does some sort of 'Sounds of the Game' segment where they mic a player up and play you his most interesting lines from the day? Yeah, they shouldn't do that with hockey. Everyone has an accent, everyone's English is spotty, and Pittsburgh's Bill Guerin just contributed these gem: "Keep your game simple" and "way to go, boys." If I'm Verizon, I'm really psyched I just paid money to sponsor that segment.

3:52- Nifty save from Varlamov, coming across to stop Petr Sykora (yeah, he's not American). Varlamov's inexperience may be the death of the Caps playoff run, but he's definitely making things interesting.

1:58- Sweet Jesus, Varlamov might have just made the best playoff save I've ever seen. Wow! Crosby and Chris Kunitz on the break, Kunitz made a great pass to Crosby streaking on the left side with an open net and Varlamov reached back and left with his stick just before the puck crossed the line. As long as this kid doesn't look like the goalie for the Hatchet Throwing Team (i.e. Norv Turner), this guy is going to be very popular with the ladies by the end of the playoffs.

0:00- Headed into the second intermission, we get this gem from Mike Emrick. Apparently, Varlamov didn't learn English until he got to his Pennsylvania team in the AHL and the first word he learned was 'awesome.' Awesome.

Pierre McGuire grabbed an interview with Clark Kent (Crosby) as he was heading into the locker room and asked how he visualized that last shot where he was stopped by Varlamov. Here's a question: how do visualize being on the wrong end of a highlight to be shown for decades to come? Then throw the word 'bitch' in there. Just for fun.

We have a report from John Hammond at Churchill Downs where the morning line favorite, I Want Revenge, has been scratched from the Kentucky Derby. First time since the '40s that the morning line favorite has been scratched on the day of the race. Meanwhile, have you noticed that just about anyone can own a horse? They just ran a soundbite from I Want Revenge's owners and they looked like they were on their way to WalMart to pick up some Milwaukee's Best and menthols.

THIRD PERIOD-

18:24- SCOOOOOORE! Great puck movement from the Caps before some guy who sounds like an accountant (Tomas Fleischmann?) picked up one of the easiest goals in his life thanks to a 2-on-1 just outside the net. Just outstanding passing from Alexander Semin and then the extra pass from Nicklas Backstrom. 3-2 Caps.

17:04- Gotta love it when the fans chant the surrendering goalie's last name. The Verizon Center is rocking with 'Fleury...Fleeeeury...Fleeeeeeury' chants.

15:31- Holding penalty on Sergei Federov gives Pittsburgh it's fourth power play of the day. It wasn't really a lazy penalty at all, it was just Federov recognizing if he didn't commit the penalty, the Penguins would have had a 2-on-1. Had to be done.

13:31- At this point, I don't even need to tell you the Caps killed the penalty. They're just playing in a higher gear than Pittsburgh right now. The Penguins look like they're the team coming off of a 7-game series.

9:20- We take a TV break because the last 4 minutes have been non-stop. Pittsburgh pushing, trying to scrap home a goal any way they can, followed by the Caps just trying to hang on. It scares me because Washington is resorting to the same passive style they used to open the game. Meanwhile, the Penguins are finally playing hard. 9:19...9:18...

P.S. Quick shot of Mario Lemieux up in the owner's box and the man looks like he could still play. I think he's also growing a playoff beard.

7:38- Another penalty on Washington! And it wasn't even close. John Erskine committed one of the most obvious tripping penalties I've ever seen and he did so right in front of a referee. Out-freaking-standing.

5:38- Caps are 5-for-5 on penalty kills and the Verizon Center crowd is going nuts. Say what you want about hockey fans (personal hygiene, jersey-wearing, etc.), they appreciate the little things like penalty kills and not just the SportsCenter stuff like goals and hits. 5:37.... 5:36...

4:10- Another ridiculous save from Varlamov, and since I'm tired of double-checking how to spell this guy's name every time he does something, the man needs a nickname. Varlamov Cocktail? V-Card? Var-Dawg? I just looked this up and his teammates apparently call him 'Varly' so that's good enough for me. Varly's playing himself into a nice little contract. Varly's going to be a rich man. 4:09... 4:08...

1:16- Pittsburgh pulls the goalie (loved typing that, too), and the Caps have to effectively kill one more power play to win it.

0:00- GAME OVER! Caps 3, Penguins 2, and for the first time ever, I wish I had tickets to a hockey series. The Phone Booth was rocking, the crowd was crazy and it's not every day you get to see a professional athlete grow before your very eyes. It looked like the red-clad crowd was making a concerted effort to keep Varly going.

Even if Ovechkin still doesn't look like he's fully healthy, he managed to match Crosby's early goal and give the Caps an early lead. I know he made a great hustle play in the second period and picked up an assist, but the Caps did a great job of keeping Malkin in check (hockey pun?). With the exception of Varly in goal for Washington, Malkin is the biggest subplot of the series. Ovechkin and Crosby are going to get theirs, and the Caps don't have an answer for Malkin in terms of star power. Washington got some great support from their secondary line (they actually ouplayed the Ovechkin line), but I don't know if you can bank on that continuing throughout the series.

None of that matters right now, though. Caps fans will take the home win and look to hold serve Monday at the Verizon Center to take a 2-0 series lead. Meanwhile, if someone wants to make Crosby eat a Mexican Pork sandwich between now and then, he probably won't fight back.

A Raider Fan Doesn't Want to Let Madden Go

2009-04-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

Boom!

It's over.

John Madden is retiring from broadcasting and while he'll be replaced by the very capable Chris Colinsworth (let's be honest, it's an upgrade considering Madden had devolved into a caricature of himself in recent years), next season isn't going to be the same. It's not a funeral and I don't know why everyone is treating Madden's retirement like the man is dying (the only thing missing from SportsCenter's coverage was when services were going to be held), but I'll admit it's not that crazy to think about mortality when you're talking about an overweight septuagenarian (he turned 73 on April 10th). And if I'm thinking about life without Madden, then you can believe Madden's thinking along the same lines.

That's why he's flipping the script and doing things his own way. After a broadcasting career that changed the way sports have been televised, Madden is even changing the way broadcasters end their careers. Harry Kalas died in the booth. Jack Buck worked a somewhat modified schedule until he was hospitalized. Ditto for Harry Caray. So Madden wants to cut down on the travel he's always hated, have some fun spending all the money he's made over the years, and enjoy a little family time at his home in Northern California. I have no problem with that.

As a matter of fact, I hope he just sticks exclusively to Northern California. Say... the Oakland area. Is it crazy to think Madden would be a great fit with the Raiders? Hear me out. If there is anyone who can keep Al Davis in check and manage to carve out a little autonomy in Raiderland, thereby restoring respectability to one of the oldest and most tradition-rich franchises in the NFL, it's Madden.

Trust me, the man still loves Raider Nation. Throughout his broadcasting career, Madden's always been deferential to the Silver & Black. Whether it was coming up with Vin Scully and Verne Lundquist during his early years in broadcasting, or through his Hall of Fame run with Pat Summerall on CBS and Fox, he really didn't get to call too many Raider games because CBS and Fox had the NFC games. But I specifically remember a Raiders-Redskins game at RFK Stadium in 1992 where Vince Evans (yep, this was during that magical post-Marinovich, pre-Hostettler Raider quarterback era) hit Tim Brown for a game-winning TD pass and Madden went crazy putting his telestrator into overdrive (that's what she said?).
(SIDENOTE: As I was doing a little research for this article, I learned that Madden was actually born in Minnesota and his family moved to California when he was little. Thank God. His father deserves a medal for that move alone. Can you imagine having to listen to Madden with a MinnesOOOta accent all these years? That would have been brutal.)

I'm not suggesting Madden should be the Raiders new head coach. I actually like Tom Cable and I think the team finally showed a little backbone last year by not packing it in and playing hard during the second half of the season. And let's be honest, Madden is 73 years old. That's in Madden years. We're talking about riding around the country on a bus sponsored by a delicious and artery-clogging restaurant (Outback Steakhouse), sitting in a booth eating press and stadium food, and making the banquet circuit years. Even if Jesus H. Christ owned the Raiders, Madden couldn't take the rigors of a full, 16-game season (he won the Coach of the Year award in 1969 when the Raiders went 12-1-1 in a 14-game regular season). These days, coaches put in 20 hour work days and sleep in their offices. It's a different league than when Madden left the sidelines after the 1978 season (the only year the Raiders failed to make the playoffs while he was in Oakland).

But it's still 11-on-11, still about identifying and acquiring the best talent, and coaches are still trying to outsmart the guy across the field from them. It's still football. And that's why Madden would make an outstanding GM or Director of Player Personnel. He still knows talent and he's always been good about identifying quality football guys (i.e. his annual 'All-Madden Team'), something the Raiders haven't been able to do for years. He would have enough street cred with the fans to earn a little time to get his pieces in place, and enough 'Commitment to Excellence' cred with Al Davis to keep the vampire in his cage while Madden effectively ran the team.

My point is, Madden has been careful to say he's retiring from broadcasting, not leaving the game. He has a home in Northern California, hates to travel, and he still loves football. He was the youngest coach in professional football (32-years-old) when he was hired by the Raiders in 1969, and he became the youngest coach to reach the 100-win mark by the time he retired at age 42. That means he'd be open to hiring young talent (NOT Lane Kiffin). All I'm saying is there's a chance. It may be a Jim Carey-in-Dumb and Dumber kind of chance, but still.

For now, I'll just celebrate the end of a broadcasting era. Anyone under the age of 40 pretty much grew up with Madden's voice dominating the Sundays of their childhoods and with so many cookie cutter ex-athlete, ex-coach, ex-whatever commentators failing to do anything original or stand out in any way, I'll miss Madden. Make fun of him if you want to (Frank Caliendo made a career out of it), but you have to respect a guy who has been successful at everything he's done.

Athletics? Drafted in the 1958 NFL Draft and was an outstanding two-sport athlete at Cal Poly (played catcher for the baseball). Coaching? Won a Super Bowl and got out on his own terms (even more impressive considering he coached for the cryptkeeper). Broadcasting? Probably what he's best known for. Video games? He built a multi-million dollar empire. Entertainment? Madden hosted a Saturday Night Live episode in 1982 and was in a U2 video (Stuck In a Moment You Can't Get Out Of). He's even done marriage better than most of us ever will (he'll celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary with his wife Virginia in December). The point is, the man is a modern day Midas and I think he'd take the right job with the Raiders.

I just hope Al Davis leaves the (refrigerator) light on for him.

Introducing... The Thursday Night Smashers

2009-04-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

After cranking out a combined 5,000 words on two NCAA tournament games, taking two weeks off and missing out on the Final Four, the Masters, and the first week of the baseball season because I went to San Diego and New York in the span of 10 days... the Replay is back. And since I missed out on UNC's beatdown of Michigan State (flying back from San Diego and getting score updates from the pilot of a Charlotte-based US Airways), and Angel Cabrera's chain-smoking, pit-staining Masters win (flying back from JFK and trying to get the overweight woman next to me to obey the laws of personal space), I decided to take the easy way out.

Introducing... The Thursday Night Smashers

According to Wikipedia (which makes the following pretty much fiction), more than 40 million people play some form of fantasy sports in the U.S. every year. But only a fraction of those nerds can say they play with the same core group of people every year. That's why the Thursday Night Smashers stand apart. The fantasy baseball league that I'm in this summer has the same name as the fantasy football league I was in last year, and it's been that way for at least five years now (my memory's a little spotty). This kind of continuity makes for a ton of running jokes, offensive message board posts, drafting patterns, player crushes and general tomfoolery and hijinks. Since these guys are bound to pop up in future columns, podcasts and video feeds, I thought I'd introduce them to the world.

Boom Roasted- 'Millar'

Easily the shortest guy in the league, Millar seems to lock up saves and steals every year. In addition to winning the regular season last year and the entire league the year before that, Millar has also always won the award for Most Orioles on One Team. He has four this year... none of them are named Nick Markakis. Millar majored in interior decorating at Pfeiffer University.

Candy Maldonado- 'Bobo'

Probably the tannest guy in the league depending on whether he's managed to McConaughey (i.e. go shirtless, brah) around town recently, Bobo relies on his knowledge of the NL and AL West to put together a competitive team every year. His rabid love of the San Francisco Giants (he named his team after a guy who finished with 146 career home runs) led him to jump on the Tim Lincecum train last year and he apparently enjoyed the Cy Young ride so much he came up with the All-Conference team name: Lincecumming. Bobo majored in sarcasm and hair product at Virginia Tech and if it wasn't for me, he'd be the one getting all of the gray hair jokes.

Joe Buck Yourself- 'Nicky'

When he's not goosing, groping or yoking both friends and perfect strangers, Nicky is the most plugged-in member of Thursday Night Smashers. He works for a major league baseball team and is a big believer in power at the plate and youth on the mound (he locked up Nats phenom Jordan Zimmerman and Rays stud David Price). Nicky is one of the harshest message board critics and God help you if you mis-spell something or your joke is just not that funny. He is the president of the Brett Gardner fan club and majored in women at the College of Charleston.

Mike Honcho- 'Rafey'

When he's not tending to his duties as editor of 'Pompous Ass Weekly,' Rafey relies on his knowledge of the AL West to put together a pretty solid squadron most years. Rafey doesn't pass up too many opportunities to remind you how smart he is, and if you're looking for a political message board post, he's your guy. Mike Honcho has a ton of power, but the big blow came in grabbing Tim Lincecum in the second round, breaking Bobo's heart. The team name is based on a John C. Reilly character from Talladega Nights and is probably the most creative thing he has ever come up with. Rafey majored in international travel and douchebaggery at Emory University and Georgetown University.

Robert Gibbs- 'Billy'

Billy is Bobo's older brother and together they share the same affinity for west coast baseball and Republican politics. This elephant love makes his team name selection all the more puzzling, until you google 'Robert Gibbs' (Barack Obama's press secretary) and see that the man looks like a bag of fleshy Play-Doh with glasses. Billy is usually pretty competitive because he's really only close to his brother and his friend Alec, so he spends the majority of his time working on his team instead of getting caught up in a 40-post smack-talking session. Billy majored in bow ties and chardonnay at the University of Virginia and the University of Georgia.

Slugging Turds- 'Massey'

That guy. That's who Massey is. Look at his team name, it's like an 8-year-old who just learned how to cuss. He's the 10th man, the guy who rounds out the league, only knows one or two people, inserts himself into message board conversations that don't concern him, and to make things worse, he always makes the playoffs. I have no idea where Massey went to college, but I'm sure he majored in social awkwardness and being abrasive.

Stimulators- 'Timmay'

Also known as 'Timmy C', this man is part of an underlying comical situation during football season due to the fact that he used to date/hook up with another guy's wife. Maybe I'm the only one who's even given this a second thought, but it's like having the ultimate message board trump card. If that guy ever got too lippy, Timmay could just drop some intimate birthmark knowledge and you'd have to ring the bell. But that's not how Timmay rolls. He's too laid-back for any of that stuff, but he's still good for a few message board bombs during the season. Timmay majored in dock shoes and Croakleys at the University of Virginia and the University of Georgia.

Stud Squad- 'Hondo'

Even though he's managed to come up with two unoriginal and not-funny team names so far (and we're only two weeks into the season), Hondo's team is a motorboatin' son of a bitch's delight. Built for comfort and built for speed. He has power and speed in his line-up and solid pitching so far that should only get better when he gets John Lackey and John Smoltz back by the end of June. Hondo looks and sounds like Seth Cohen from the O.C., and uses the 'I have no game' line as his main source of game with women. He majored in sarcasm and parting your hair on the side at the University of Virginia.

Sweat Pants Boner- 'Downs'

Kenny Powers without the mullet and the Southern accent. That's Downs. Confident, sarcastic, belittling, and socially fearless. Downs is the leader in the clubhouse for Message Board Comment of the Year with this gem after people started making fun of the fact that he picked up Billy Wagner when Wagner is out all season:
"That was fucking stupid what do you want me to say. I just got back from Vegas and am completely out of it and I need to pick up a pitcher and I forgot he was out for the year, I fucked up get over it. I'm sorry that I party."
Yeah, he's usually good for multiple mis-spellings and comical grammar mistakes. 'You're' and 'your' are interchangeable. Downs' team is off to a slow start which has led him to put everyone on the trading block two weeks into the season. He majored in smashing girls (hence the league name) and drinking himself stupid at Indiana University.

Yes We Can- 'Rando'

Yeah, that's me. One of the most unoriginal team names in the league, but by now you should have picked up on the fact that the majority of people in the league are card-carrying members of the Republican Party (the passwords to join the league have been bushcheney2004, mccain08, and this year, palin2012), so I had to rub in a rare Democratic presidential win. I'm the butt of a ton of jokes (about 20% of them based on fact) that usually center on my prematurely graying hair. My line-up is filthy, my pitching is suspect, and I'll finish just outside the money like I always do. I majored in abstinence and liver abuse at Northwestern University.

Coming this week: John Madden's retirement, Baseball at the 10 Game Mark

Peanut Gallery- Midwest Regional Final

2009-03-29T17:21:00.000-07:00

It's going to be darn near impossible to top last night's East Regional Final between Villanova and Pittsburgh, but I think I have a whole lot more riding on today's games from a personal level. Call me a wimp, call me a loser, but I took the easy way out. Both #1 seeds. I have Louisville facing North Carolina in the title game, and I also went with a two-team moneyline parlay of UNC and Louisville so that'd be nice after dropping my Villanova +2/Nova-Pitt Under 141 yesterday. Great coaching matchup in this one. Tom Izzo at Michigan State going up against Al Pacino (Rick Pitino) from Louisville. Izzo's about as tall as a fire hydrant while Pitino looks like a bookie. Good times.

Come on chalk!

Pre-Game- Yes! Gus Johnson's calling this one. I love me some Gus. Can you imagine having Gus Johnson do your morning announcements back when you were in grade school? "LATIN CLUB! 2:30! You're meeting IN.. THE.. COMPUTER.. LAB! Lunch menu... CHICKEN NUGGETS!!!!"

Pre-Game- Len Elmore treats us to this gem. Louisville relies on a Triple-A defense: athleticism, anticipatory, and aggressive. Somehow that makes sense. I enjoy Mr. Elmore. He looks a little bit like a more tired version of Heathcliff Huxtable's father.

Pre-Game- Michigan State's Raymar Morgan rocking the facemask. Apparently one of his teammates broke his nose in the semifinal. How awkward was that locker room after the game? "Uh... sorry for breaking your nose, man?"

Pre-Game- We get a treat from CBS and a look at Tom Izzo's pre-game speech from Tom Izzo. He'd be a cool guy to play for. And he obviously doesn't mind suiting up slow, soft, goofy white players, so you know, I've got a shot.

Pre-Game- Magic Johnson in the house. Did you know he went to Michigan State? No one's mentioned that during a college basketball tournament game, ever. Vendors... keep a close eye on your fried food products. Magic looks like he's testing the seam strength of that hooded sweatshirt. Aren't hoodies supposed to be baggy?

Pre-Game- Rick Pitino's been at Louisville for 8 years? When the hell did that happen? Little things like that make me feel old.

Pre-Game- Definitely looks like a 65/35 fan split in favor of Louisville.

19:20- Michigan State wins the tip, then turns it over. Louisville comes right back with a traveling call. Great start.

17:56- Goran Suton (or as ESPN's Josh Eliot calls him, "Goran Sutton" like button) breaks up a torrid scoreless start with a baseline up and under lay-up. Louisville settling for jump shots, Michigan State controlling the defensive glass. Not a good sign for Louisville fans.

16:38- Rick Pitino looks like he's one of the hardest spanking coaches in the league. He really gets his shoulder into it and honestly, if I'm a recruit, that factors into my decision a little bit. He spanks so hard his hair moves. No small feat.

15:52- It's a 2-2 game. More than 4 minutes in. Michigan State's definitely doing something right.

Commercial- Bud Light ad where the guy gets tossed out the window for suggesting his company can cut costs by removing Bud Light from their meetings. First, what office ever serves beer during a meeting? What is this, Mad Men? And second, the actress at the end of the table, definitely Drew Carey's serious girlfriend from The Drew Carey Show. Nice career path she's working on. (says the guy writing a blog)

Commercial- Chevy Traverse ad where the little red-headed girl calls Howie Long's crotch a "big girl car." Awesome.

Commercial- A third Fast and the Furious? Really? You're telling me both Paul Walker and Vin Diesel were available? Weird.

15:29- Apparently Magic Johnson played against Larry in a tournament game in 1979. I'm surprised I never heard anything about this.

14:45- Rick Pitino has taken 3 different teams to the Final Four. Only coach to have ever done that. Viewers in the Boston area just threw things at their TVs. It's amazing his flame-out with the Celtics never gets brought up anymore. It's seriously like it never happened.

14:08- Gus Johnson: "Terrence Williams can take over a game at any moment." Really? Because we're 6 minutes in and the man has the same amount of points that I do.

13:49- Airball 3-pointer from Williams. Great.

13:48- "Don't be swayed by that airball from Williams," says Len Elmore. Actually Lenny, I think I will be swayed, actually. At least until he scores a point.

12:32- Edgar Sosa, Earl Clark, Terrence Williams, I feel like these guys have been at Louisville for 8 years.

12:18- Goran Suton knocks down a mid-range jumper from the foul line. I agree with Len Elmore, that's going to be there all day. If MSU keeps running their offense through them, Louisville will have some serious problems.

Commercial- Annoying red-head in Lisa Loeb glasses and a Kermit-green scarf and jean jacket tries to find a laptop for less than $1,000. In a related story, she's single. Weird.

12:18- Elmore calls yesterday's Villanova game "one of the most classic games we've seen in a long time." I didn't know something could be more or less classic. But I'm always trying to learn.

10:29- Louisville's Jerry Smith picks up a phantom foul on Kalin Lucas' drive. Smith has a little Brian Mitchell going on. Huuuuuge protruding forehead with eyes close together. Looks a little bit like a bowling ball. Lucas hits the free throws to tie it at 10.

9:36- After Earl Clark jacks up a bad 3, Goran Suton comes down and hits a 3 at the other end to tie it at 13. I don't remember Suton being this good. Northwestern handled him pretty easily this season. Northwestern. 13-13 TIED.

8:44- Louisville is 23-0 when they make 8 or more 3-pointers. That's a quality stat from Len Elmore.

8:40- Suton hits that mid-range jumper from the foul line. Again. Just a glaring weakness in Rick Pitino's zone. If you have a big guy who is a good passer and can hit jump shots (Suton 9 points on 4 of 6 shooting so far), you're going to give Louisville fits. 16-15 L'VILLE.

7:39- Earl Clark finally goes strong to the rim for a lay-in and the foul. See how that works? You attack the zone with your superior athleticism and good things happen. 18-15 L'VILLE.

7:03- Terrence Williams tries the fake-jump-shot-turns-into-a-pass move but his teammate doesn't pick it up so it's just a pass out of bounds. Awesome. Four turnovers so far for the Cardinals. 18-15 L'VILLE.

6:03- Louisville keeps trying back cuts and it's open, but their guards aren't pulling the trigger on the pass. It's there, just PASS THE BALL! 18-17 L'VILLE.

4:52- Michigan State just out-hustles Louisville on the offensive glass which leads to an open jumper, which leads to MSU's latest lead of the day, which leads me to question why I went against the Big Ten in the first place. 19-18 MSU.

4:40- Great play out of the Louisville time out. Edgar Sosa finds Preston Knowles on the backdoor cut. I told you it was open. 20-19 L'VILLE.

4:13- Interesting sequence. As MSU brings the ball up the court, Louisville's Edgar Sosa tries to draw an offensive foul with an obvious flop. Then after MSU turns it over, Sosa tries to dribble through a crowd, loose ball, he gets bumped from behind and falls as he's trying to scoop it up, but because he flopped earlier, he doesn't get the call and the ball goes out of bounds back to MSU. The lesson: don't flop. 20-19 L'VILLE.

3:59- Louisville Star Watch: 0 points for Terrence Williams. Len Elmore is not deterred. "That's typical Williams. Trying to get other people involved and spread the wealth. He'll get his." Sure hope you're right, Len-Dawg. 20-19 L'VILLE.

3:11- Here's how you know it might not be your day. Goran Suton (6'10") hits a leaning 3-pointer with the shot clock running out. He has 14 points on 6-for-8 shooting. Not good times. 22-20 MSU.

2:37- Another great backdoor cut from Preston Knowles for an easy lay-up. It's worked twice in the last two minutes. Keep going to the well, Pitino. 24-22 L'VILLE.

2:25- Suton buries a 3 from the top of the key at the other end. 3-for-3 from 3-point land. From a center. This doesn't bode well. 25-24 MSU.

1:21- Edgar Sosa drives and threads a great pass to Terrence Jennings for a big dunk inside. Mmm.. that sounds good, I'll have that. 27-26 MSU.

51.4- After a missed Louisville free throw, the Cardinals are late/lazy getting back on defense and Korie Lucious hits a 3 in transition at the other end. Louisville has to go into halftime with the lead. This has to happen or MSU will start feeling crazy confident. 30-27 MSU.

32.8- Horrible shot from Preston Knowles with the shot clock winding down. It's a little early, but Louisville's already pressing. 30-27 MSU.

00.0- Michigan State doesn't get a good look before the end of the half, but if you'd told Tom Izzo he'd have a 3-point lead at the break, he'd have kissed you on the mouth. With tongue.

HALFTIME- A CBS Masters commercial features Verne Lundquist's call on Tiger's ridiculous chip-in from 2005. I could watch that 20 times a day. Can you imagine Gus Johnson on that call? His head would have exploded. I think there's a reason he's never been asked to do golf.

HALFTIME- Interview with Blake Griffin about the upcoming UNC-Oklahoma game. I don't need to listen to his voice to know Mr. Griffin might be getting a little academic help in Norman, OK. Not only are his eyes really far apart, but they're also pretty dead looking. Audrina Patridge-dead.

HALFTIME- Interview with Jim Calhoun and A.J. Price where Calhoun shows off his All-Conference Boston Accent. Outstanding. Even if he does look like he's been dodging the Grim Reaper's calls for the last 10 years.

HALFTIME- Greg Anthony, "when you lost Jeff Adrien did you honestly think you could make it this far?" I hate this question. What is Calhoun supposed to say, "no?" In front of his senior point guard? "Honestly Greg, I didn't even think I'd live this long. So this is all gravy."

HALFTIME- Goran Suton has 17 points to lead all scorers. Terrence Williams has 0. Really glad I bet on Louisville.

19:10- Gus Johnson tells us Raymar Morgan has taken his mask off and is just going to risk playing with a broken nose. If you're Pitino, how do you not try to take advantage of this? 30-28 MSU.

18:26- Finally! Terrence Williams gets himself on the scorer's sheet with a big alley-oop throwdown. I thought about calling dunks "Triple-X throwdowns" during basketball highlights, but didn't think the senior citizen audience in Southwest Florida would get it. 30-30 TIED.

17:27- Brutal stretch where Louisville had a real chance to take control of this game. After a MSU miss, Samardo Samuels missed a 2-foot bunny at the other end. Cardinals are lazy getting back on defense and MSU gets a lay-up out of it. Mark it down, that's going to be huge. (that's what she said.) 32-30 MSU.

16:34- Tom Izzo is not a tall man. I think he's 5'2" and that's not an exaggeration. He was one of the first college coaches to put little seats on the court during time-outs to get his guys to sit so he could look them in the eye. Now everyone does it.

15:33- Len Elmore brings up a good point: "There's a concerted effort here from Louisville, trying to get high percentage shots and attack the rim." Earl Clark drives and hits a runner in the lane. 34-32 L'VILLE.

14:42- Big 5-point swing. Samuels comes up with a big block to start the break, but Andre McGee leads Jerry Smith too much and ends up giving it right back to MSU. A lay-up there would have meant a 4-point Louisville lead and probably a timeout from Michigan State. Instead, it's a foul on Louisville at the other end. Then Kalin Lucas hits a 3 for MSU. Dammit. 35-34 MSU.

13:29- Earl Clark might be the only player on Louisville's roster that gets it. You attack the MSU zone because you're athletic enough to do so. It's easy for MSU to win 20 games in the Big Ten with that zone because they play teams like Indiana and Iowa. But Louisville should be slashing through this thing like O.J. on an LSD flashback. 37-36 MSU.

12:49- After an MSU lay-up, Edgar Sosa gets careless and throws a pass right to Michigan State. Great pass up court to Durrell Summers and one big dunk later, Spartans on a 9-2 run. Pitino needs a timeout. 41-36 MSU.

11:51- Free-throw shooting is starting to kill Louisville. Earl Clark just missed the front-end of a 1-and-1, then MSU gets a jumper off of an offensive rebound at the other end. I thought Louisville was supposed to be the scrappier team. Spartans didn't get that memo. 43-37 MSU.

10:47- Big 3-pointer from Durrell Summers leads to this gem from Gus: "Michigan State's poppin' their collars now and Louisville's IN TROUBLE! The #1 seed staggering in the MIDDLE OF THE RING!" Gus Johnson kills your hopes better than anyone on TV today. 46-37 MSU.

10:47- Great graphic from CBS coming out of the break. Terrence Williams is a full 15 points under his tournament average (he only has 2 freaking points!) and Samuels is 14 points below his average, as he has none points. Outstanding. 46-37 MSU.

10:44- Shot of Tom Izzo psyching his team up on the sideline. He's not as big as the other children, I mean coaches, but he'd be fun to play for. 46-37 MSU.

10:23- Finally! Gerry Smith knocks down a big 3 after a Louisville hustle play for an offensive rebound. 46-40 MSU.

9:54- Kalin Lucas banks home a 3-pointer (read that again and then kick yourself in the balls, that's how I feel right now) just as the crowd was starting to will the Cardinals back into this thing. This game is starting to look unwinnable for Louisville. 49-40 MSU.

9:24- Goran Suton moved from Bosnia-Herzegovina to East Lansing when he was in high school. How long before he realized he'd made a big mistake? "Um... I know there's a war going on, but this place is, how you say, 'dump.' Can we go back?" 50-40 MSU.

9:11- Travis Walton gets called for a foul and Louisville's in the bonus with a little more than 9 minutes to play. The Cardinals can get back in this if they keep attacking the basket, drawing fouls, and hitting free throws. Terrence Williams hits 1-of-2. 50-41 MSU.

8:42- Textbook drive and dish from Kalin Lucas to Travis Walton for a jumper. Say what you want about the Big Ten, but those guys know how to play fundamental basketball. They don't beat themselves. 52-41 MSU.

8:31- Len Elmore breaking down the replay of Walton's jumper. "This really all about just penetrating and kicking." Isn't it always? 52-43 MSU.

8:09- "Louisville's just not hustling to the ball. Giving away second chance opportunities," says Len Elmore. Why would Louisville hustle when they're down 10? 53-43 MSU.

7:16- Michigan State just continuing to own the offensive glass. Off of a missed jumper, Draymond Green hustles to just get one hand on it and somehow tips it up and in. Sparty's up 12. Ballgame. 55-43 MSU.

Commercial- This Subway ad with Michael Strahan and Jay Glazer is just annoying on so many levels. Glazer's friendship with Strahan is way too bromantic. They're always photographed out at bars together, hitting on women and just being idiots. Here's the thing, there has to be some level of separation between athletes and reporters. Apparently, these two were doing this crap while Strahan was playing and if that's the case, it's wildly inappropriate on Glazer's part. You can't be crazy tight with a player if you're going to be taken seriously as a journalist. You want to be a jock sniff, buy a ticket and sit with the fans because that's what you are at that point. Sidenote: Google the story about how Strahan secretly put a GPS in his girlfriend's car because he thought she was cheating on him. Turns out she was. You've gotta be a soft football player for some guy to think he can hook up with your girlfriend and not care about the consequences.

6:55- Zero field goals from Louisville in the last 3:38. And counting. 55-43 MSU.

6:15- Another airball from Terrence Williams. Really? This guy was a possible Big East Player of the Year candidate and he's laying an egg this late in the season? Wow. I thought only Karl Malone did that. Of course that leads to another Durrell Summers 3 at the other end. Dagger. 58-43 MSU.

5:04- Earl Clark works hard for a turnaround jumper from the wing. Len Elmore thinks it's time for Louisville to recognize who the hot hand is right now and just keep feeding Clark. You think so, doctor? Time to feed the hot hand when you're down 13 with 5 minutes to play? 58-45 MSU.

4:26- After a free throw from Louisville, great pass from Suton to Chris Allen for the backdoor baseline dunk. Suton has cooled off scoring-wise in the second half, but he's still killing the Cardinals. 60-46 L'VILLE.

Commercial- Poor Bill Buckner. There's some new service called KGB that lets you text a question to 542542 and they'll text you back the answer. If you and your friends are arguing over a piece of trivia and you can't look it up, this texting service will settle it. In this commercial, this guy locks up because his wife says he couldn't remember who played first base for the Red Sox in 1986. It's obviously Buckner. The KGB answer guy shows up and gives the guy the answer and says, "Bill Buckner. Right through his legs." The fact that Buckner hasn't committed suicide at this point is remarkable.

3:54- Our first shot of Tom Izzo's wife, Lupe, wringing her hands in the stands. It's getting to be that time. 62-47 MSU.

3:48- Len Elmore says what we've all been thinking, "Louisville may not score 60." If you had MSU winning this game, I'll call you a liar. If you said Louisville wouldn't score 60, I'd have slapped you in your face. Five fingers. Rick James-style. 62-47 MSU.

3:04- After Goran Suton misses a 3-pointer (finally), Chris Allen chases down the rebound to give the Spartans a fresh shot clock. Louisville doesn't even seem to be trying anymore. This is the first time in the last 14 games that they've been hit in the mouth repeatedly and they just want this fight to be over. You can tell. It's embarrassing. 62-57 MSU.

2:56- MSU misses a driving lay-up, and even though Gus Johnson is being kind and giving the ensuing tip-in to Draymond Green, it was actually Louisville's Jerry Smith who tipped it in. Picking a great time to be a little too generous, there Jer. 64-47 MSU.

2:19- Earl Clark attacks the basket and hits a leaner. He's the only Cardinal that's still playing hard. Why hasn't every possession gone through him? This doesn't make any sense, I thought Pitino was supposed to be a good coach. He's been to the Final Four 5 times. Only won 1 title. Hmm. 64-49 MSU.

Commercial- I understand this Sheraton commercial where fans of rival sports teams are nice to each other because they're staying at a Sheraton hotel. I get the premise. But two things jump out at me. The Syracuse fan that wipes the bleu cheese off of the lip Georgetown fan's lip. When is this ever ok? I don't care who you root for, don't touch me. I'll bite our finger off. And the last rivalry pair is Memphis and Louisville? Really? I didn't know that was even that big of a rivalry. How about Auburn and Alabama? Army and Navy? Something like that.

1:54- Spartans just trying to run down the clock at this point. Goran Suton barely beats the shot clock buzzer with a jumper, and Kalin Lucas (the freaking point guard!) hustles for the rebound. Louisville's like a waitress at the end of her shift. They don't care what happens as long as this thing is over soon. 64-49 MSU.

1:01- Lifeless sequence for Louisville. Earl Clark airballs a 3, Terrence Williams misses a lay-up after the airball lands in his lap. Rebound Spartans. Another great stat from Len Elmore. When Michigan State holds their opponents to fewer than 70 points, the Spartans are 27-0. Wow. Didn't think that was going to be a problem tonight, but that's still impressive. 64-49 MSU.

12.4- I don't quite understand what Gus Johnson is trying to say here. "Obviously Louisville wanted to go farther. Win a national title, get to the Final Four. But just because the season ends today, doesn't diminish what they've accomplished." Ummm... actually, it kinda does. Earl Clark hits a meaningless 3-pointer as I try to wrap my head around what Gus meant by that. 64-52 MSU.

00.0- Ballgame. 64-52 is your final as Michigan State did a great job of shutting up every Big Ten hater that we had to listen to all season. It's funny, no one talks about Michigan taking down Clemson and giving Oklahoma a run. No one talks about Wisconsin upsetting Florida State. You combine those two wins with Wake Forest's choke job against Cleveland State and Maryland and Duke's absolute horse-poundings in the second and third rounds, respectively, and maybe we should be talking about how overrated the ACC is.

Just about as thorough and complete of a game as I've seen thus far in the tournament. Sure it wasn't a great finish, so therefore it wasn't that interesting, but that's because of how thoroughly MSU outplayed Louisville. Tom Izzo's game plan was perfect. Force Louisville to try to shoot over the zone, trust your point guards to break the Louisville press, and work the clock. That was key. Even after Louisville made a basket, MSU would let the ball roll around on the floor and allow their guards to get set to attack the press. Too many teams tried to play up to Louisville's pace this season and the Cardinals just had a better bench and better guards for anyone to have any real success doing that. Michigan State dictated the tempo, Louisville (with the exception of Earl Clark) panicked and forced bad shots, and the Spartans are moving on as a result.

Final Four Prediction- My buddy Evan wins $3,000 in his pool if UNC beats UConn in the title game. I think he's going to be a rich man.